Big hugs to you. I am glad you are starting to remember the good stuff that was said. Have you though to look under the grief section of the program? It might be helpful to you at the moment. Anyway, I just wanted to say you are in my thoughts. Hang in there!
thank you stardust and dear diva - i am finally calming down a bit and remembering some of the good things that were said at the service: we have 2 ears and 1 mouth - which means listen twice as much as you talk. the pastor went on and on about marriage being the union of 2 people who then become 1. harold and penny were like that, always considered each other first, always loving and respectful of each other. but.......they were not perfect people and had a lot of guilt on theirs plates, too. life is like a soap opera, isn't it? penny was actually my ex step mom in law. she was my actual ex mom in law's best friend who stole her husband away 30 years ago! but then they took the wrong and made it right (for them anyway). it goes without saying, unfortunately, my actual ex mom in law is still a bitter, bitter person. life is difficult for everyone it seems. i know what you mean stardust - "my heart breaks a little more each time".......i wonder how long mine will hold out!?
Oh Rose. My heart goes out to you. It must be really awful trying to make such huge decisions when you already feel you have had enough to cope with. Perhaps it is worth a thought to let your son decide where he would feel ok living and take it from there. Try not hold ourself totally accountable for all your childrens actions, they have their own minds and as hard as it may be to watch, they have to make their own way in life. Being a Mom is the hardest thing in the world. I know it breaks my heart when my daughter is in a mess in life and I always just want to go and sort it all out for her and make her feel happy and ok again. I normally do this and I have found that she then expects me to always get her out of the shluck and she hasn't learnt any ways of doing it herself. So now I have had to take a back seat and let her sort her life out herself - While my heart breaks a little more each time.
I don't know if my rambling on will be of any help to you. Just know that you are not alone.
I am so sorry you are feeling so down atm. I think your husband and mother are very harsh. As for your hubby being the best thing for you...In the past I have been told that and I got so sick of it. I told people, yes I was lucky to have my hubby but he was lucky to have me! I am worth it! And you are too! And if your mom is always so negative put your foot down. Tell her to be nice or you won't talk to her and put it into action! You don't have to take that kind of talk! As for your husband it seems to me you two really need to communicate better. I find his position very rigid.
As for your son, you obviously love him. And you do the best you can with him. But hey, sometimes kids have trouble in life and it had NOTHING to do with their parents and how they were raised. I have known people with horrible parents who are doing super well and people with wonderful parents who are doing horribly bad. So stop blaming yourself! You obviously love your son and I am sure he feels it and that is what counts, that you love him and do your best!
Anyway, I am sorry if I sound preachy or agressive, I don't mean to be. Sorry for the ranting. I guess I am tired and not as good with words as I would want to be. But hang in there Rose. We are here for you. This too shall pass!
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Have you read through session 13 and 14? Session 13 discusses relationships and session 14 works through Resolving Disputes. I think you will find these sessions useful.
thank you everyone for your support. i don't know how i'm getting thru.....just going thru the motions. i got up this am with every intention of getting some sun and working in the garden, but i can't even bring myself to go outside. i've just been sitting here crying and hating myself for all them mistakes i've made, all the stupid things i've apparently said and done. how do you change at 50? i'm afraid i'm stuck with myself and the messes i have made. i'm beginning to think something more than depression and anxiety is going on with me. i wonder if i am bipolar or borderline personality disorder. seriously nothing is going right with my life and never really has. my husband and i are going to 2nd and last appt w/psychologist tonight. eap - ran out of free visits and may/may not need to find someone else. i am so afraid to just talk face to face even with my husband of 12 years! i wrote a letter for him to read before going to work and he answered back in the margins.....here's the jist of it - if anyone can give me some good advice, i'm forever in your debt. my youngest son - 20 - will be released from jail in 5-9 months depending on how well he works the "program". i wrote that i wanted him to move back here, get a job, give me his checks, get his license back, get a car, save for apt. my husband says the last thing he needs is a car - he got a dui 2 years ago. he can't live here (we live out in the boonies) he should live where he can walk or take bus to work. if he moves back here we will all be in a downward spiral. i never taught him to respect me and therefore he respects no one and i shouldn't think that that will ever change. my husband does not trust my son for good reason, but when does the punishment end? how does someone prove themselves trustworthy? i am between a rock and a hard place and lately i daydream about getting in my car and just getting the hell out of here. leave everybody and everything behind and start over. is that ridiculous? my husband tells me to get a job (haven't worked in 8 months) and set him up in an apt somewhere and hope that he is able to "do it". if he moved back here he could get back on insurance program and i can take him to a psychiatrist. husband says what good is treatment - he's had treatment and it didn't help then what makes me think it would help now? i'm a puppet on a string - no power whatsoever. my mother, who i talk to infrequently tells me to listen to my husband, he's the best thing that ever happened for me, she's also said that i was never normal and my kids (her grandchildren) are weird! probably shouldn't talk to her at all. penny was more of a mother to me and now she is gone. how do i find a job when i can barely leave the house? should we just sell the house, get divorced, and go on with our lives? he would be free to play all the golf he wants, wouldn't be troubled by my troubles and i guess i would take my son and start over somewhere else? that troubles me because i don't trust myself to be a good enough mother. the ones that screw you up can't save you, can they?
My prayers, thoughts and condolences I send to you and your sons. Just love your children and try to be there when they fall. Always hug them and tell them you love them no matter what happens in life. I find it is the simplest and most effective way to deal with life's parenting issues. Everyone feels better with a hug.
I dont know where you are finding the abililty to cope. Makes my problems look like nothing, I just don't know where I would find the strength to deal with what you're going through.
Wow sounds like a really tough time. I am sorry you and your sons are going through this!
I have no children so I I have great advice for you on how to handle your sons. As for what support is. I think it is in a way a fluctuating concept. Sometimes, it means sticking to your guns and sometimes listening, sometimes a hug, a smile. Problem is figuring out when what is needed. Human beings are complicated. But I do think you are being too hard on yourself. You love your sons, it shows. I think as long as you love them and do your best to be there, that is the best you can do! My parents were not perfect but they did their best and they loved me. And if I ever have children I will do my best and love them. And that is all one can ask for oneself. Be kind to yourself. Hang in there!
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