Hello Everyone,
I have been visiting this site and reading the forums on and off for the past year or so, but have not actively participated until now. Believe I posted once or twice before, but did not use the tools provided here as I probably should.
I feel like I have been depressed all of my life. I cannot remember many times from childhood that were actually "good times" and certainly remember many where I felt terrible. Low self esteem and a lack of motivation have haunted me throughout my life. Despite this, I had managed, up until about a year ago, to fashion a career that many would be quite excited to have. It started serendipitously, and just seemed to find opportunities from there to allow me to advance in spite of my shortcomings.
That all ended last fall. I quit my job without another one waiting because I did not like the company I was working for and had no respect for the man who ran it. I have always had a habit of sabotaging myself. Almost like a million little suicides without actually doing the deed. Now I am unemployed for over a year, almost completely out of money, gambling (and losing) with the hope of making money, drinking, using people in my life, etc. Lately a good day for me is one in which I only consider suicide for a fleeting moment instead of dwelling on it like usual.
I am nearing the end of my rope, and I know that I have to find my own way out. Hopefully I'll be able to do that. Thanks for listening.
