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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 22

Thank you, Diva and goofy,

I've thought about sending cookies to the section of my company that only I deal with - it's much larger than my area, and there is no other contact, so I think it would satisfy both my urge to bake/send and avoid conflicts.

I've been on magazines for over a year now - it is a very good segue to books. Still struggling with the book, but I'm planning to keep at it.

My call w/ HR is tomorrow afternoon - I have to find the right balance between help and shooting myself in the foot. I feel I have enough to keep my job by force, but I don't really want to continue that way. Cross your fingers for me. The worst part is the last two days have been rather good, so I get 'lulled' into thinking things are not so bad, I can deal with it. But next week, the bully on vacation is back, and everything continues.

I'll try my best.

Thanks for listening.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

mmgsc, I love when people bake cookies for me. However, it seems ill advised to make cookies and send them to people in your company if it may lead to potential problems. I think making cookies is great and a great hobby - I mean you can eat the rewards of your hobby! I wish you could send us all cookies!

How about baking cookies for one of those groups that you worked with in the past? I am sure the youth would greatly appreciate and especially enjoy the cookies.

I remember how I used to be too, I think we all do. We can't stay focused on that. We have to stay focused on where we are going and how we are going to get there (this is opinion). If I dwell on what I used to be this past 4 years, I would still be in the bed sleeping all day and all night for weeks on end. Focus on where you want to be.

As for the book, someone suggested to me that I get magazines, since I loved to read and just read an article. I did, sometimes I'd have to read it three or four times but I read it enough to get the jist of it. I read a book a week or so ago for the first time in almost 8 months. Yes, I loved to read so much, I keep up with when I read one!!!! In the meantime, getting a magazine with stories like the books you like to read, will help you with focus and concentration and if you have to reread it- it's okay.....You are reading! It was encouraging to me.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey mmgsc,

Baking, I love baking too. I love the smeel of baking.

It sounds like your situation at work really is toxic! Glad to see you are meeting with HR.

It sounds to me like you have a lot on your plate! Hang in there. You can do this and this can get better. And remember to be kind and patient with yourself. You deserve it.

Wish I had something better to tell you to help you. But I can say I am here to listen.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 22

Thank you Toleliz, Ashley and goofy.

Today was a bad day at work, and I had to leave for the first time ever due to the stress level. I was asked by my supervisor 'why' I thought he was taking care of my bully's tasks while she was out, and when I started to explain that her own emails referred everyone to him - not me - he blew up and blamed ME for not getting along w/ her. I am the meek, timid one and she is the aggressive, bullying person. If I drop the ball, I expect it to be my fault, but when she drops the ball, it is STILL my fault.

On the plus side, my HR person is supposed to meet w/ me Thursday (she is based in FL, I am in MI). She was unhappy I communicated through email initially, but now I have a record of what she had been told about.

Ashley, as far as hobbies go, I like to bake and usually bake cookies on the weekends. I send them to our people scattered about the country (but I'm sure I'll get in trouble for that if/when the boss finds out). I am trying to read a book, but it can be hard to concentrate. As far as I can see, I need to settle things at work before I will be able to disconnect enough to involve myself in a real hobby.

Before all this, I was very 'normal' and was a respected youth leader in my community, and made plans well in advance for the next expedition. Now I can't plan beyond a week or two.

I know I was told to not 'dump' my friend, and I did sent him a chatty note today, but got virtually no resonspe. I think I've already dwindled as a friend to him, so I don't think my actions matter anymore.

One day at a time, we'll see how tomorrow goes. At least I can get at work from home, so I won't fall that far behind...

Thanks for listening

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 14

We are here if you need to vent.

Try to stick it out. Sometimes things seem impossible right before they get better.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

mmgsc,

Do not apologize. We are always here to listen and you certainly are not whining.

You have a lot to handle right now and I am hearing that you are overwhelmed. Is that correct?

What have you been doing for yourself lately? Have you been taking any time to pursue hobbies or relaxation?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

mmgsc, please don't think you are the only one who has ever written something like your previous post. We've all been there and done that and if you read on another topic you'll see I did so as recent as yesterday. That is what this is all about.

