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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

oh wow ... now we are some where.

I have not read anything new in a while but my old favorites are the books on the world of Darkover by Marion Zimmer Bradley. I also enjoy a lot of the fantasy of Mercedeys Lackey - not the Sci Fi. I have begun reading the world of the Emerald Knights (Chevaliers d'Emeraude) to pratice my french. And I recently found a translated version -into french- of le Premier lecon du sourcier.

I love fantasy and magic that keeps my mind busy. I love to read and re-read these stories and follow a new line... some foreshadowing, or a series of images, and maybe a character or two.... I guess It is how I wind down at the end of the day and regain CONTROL of myself. THe stresses, the events, the people ... I sometimes relive in the day over and over again. So the stories and the exercises help me take myself in hand and take control.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Pete, I find myself unable to focus and concentrate enough to read at this time. However, once upon a time, in a time far away (it seems), I read Atlas Shrug and thought it was awsome, Anna Karinina, what a love story, Les Miserables, how profoundly boring, but I've read it. I liked the books written by, Yeah, that's him.... He wrote Tis and something else and they were good. Ya can't be from KY and not like Mark Twain. I liked to read about different religions I liked to read professional journals and books in my career field. At the bookstand is James Patterson and stuff like that also true crime!

Sorry my spelling and memory are not good when it comes to what I used to do. I used to read all the time, everyday, and sometimes take long hot soaking baths and read a whole novel (the water was cold when I got out and no more hot to be run)! Those were the days, my friend! I loved the way a book took me away to whereever and whenever and get so engrossed that there's nothing going on around me!

I've also been off work, yesterday I sat around and thought about what I should do. Today I did a few things, tomorrow I'm going on a one-day trip for a NAMI walk. Sunday is my granddaughter's 2nd birthday (hence, the flurry of activities to get everything I wanted to get her for her birthday).

I borrowed my dad's van, that was mom's before she passed, so she's been on my mind alot today. Dad won't move anything that she put anywhere so her sunglasses are in there, a winning lottery ticket (long expired), tissues (some used - eww) and well, you get the point. It's been 2 years 6 months but he won't move anything. lol, I needed the van to haul the toys!

I am sorry about your trouble with concert tickets....I had a fiasco not too long ago with Neil Diamond tickets, concert was cancelled and rescheduled at an inconvenient time

so I had to get a reimbursement - what a pain. Who are you going to see in concert? That sounds like a fun activity!

I'll have to check out some of the books you've read in due time (I am hopeful). I'm not particular fond of sci fi or fantasy but hey, if they are good and I can focus and concentrate enough to read I think I'll be so excited that I won't be as picky as before. Hmmm, nursing books, I could've gotten into those too. lol, anything with words on a page! Right now I'd be into the ones on pharmacology and neurotransmitters and pinneal cysts!

Hang in there with us, Pete, about the time I think I've accepted me, this way....I start doubting again. At least, I don't quit my meds anymore! I like your analogy "like a passenger in my own mind". I'll remember that one. I think Diva had a good saying too - If you resist, it'll persist. That's too true to be comforting in some ways!

Thanks for the insight and the wisdome.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hello Pete,

I wanted to say I love what you said about acceptance. I find sometimes just accepting things, not resignng onself but truely accepting is the firts step to feeling better. As Eckhart Tolle (one of my fav authors) says: If you resist, it persists! Anyway, I just wanted to say this lol. Not sure how relevant it is. Hang in there, you can do this! We all can!

Btw, I love books! Some of the books you named I haveèt read yet. I might just give them a try! Thanks!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Goofy, you're right there. I have always been passive, I think it's just a basic cornerstone of my personality, and right now I would settle for being comfortable with that. It hasn't always caused me such anguish as it does now, so I'm really seeking acceptance of my own nature, rather than a wholesale overhaul of the way I am. That is just too big a job to contemplate - right now, all I can think is baby steps.

This week I have been off work to try and make a start on sorting my mind out. I had a couple of days of 'high' - buzzing with optimism and even thinking there is nothing at all wrong with me, and maybe I can go back to work early. Yesterday, though, I was so tense and tight inside, couldn't settle to anything, felt this great pressure to be 'doing something', and had to keep telling myself that I am supposed to be relaxing. Then the self-criticism kicked in, of course, and off to the races we went.

