Well, Summer is on its way (in my part of the globe at least). Does anyone else round here find it to be the worst, most depressive time of year? Like SAD but in reverse? The sun, the heat seem so relentless and aggressive. Step outside my door and I'm under attack! And everyone else seems so cheerful about it, make me feel worse for hating this time of year, for rejoicing in the cooler, wetter days. Then the pressure to go out somewhere, take the family out, go on holiday. Too much. The Summer brings with it, every year, such a profound sense of disconnection. I'm stumbling through a communal hallucination, it feels. Am I dreaming the people or are they dreaming me? They move, they smile and laugh, they talk to each other, they step boldly on the surface of the quicksand in which I'm drowning.
For those who remember my forays into this forum from a few months ago, things haven't been too great - my father died fairly suddenly in March. Straight after his death I was so busy, so much to sort out but now there's just a quiet gap in the core of my soul. I feel scorched and stripped, an empty mask, a marionette.
The Spring, I remember, was going to render me a psychedelic butterfly, shiny and new, strong and real, but like so many butterflies I was crushed by a careless boot or eaten in the larval stage.
