I've been thinking a lot about depression and how I cycle into and out of it. Re-doing session one is the catalyst I suppose... although I haven't really gotten very far yet.
I either fall into darkness abruptly with no warning... like stepping off the edge of a cliff I didn't know was there...Something triggered this, whether I recognize what it is at the time or not. As frightening as it is, this entry is actually the easier to get out of. I'm on alert immediately and know where to go and what to do to get out of the abyss. Usually takes less than a week these days.
The other entry is a slow, insidious slide... a little bit at a time... lulls me into thinking it is minor and will pass soon... so I try to just go with it. Don't panic. Be cool. Slipping, sliding, slowly gliding toward the darkness. I'm so tired. I'm so sad. After several weeks I begin to forget when I last felt ok. I forget what to do to get myself back out. And, if I remember... I no longer have the energy to do anything about it. The slightest conflict leaves me wanting to withdraw... forever. I'll just wait. Eventually it will go away on its own.
It doesn't.
So my mind wants to freak out and get all helpless, but here I am... just in time to get back on track, tune up my awareness and actively participate in getting myself going again. That sounds good doesn't it? It is good the sessions are numbered so I have help finding the right direction to crawl toward.
So, that is what I've been thinking about along with some really good and positive stuff I wrote about in my blog. I thought that would cause the heaviness to lift immediately.
It didn't.