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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

How does one just let go? How does one stop controlling anyway? Am working so hard on that but I am not doing so well lol. I am having some control issues lately. I feel it within myself. I know all I can control is myself. So why do I keep trying? Is it fear? Anger? Delusion? LOL! Talk about hitting my head on a brick wall.

So I guess to me the question is, once one figures out they can<t control things, how does one learn to let go?!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi guys,

Great thread, great topic. I beleive the only control we have is over ourselves. And still I keep trying to control situations and others... Lol! Why? Because I am anxious and I want things to be just so! How do I try to control, I try to control by changing others! Crazy of me I know. and all of that in my case, I find is driven by fear and anxiety. Whne I start trying to change my hubby and all that my hubby reminds me that the only time we can changfe someone is when we change their diapers haha!

I think that the only control I have is over myself and how I think and act and perceive things. This is why I beleive in CBT so much. It teaches how to use tools to act where I can actually act!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1288

Members, Great topic and you're on the right track. You're right that to a certain extent, we cannot control the events, changes and occurances in our lives but we can control our thoughts, feelings and actions towards these events. Positivity/negativity are two feelings that can influence our daily moods, behaviours and outlook on life. Thanks for sharing all your opinions and thoughts with us. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

Control... I think that usally people that feel unsure have the need to control everything. They fear the unknown.

I tend to let me off-leash. To act upon instinct. I know is not always a good thing to do. I need to learn some diplomacy.

I know I can't control the events and I also know that I should try to control my responses to events.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

ah, I think you are right - all of you. We can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. Part of that is by changing the way we perceive things and that requires changing the way we think. Am I on the right track here? It is both a positive and a negative and maybe, we feel so out of control that we are only responding to events and things and such with what occurs because of our biological changes and we could respond if we could process things differently. I think that it is important because we think we've lost it and in reality we never had it to start with it was an illusion. okay, I'll take more on this topic - give me some feedback!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Control is an issue that has good and bad connotations, it depends on how and why it is used:
Control over others to their detriment is bad, control over your children so that they learn to be socially apt is good. Controlling yourself in acceptable, positive ways is good. Controlling others so you are comfortable is bad. (manipulation)

No one has control over circumstances, we can only control our responses to them.

I think everyone uses control in some way. Like I said above, motivation is likely the factor which decides whether it is good or bad.

My first marriage was full of control and it was bad for me so I first think of control as bad. I tried to control my daughter for her own good, not mine. Although I felt this was good control I realize it reached a point where it was not and I should have concentrated more on the control of my responses than to keep trying to force her to fit into my mold. I am at a point where as bad as things are for me right now I realize that I do not have control over my husband's decision. I pnly have control over me and my responses. This is where I am concentrating. (And I'm not very good at it!) Does this make any sense?

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi gang.

I think control is something we create to try to understand the illnesses that distort the world we knew.

As a young adult I tried to manpulate most situations so there would be the most stability possible, the less spontanaity and surprise as possible. I could not deal with stress (now I know why). I wanted to control people and events. Utterly impossible but still my dreams.

Each decent into the pits of depression, was full of anxiety and the desire for control. If I could order my life... If I could settle my finances ... If I could plan my studies ... If I could just make past today ... Then I could take charge of the rest!!! utterly impossible. Events, people, life goes on as it will not as I would have it. I could make provisions and short-terms plans but I could plan every moment -every breath- for the next 15 years. And the more I tried the less life would fit into the plans... the less control I would have.

So now when I struggle for control I know that there is an imbalance somewhere. I am struggling with myself to fit a "norm" a "plan" that is impossible. It is good to have goals and objectifs but for me I need a loose definition. Otherwise my anxiety boxes me in and continually narrows the margins.

that reminds me I should pull out blake to near my bed for tonite's reading...

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Great topic Goofy!

I am sure that everybody has their own opinion regarding this topic, so I am interested to see what everybody has to say. I think that one should strive to have control over their own thoughts. Challenging your negative thoughts is an example of this. I do not believe that one can have complete control over what happens in your life, but you can control how you handle the issues that arise.

Members, what do you think?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

on controlling from co-dependents no more - many codependents: (and depressives)
*have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codepedents sorrow and disappointment.
*become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
*don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
*think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave.
*try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation or domination.
*eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger
*get frustrated and angry.
*feel controlled by events and people.

i think control is important to us because we fear losing it. maybe it's just an illusion. really great questions, goofy!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

I would be interested in what anyone has to say on the subject as it seems to come up in many posts. The issue of control. Is it a negative core belief that we must be in control? Or is it something for which we should all strive? In control of our life? How realistic is it to think we can control what occurs in our life? If we can control our mood would that make us be in control? I've always wanted control and to be in control. Does this mean because we have a mental illness (a biological disease) that we are not in control? Do people who have other diseases have more control? What exactly is control? I am analyzing this to pieces but am interested in learning more.....help me understand why control is so important to us. I don't remember it being an issue pre-depression. Maybe it was because I was in control....but I wasn't or I wouldn't have had the environmental things that contributed to my depression - right? Ah, someone come to my analytical rescue!

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