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Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

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Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for answering the question. I have just finished the questionlist with that in mind.

Another question that came up: am I sharing too much? I feel so miserable that sometimes it helps to get it of my chest, but aftewards when I read it back I feel deeply ashamed and I have considered to ask if my messages can be removed. I sound so pathetic! I apologize for the whining, I'll try to moderate.

Diamond.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Diamond,

Yes, answer the question as you would take usual to mean to you. If your usual is depressed then answer as such.

Have any other questions came up?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hi Vincenza,

My usual way of expressing myself is to cry. I can't really help it. Wether its pain, grief or rage, I cry. That is, when I express myself at all. Around other people I don't express anger or disappointment because I don't dare, and when its possible to talk about it it results in tears. Because I feel so powerless.

Yes, a deep breath can be good. And there is nothing like a good walk, but when I am alone (90% of the time) I cannot bring myself to go outside, because I lack the courage. It has happened that I stood by the door with my coat on and was overwhelmed with fear, and backed away from the door, flung my coat to the floor and .... cried. Feeling a failure that im not even capable of going outside. Also, I look like shit when I've been crying for hours. Most of the days I have to run some errands and I am able to do that, and sometimes I take the long way back from the shop to get some more oxygen. I try to get my mum or a friend to take me out for a walk at least 3 times a week. I feel like a dog!

Ive been taking tranquillizers as prescribed now ( I used to take a lot less because I feared addiction, which is silly as I already am addicted to them anyway) and that has been the most helpful thing in years the last week. But already I sense tolerance, and depression breaking through the lovely numbness again...

Could you, or any member out there please answer my question about the 1st worksheet in session 2: have things bothered me that usually don't bother me? What is meant by "usual"? Usually I am depressed, should I answer the question like that? I ask this because I have the feeling that its not meant that way, but to see if there is some progress. Apart from the relief I get from the Oxazepam, there is no change in the depression.

Thanks and a good day to all!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi Diamond,

It sounds like you have been dealing with very strong emotions for a long time. How do you express yourself when you feel that anger or tension? Is there anything that helps you feel a sense of relief? Even simple exercises like walking or deep breathing can be helpful in getting you through a difficult moment.

I'm glad you are starting to work through the program. Try to set aside even 30 minutes a day to do so. Many members have found the program and connecting to other members through the forum to be really effective in helping them change their perspective and start turning their negative thoughts around.

Keep up the work, little by little and you will start to see changes within you..

Vincenza, Health Educator

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hi m,

I was still thinking about your previous response when your 2nd came! Thank you for so carefully expressing what you mean.

It was so sad to read your history with this disease, especially since I recently saw a woman on tv who was also treated with Electro shock therapy, and depression stayed away for a couple of years but when the black clouds came back, she didn't respond to that or anything else anymore! I am so glad that you at least have found a way, at last.

The deep despair you mention is exactly how it feels isn't it. I am very very afraid that it will not 'go away', or that I will not be able to "get' it. I am hoping to get a different AD, one that will do the trick, in combination with other things/therapy. One of those things is to have as little stress in my life as possible, but it will take a long time before I get there, because most of the stress is within me. When I am not in deep despair, im raging with anger (within), or feel a lot of tension (contracting stomach and such) and worry worry worry, all accompanied by the famous negative thoughts of course.

In AA, the 12 steps are used as tools to keep us away from drink, but one can use them as a life guide even if one has no specific problem at all. The problem is, it never really worked for me. I wasn't able to use them when it came down to it. Of course, there were complicating factors at work (one of them being the depression), but it makes me wonder if I have enough will power to use any tools that are not internal. (In AA its suggested to rely on a higher power but since I am not religious that never worked for me. I chose the beauty of nature as HP, but who can go out to watch the beautiful skies or whatever when all you want is to die?)

I just logged in and a new worksheet opened. "Have you been bothered by thing that usually don't bother you?" was the first question. Immediately I was confused and angry and crying, because what is meant by "usually"? I have been depressed for so long I can only say that I am always bothered by things that other people are not bothered by. Or should I just answer that question with "no" because things have been the same for years? Do you know?

Its nice to talk like this m, thank you, and I hope today was a good day for you!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Hi Diamond... I've been thinking about disappearing depression. In answer to your previous question, I said it sometimes disappears. I don't think I really believe that. Expecting it to disappear is sort of magical thinking. It takes our power away too. Whenever I have celebrated the demise of my depression... it knocks me totally flat when it returns... and it always has ... come back. But now I have the tools to manage it better. I have been more productive and less struck down because I accept that it is a part of my makeup and will always be nearby. It doesn't scare me like it did though because I have the confidence now to deal with it... to manage it. Does that make any sense?

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Yes, Diamond... my depression has lessened and at times disappeared. Most importantly it has lost it's hold ... it's complete control of my life. I never believed it possible either! I HAVE been able to change my thinking... change the way my brain works... challenge my negative core beliefs. Better yet, I am in the process of creating new positive core beliefs.. really good, juicy ones.

This all takes a lot of work. It doesn't happen overnight. I've been utilizing the various Evolution Health sites for about 3 years now. (No, don't panic, most people don't need that long to "get it"). Three years may seem like forever, but not so long compared to having spent most of the previous 50 years in deep despair. I had nothing to lose when I came here and nothing else to try after many hospitalizations and medication changes, changes in pdocs and psychotherapists, alternative therapies, and older methods (including electric shock therapy).

If you read through the forums, especially older posts you will see that I'm not the only person who has been helped here... plus, the help here is available to anyone who wants to access the information and support. Not everyone is helped by the CBT program itself, but are still helped by just hanging out in such good company

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Thank you Ashley and m, its nice to receive some messages!

m, you say that this site has been haven for you, do you mean that your depression has lessened or disappeared? Some times its so hard to believe that it will really go away. Or that I will be able to change my thinking patterns and core beliefs. Like most of us I guess, I had them for so long!

Well, we'll see. A day at a time...

Another 3 days of tracking activities and moods and then I get to do the 2nd chapter!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Hello Diamond... welcome, welcome. I'm so glad you found us. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself already. That's where it all begins and we will certainly do as much as we can to support you while you are waiting to get into your local depression center program. This is a great site with supportive members and knowledgeable Health Educators. You can utilize as much as you need or want. I like this space... it has been a haven for me... and much has been accomplished here. I hope it will be the same for you.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Diamond,

Welcome to the site. I am glad you found us. Good for you for getting started; that kind of attitude will get you far in the program. To answer your questions: The diary also tracks what medications you are on so it is not nessesarily a "false" record it is just a record of your mood when you are on tranquilizers and using the program. The depression forms all can be found when you toggle between the "trophy" view and the forms view. You can see little buttons on the right hand side above the trophies that will allow you to toggle between the two. The program will tell you which forms you should be focusing on.

If you have any other questions please let us know.

I look forward to reading more from you!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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Hello, Diamond here with story and questions