Hello Goofy and Ashley,
While reading both your posts I think I figured something out RE: my mom and I's difficulty understanding what each other is saying sometimes. You were both saying it is hard to understand unless you have been depressed. But the thing is my mom has been depressed. I remember it very clearly as a child, those periods when she was not well. She was not diagnosed. I don't even know if she realizes she was depressed. I think she does, she mentionned it a few times. I don't know if she accepts it even though she has spoken to me about it. Anyway, that is not the point. The point is I remember her being depressed and how she was when she was depressed. And heer experience of depression was so much different then mine! Our symptoms are not the same at all. She would get sad and sullen and somehwat physically ill. Mostly she would get really disconnected from the outside world. She would retreat in her Ivory Tower when nobody could get to her. But she remained extremely and I mean extremely functionnal. She would just put herself on automatic pilot and did what needed to be done. For her, it was the path of least resistance and she followed it. It was her way to cope. She has always had this amazing ability to put herself on automatic and just go about her day. I remember those days. I felt so lonely...It was like being alone to a certain extent. She was there and she took great care of me. Clean house, good food, great activities to do. But reaching her was hard sometimes. I did better then most though. Me and her we have a special bond.
All this to say, I think she thinks everyone possesses that ability. The ability to retreat inside themselves, put themselves on automatic pilot and just go about their day, from one task to another losing a minimal amount of energy per task.... I don't think she realizes I don't have that option. I can't retreat inside. First of all inside hurts and it is as big a mess as my house currently is. Second, I don't have energy even for minimal energy tasks. Third, I don't have an automatic pilot, or if I do, it is faulty.... So I think when she sad that, she wasn't judging. She was trying to offer me the best survival tip of her entire existence. Cause I think, no, I know it is what saved her. She was loving me and trying to help me.
Our symptoms are just very different so it makes it hard for us to understand how the other one understand depression. But we love each other and we discuss and we will come to an understanding eventually.
As for my guilt, Goofy, you are right. It comes from INSIDE of me, and that is where I will solve it. If I did not feel guilt and shame inside of me, I wouldn't care what people think about the way I lead my life. I would tell them to shut up and move on. I do need to work on my negative core belief. My mom got me this great book on redicision therapy. I want to read it. I bet it will help.
Anyway, thank you ladies for your support and your insights! it helped a ton. It helped me remember things and understand things and put some hurt I had in me to rest! So thank you! Plus it is giving me a new thead to ponder on about my guilt and shame. Be back when I have more news or insights to share!