Journals are great, glad to hear you are doing that. The fact that you don't think your counselor is someone who would be your friend is irrelevant if she is effective as a counselor. I don't think I would want my therapist to be my friend, but that doesn't mean I dislike hiim. We just are different. And I don't think he'd want to be my friend either. As you go through the sessions, you'll find this is called personalizing. I've been in therapy for over a year now and plan to be there as long as we (the therapist and I) agree it's needed and probably only if HE agrees it's needed. He is the professional in this relationship.

It is hard to accept the way we are today, especially when we can so vividly recall the way "we used to be" but as diva and I have pointed out, you can improve, make great strides in working on the issues with your depression. All of our issues are unique even though we all have the same or similar diagnosis.

I think you are also making assumptions about your friend. I agree with Ashley, don't terminate a freind or make any rash decisions based on what you think the other person feels. We don't know how another person feels and when we are depressed we tend to personalize, take things out of context and read things into behavior or comments that aren't there. Please work to maintain that relationship.

I can't say anymore than what I've said about the e-mails, write them in a word processing program but don't send them.

We 've had awesome discussions on here about the "control" or take charge issue. It's a big one for people with depression. We feel so out of control, that we can't handle things that there's too much on our plate. We have to break thse down into manageable goals, one step at a time. And not all at once.

We are always here to listen, share what works for us and give some alternative ideas, though we may not have the answers. Please don't think we don't care, we are all in the same boat. Hang in there! Work the sessions, slowly and use the extra stuff like relationships at the bottom if that is a problem area right now.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 22

i'm sorry, i don't mean to whine. i don't know how to take down my last post.

never mind.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 22

Hi everyone,

thanks for listening. i do keep a journal now - i started it in may when my therapist went on maternity leave. i know she cares, i've been seeing her for over two years now (NEVER thought i'd be in therapy this long), but i know it is a different level of caring. in the real world, i doubt she'd be someone who would want to be my friend.

i don't think i am suicidal right now, it's often been on the edges but never has been a real threat. i don't want to kill myself or even die, i just want to be done with all of this. it has taken over my life, which used to be rather nice and contented. but yes, Ashley, i am saying goodbye to my 'best friend' recently, the person who knew the most about what was going on. when we started talking he was having struggles of his own, and friends hold each other up. but his life has settled, and i feel like more of a bother now. we just don't talk as often anymore. for months and months there was daily contact, however brief. he does not need me as a friend anymore, but i feel i should say goodbye.

i do try to not send emails, i had a lot of trouble with that when i first became ill. it was almost an obsession "maybe they will get it if I say it this way..." i just asked my husband to read the one i wanted to send to my boss, because there may be valid points in it, but he won't. he's out of work and just got out of the hospital because of kidney stones and blood pressure. i have to keep my job since i have the insurance. he loses his job every couple years. i have never missed a day due to this, outside of the occasional half day to see me regular doctor. mt therapy is in the evening.

i'm tired and i want someone to take charge and tell me what to do. right now it is all on me. i may have to get a second job since unemployment won't be enough for the college bills, and he has never gotten another job promptly - always ony when the unemployment is about to run out.

right now there just does not seem to be any hope - i have a good job in a bad place, a husband who prefers to be ill and won't listen, kids who are on dad's side and won't listen (it just makes things worse, you know) and ALL the financial responsibility right now.

thanks for listening.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

First I have to say I am so glad we have such great members in the forums. Diva and Goofy you are a constant support here and I really appreciate your warmth and wonderful advice.

mmgsc,

Goofy has made a lot of very important points. I think writing your ideas in a word processor is a great idea.

Continue to work through the program. With time and effort it is possible to change your mind chatter.

I am not sure what you mean when you say you write goodbye letters. Are you writing them because you are saying you no longer be their friend? It is important to try not to isolate yourself right now. I know it is hard but you need as much social contact as you can get right now.

Stay strong we are here whenever you need us.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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