Today I met with a psychiatrist as recommended by my counselor of the last three years. He asked a lot of questions and wrote more than five pages of notes. There are two areas that he spoke about that nailed me to a T.
The first, he identified me as a person that is meticulous and analytical. A person that plans things out to the minutia in some cases. This struck a strong chord in me and I can think back to two situations that would prove this analysis to be correct. One, it took me a good year to start building a deck on my house that only took a week to complete. Why, because I planned the deck out to the number of screws I would need and the shear strength of the bolts I would be using. I'm about to do a full renovation in my basement. Seems normal enough, but it's taken me three years to get this point. I spent several weeks looking for architectural software to design it and a year to actually do the design. Again, I know the exact number of 2x4's that I need.
The second came at the end of my appointment when he ask if I knew what was wrong with me. I responded that depression and anxiety were easy answers and that I didn't necessarily know the "root cause". Clearly he did.
I'm a high-functioning individual that works very well when I'm under stress and am in control. However, when my feelings of control decrease, I begin to feel very anxious and become hyper-aware, which drive my perceptions. When that decrease in control falls below a certain threshold, that hits me like a brick wall and very quickly triggers my depression.
So, now that I know the root cause of my anxiety and depression, I will begin to work on the control aspect of myself. I may not be able to decrease the stress in my job, but I'm sure I can learn how not respond better when I don't necessarily have control.
I knew I was high-functioning and I work well under stress, but to bring in the control facet really turned a light on.
