Hello everyone,
I started this program a couple of days ago, and I love it. I have been depressed for years and years, and seen several professionals who prescribed several anti depressants, along with tranquillizers now and then, but nothing worked.
It wasn't very helpful that I was drinking severely and developed an alcohol addiction. After a year AA in 2007, I went to a 12 step clinic in Scotland for 3 months, after that i managed to stay sober for a good 2 years. In the clinic the docters stopped my AD (they don't believe in any medication when it comes to mood) so when I came back home, The depression got worse and worse untill after a year and a half of trying to work the steps I decide to take things into my own hands again and went to a psychiatrist. He prescribed Cymbalta (AD) and tranquillizers. I am on them for two years now, and i am convinced that only the tranquillizers work, the AD does NOTHING for me. I have never been less depressed in the last two years, but the tranquillizers ease the pain, panic, fear and deathwishes.
I had some arguments with my shrink, and in january I decided he really couldn't help me, I had given it two years and still no progress.
Last year was a rocky ride: my father died of cancer in 6 months time, my boyfriend was diagnosed with coloncancer two days after my fathers funeral and was admitted to the hospital, with my brother i had to clear out my dads house where he'd lived for 40 years, and finally one day I relapsed (I drank). My boyfriend, who was also AA, ended the relationship right then(he had been operated and released after 3 weeks and was well again) and I never saw him again.
Thats when the depression got REALLY bad, and the past 7 months have been nothing less than HELL. Since I am always very careful with meds, I took as little tranquilizers as possible. I kept fighting against the alcohol cravings, but lost the fight many times. I know I should not drink, and most days I don't, sometimes I get several weeks of sobriety, but sooner or later the devil wins... At least am not a daily drinker anymore, and physically a lot healthier than some years ago.
Two months ago, I contacted a depression center connected to a university hospital in my city. I've had several meetings with them for diagnose, and next week they will tell me what therapy they will offer me. It will probably be daily treatment, 4 days a week, with loads of CBT, mindfulness, group-, creative- and individual therapy. I have good hopes it will work, it is a 4 months program, and they offer good after care.
The only thing is, that it could be a while before I can start, because of the waiting list. I was desperate when I found out, and aske d the doc HOW am i gonna get through the days, weeks, months!!! But he did not answer that. And so I searched the internet (again...!) and came across this site. It gives me the opportunity to get started, and at least DO something about it.
Because I have been crying almost all day for the past months (and all the feelings that come with it) I decided there was no good reason anymore to be so carefull with the tranquillizers. I am allowed 2 x 20 mg a day, but I hardly ever took as many, mostly one a time, with little result. Since monday I am on 2 x 20 mg a day, and what a relief it is! I don't cry, or panic, or cringe with pain and agony, and get some things done in a day. I don't have a job, so all is up to me.
I have 2 queations so far:
My mood is significantly better since I take the meds, but I feel that the Moodtracker therefor shows a "false" outcome. Can anyone comment on that?
And, the moodtrackers says, I can use my Depression Monitoring form to describe "my observations". Do they mean the activity tracker? Or have I missed something?
Anyone who read this far: thank you very much. I hope things get better for all of us in time. All the best, and I hope to "see" you on this site somewhere!
Love,
Diamond
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