BACKGROUND:
I was feeling better than I have in awhile. I had rated my depression at 20 when I awoke this morning. I laid in bed thinking about my life and my husband. He was upset over the weekend. One of his clients had blamed him for an altercation with one of their clients. The person he argued with eventually got fired. My husband went back to his client that blamed him and basically said "see, it wasn't my fault. The guy was causing problems with everyone and got fired". Anyway, to shorten the story his client continued to blame him. She made him feel like he was an trouble-making idiot and he felt disrespected. So instead of coming home for the weekend, he decided to go hang out in a bar. Eventually (about 20 hours later) he did come home for a few hours but mentioned to me that he didn't want to come home because I don't respect him and the kids don't respect him (because I don't train them to respect him) and he didn't want to be around us. Two days later, while contemplating my own inner thoughts I come up with the idea that I am experiencing distortions. My family makes me feel like a failure, when in reality I am more successful than most of my friends. I accomplish so much despite things working against me. I succeed way more than I fail. I concluded that my feelings as a failure were not reality but distortions of my own mind. And that if I accepted the reality of my successes myself I would be less afraid of my family and their criticisms of my failures. I then saw that this same principle applied to my husband's weekend experience. Reality was that he is an amazing guy. He is a respectable person...President of his company, father of 5, owns a home etc etc...and he may feel disrespected and unloved by others because he may not respect and love himself. So, all happy and excited, I decide to tell him my revelation thinking that it will help him feel better.
THOUGHT RECORD:
Today, Oct 25, 10:30 am
-talk to husband on phone to tell him about my revelation/introspection thinking it might apply to him also and it could help him
-I rated my depression before the call at 20
-I tell him that I was contemplating
-he is tired of me contemplating as I never get anywhere
-I tell him my contemplation brought me to an idea I thought might apply to him also
-I explain my thoughts
-he gets angry
-he calls me a loser
-says that I was depressed before he met me and that he's been telling me it's all in my own head and I just never F*ing listen
-he doesn't need any of my help, there is nothing wrong with how he thinks
-he is just reacting to the crap that I dish out
-if he goes to the bar and gets drunk it is because I make him feel like sh*t and that is the only way he can deal with the pathetic life he has because he is trapped with me
-I am bawling like crazy
-I rate my depression at 70
-Futitlity 100, Disappointment 90, Frustration 50, Sadness 60
Distortions:
Catastrophizing and Emotional Reasoning
I want to be 20 again. But I am afraid now. I am afraid I will spiral down. In fact, I already grabbed a chocolate bar, knowing that sugar affects me negatively.
I don't know what to do with this Thought.....
