Hey Ashley,
Thanks for the posts with this thread and another one.
With this week, you caught me in a good week. I mainly had a good week because I had a lot of organized events I had to be at. Like I said before, I had a good time where I was at, but I am also the guy who you can count on for saying something really stupid, even if I know it's stupid before I say it, it ends up coming out anyway.
I went up to Algonquin Park (provincial park) on my day off yesterday to go for a mountain bike ride on this trail I've allways wanted to do, but never got the chance- golden oppurtunity that I wasn' t going to waste. Got up there- find out the rrail was closed. Should've called beforehad, but it was a nice drive.
I remember saying about mountain biking on here beofre. I used to race, did alright in some of the lower categories. I was allways one of the fastest guys out of the people I used to ride with. But, last year was a pretty bad year for me mentally. I allways felt like a lonely kid, so I joined this team where I used to live that's about 1.5-2 hours away from where I am now. To make a long storey short, I felt like I was being pulled in a bunch of different directions, with fitting in my workouts my coch gave me, work, going up to my parents' cottage because I didn't want them to feel like I was ignoring them- lus whatelse am I going to do than go up north to the cottage? With all the time I spent training, it was heard to fit in a social life. I was always told stuff like, "you're going to be alone for the rest of your life if all you do is bike around the whole time". My co-workers would say that's why he doesn't have a girlfriend after telling them that I did a 3.5 hour workout after work the night before. I allways thought that anybody with me will need to accept me for me and I would do the same for her and I'll be able to fit it all in- time with her, time on the bike/racing, work, etc. Last year was the breaking point that got me thinking the other way around- that something has to give.
When you said some (or many) our age are trying to find themselves I thought what the hell does that mean? Last year I guess was when I was trying to find myself. Still am to some degree, but I guess everyone is. I had no confidence, anxiety, just was in the worng state of mind for racing. I quit my last race in front of my team coaches and quit the team right after that. At the time it felt like a big punch in the face to them and it felt good.
I was going to get back into it after a long winter of not feeling motivated, but my fitness isn' t where it used to be and I dropped a lot of money into getting a new bike, so I need to repay the debt. I decided to put the racing on hold for this year to get my head in the right place and to get my debt resolved, which I am doing alright at (the debt part, anyway). Part of me wants to get back into racing next year and get another coach, but I'll put my foot down more if my new coach gives me too many hours that I can' t handle it. I know I went off on a tangent that's off topic and this may be different than your area of experitse, but all this has added to my anxiety. I still have some ( a lot of) scores to settle. I know know this is a topic that I shouldn' t go too deep with my next feamle encounter- lol- because she'll think I have "Baggage" and she'll run away.
My biggest problem is, I am too honest too early. If it's something that will hurt me or make me look bad, I'll blurt it out anyw
