It's been a week since I discovered this website and so far, so good. I was really frustrated with how I was feeling (tired, sad, hopelessness, frustrated, worthless, etc) and I didn't see medication as the way out for me (none had helped to date). I have been doing the mood and activity tracker and the biggest "AH HA" has been that I don't have to be a victim to how I am feeling, but I can impact my moods with my actions. I have been letting my depressed mood effect my actions and leading down a never ending downward spiral. But if my actions can effect me negatively, they can also do the opposite.
So in the last week, I have been exercising every day, and I am feeling a lot better. I am not sure where the energy is coming from because that thought of exercising every day seemed impossible a couple of weeks ago. I have noticed my mood always improves during and after exercising, (even if I don't want to). My best hours doing the day are when I am interacting with others and not being by myself, which I have become so used to, that it's become normal. One of the biggest wins was having my 12 year old daughter ask if she could spend New Years with me and invite over her best friend. It was great not to be alone and watch them have fun.
I realize that I need accountability to keep the momentum towards my goals, again mood and activity tracker have helped. One of my goals has been my physical side and I wanted to share some things that have helped me, and may help you if you have been stuck in this area like me. A couple years ago a bought a "Body Bugg" from my gym, it's a device I wear on my arm and it keeps track of my physical activity and tracks the calories I have burned during the day. They also include a website to log my food. So I can see on a daily basis what I have burned versus what I am putting into my body. It becomes a challenge for me to burn more than put in, also keeps me on track with my weight goal and how to get there (every 3500 calorie deficit equals one pound weight loss). The last time I used it was two years ago, and it helped me lose 40 pounds and get in really good shape in about six months. Looking back, it was the last time that I really felt engaged in my life. Once I stopped I gained it all back, so I am doing it again. I also found a free personal training website to help me with resistance training. I noticed that even though my muscles are sore. it feels good emotional to know that I have worked towards something.
I rejoined a bowling league today, it felt really good to share the camaraderie with my old friends and have some fun. I am finding myself reaching out for more business and hopefully that will also be positive. I have noticed that my daughter has been more engaged with me as I have made these positive changes. I wouldn't say that my depression is gone, nor do I expect it to ever be, but I do feel hopeful that I now have more control over it and not it over me. It is a dark and insidious monster that lurks around the corner of each and every day. It must be how an alcoholic feels, except my drink is withdrawal, being alone or just lying in bed. But now at least I feel that I have some Kriptonite to keep it at bay, and that is what I chose to do and think minute to minute.
Thank you all for the support I have already received and for your caring and efforts of this website. You have already helped me and I have just started. Bless you, for you have already in a short time made a difference in my life. Thanks.