And this morning I had a small frustration trying to book some concert tickets online. I was beside myself with fury, totally out of proportion with reality, and it took something less than ten seconds for the fury to turn back inside onto myself. I ended up taking myself out for a walk, muttering and swearing out loud at myself as I stalked the streets like a vengeful spirit. At this rate, I'll end up as the local 'loony' that everyone crosses the road to avoid.

So, yes, the point of all this long-winded memoir is that I feel out of control of my emotions and feelings, like a helpless spectator as the mental winds blow one way and then another. I would just like to recapture the ability to balance myself, not feel like a passenger in my own mind.

Books? I work in a specialist nursing library, so I don't really read any of the books there. I find I can't concentrate on reading for pleasure at the moment - either too tired or too agitated. The only book I've read lately was a functional one - 'Overcoming Depression' by Paul Gilbert. Hopefully useful, but not exactly entertaining.

Among my favourite novels are 'All the Pretty Horses' by Cormac McCarthy, 'Malone Dies' by Samuel Beckett, the 'Song of Ice and Fire' fantasy series by George R.R. Martin, 'Naked Lunch' by William S. Burroughs.........I used to be pretty well-read once upon a time.

How about you, Goofy? What do you like to read?

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Pete, I can relate, all I really want to do is control my feelings so I can get back out there in the world, however passive I may be and function and interact with people. We meet passive people everyday on the street without depression. Why can't we just get our thoughts and feelings under control (ugh, that word) and go be passive in the "real world". Pete, as a librarian, I've bet you have read a plethora of wonderful books! I'm envious that you have all those books at your disposal to read! Share the titles of a couple of favorites (if you don't mind).

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Don't give up Pete!

If you feel that you are too passive, then maybe that is something that you can work on.

Keep us posted on how you're doing,

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Wildcat,

I relate to your post. It would be so nice to be able to keep our little (and big) ones from harm. I've had major meltdowns over just this issue myself. Then I realize that I do not have the job titled God and place them back in His hands. (I say that so easily - He frequently must yank them from me because I say it easier than I do it)

I guess I'm trying to say that our job as parents only goes so far. We get them here, nurture and love them. We protect them as best we can, but they must grow so we can't control every aspect of their lives. We must teach them what they need, how to be safe, how to respond to hurts. We won't do it perfectly and they may not accept the lessons, but we do what we can.

Your children experience your love and that's what you are there for. You give them the ability to face challenges by giving them self esteem.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Y'know, all I really want to control is myself, my own thoughts and feelings. That's hard enough without trying to influence any aspect of that big scary world out there

. Maybe I'm just too passive and I've given up....

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

hi wildcat, know how you feel. did you ever read the "fantastic four" comics or seen the movies (not as good)? i always wanted to have her power of putting forcefields around things/people. think of all the anxiety that would relieve! but we can't do it and life goes on......until it doesn't any more. it's a scary world but it's the one we have. still learning to "allow events to occur naturally". everybody agonizes over their kids but who is that helping? nobody. just stress and more stress. my older son likens sanity to being like a computer - purge all the unnecessary data - it's just slowing you down and inviting viruses, etc.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi diva,

I was crying on my husband's shoulder last night. it seems like everything is miserable these days .. and he told me to think of the children and the nasties will pass. I could have bitten his head off

This is where I completely lose any and all control and where I have some of my worst anxiety -still-. I leave my angels at the primary school in the care of educators and teachers and -a bunch of stranger- ! So my imagination takes off and I see the worst possible tortures occuring all day long to my lambs.

Don't think like that. There is such a small possibility of that occuring. Do not worry. EMPTY words from those who have no idea what it is like to live with the CD on all day long. And I have to fight against myself. I have to force my thoughts away from the CD back to my work and radio. I have to invent stories and create beading patterns in my mind to force away the nasties. I play with shapes and colours in my head and with sounds and songs to beat away the never-will-be-s.

Some days it is really easy because there is a world of things to keep me busy. And som days I fall exhausted in bed behind a locked door listening to my littles snoring in the next room - safe.

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