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miserable black hole

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Wildcat, I am glad you are taking precautions and implementing some strategies to prevent a mishap on the road. That means that you are trying to take care of you.

I know that you have an imagination - you've shared some of your creativity with us in terms of your fun things to do! That is the positive side of your imagination. Your list of hobbies also suggests and imaginative mind and creativity! That part of your imagination is something to be proud of!

Hmmm, the master of my future, that is gonna take some thought. I have to decide if I want to try to be the master of my future. Is that a realistic goal? Is it attainable? How long will it take me? Do I know the steps to get there? I'll figure out these answers and see if we have a common goal; get back to you on that one.

In the meantime, I look forward to hearing from you and as always your wisdom and insight is ever so useful. Thanks

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Wildcat,

Like mom of 3 said, it is good to see that you have begun to challenge your thoughts. I know it can be difficult, especially when you feel that your wrong thoughts are more than just thinking negatively, that they are deep feelings, but you can do it.

It is a good idea to visit your psychiatrist and to discuss your medications and how you have been feeling recently.

Keep us posted on how you are doing,

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Wildcat,

It is good to see your posts and that you have begun to challenge. I do not think that some of your negative thoughts are wrong - office politics are negative, they only support the office/powers that be, but never the individual. It is life, and what matters is our response to it.

It sounds like you have begun to formulate your response and that is good. You are taking steps to take care of you in light of what has been served on your plate. I hope you get to see your psychiatrist soon so that you can revisit your medication and determine if you need to do something different.

I also have issues trying to stay awake when I am overwhelmed with what I am going through. I am exhausted by it. It does sound like you are employing many tactics to compensate. I think awareness is half the battle when I'm like that. It's when it sort of sneaks up on me that I'm really afraid.

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

You know ... i worry myself. But I have tried the coffins pulled by snales several times ... sorry !! the Metro/subway. And I can't. I still can't. I will not. I can not. YET!

Those dark tunnels like catacombs of a city of the dead. The Metro cars full of sleepy, half-dead. The cracks and news that mention nothing but the urgent need for renovations and investments. It is all to much of the little control I have over my WILD imagination.

So, I listen to Kat, Lisa and the Sherrif on The Mix in the AM. To laugh and sing. I have the Tim-mmy Ho extra sugary bucket of coffee next to me. I ususally have some fruit to work my jaw and avoid yawning... At certain points (landmarks - 1km before the st-laurent exit) I change lanes because it is difficult and awakens my attention. I always have the window open and I try to remember 4 plates of the idiots who can not remember the rules of the road (changing lanes over a full line, no flasher or no 5 sec interval, driving in the reserved bus and taxi lanes, defective lights, etc). It also controls the anxiety, otherwise I imagine dying in a horrible ball of fire trappped next to an oil tanker or crushed under the load of a road-train.

you know goofy. I really hope the doc can teach me to get myself stable!

this way I will be the master of my future.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Wildcat, I am glad you are a bit better. It seems you have recognized alot of what is going on. That is a good thing, and scheduling the appointment is indicative of that. I am glad that you realize these things. I hope to hear that you are getting a lot better! You have so much insight into what is going on, even if it takes us time to figure it out it is so important that we do figure it out! Hang in there until you see the doc. I hope he/she can help you get more stable!

I worry about you with the car/nap thingy. Can we think of something that could keep you awake - air conditioning when it's cold, heat- when it's hot, a blaring radio, a vibrating seat, heck I don't know - something!!!!

Thinking of you and looking forward to seeing your posts!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

HI GANG.

I guess I am a bit better. I was miserable and did not hide it at work yesterday. I took the seroquel last night. And I have been thinking today. Yes occasionally It happens. I think. as maurice in beauty and the beast sings "it's a dangerous past-time I know"

I was showing many symptoms of my bipolarity ...

The past 5 days I have been BINDGING to the point of being nauseous and waking with acid issues at 2am so that three times I have had to take serious meds !

I have have been losing energy the past two weeks and this week have been falling asleep at my desk and twice in morning traffic ... and for the first time in evening traffic. a quick three second nod while I am stopped. and the car ahead moves up by three lengths.

I have been irritable and have had to hold my temper. I have had two points this week where my superior has had to remind me that everyone is under stress and not everyone has the same work habits (need for perfection) as I do.

My sleep has been broken and it seem everything is more interesting than so I have been reading, and soaking, and tv-ing, thinking rather than sleeping. So even when I get to sleep late when I wake to go to the bathroom well ... it takes time to get back to sleep (even if I am careful to open no lights and I use warm water to rinse my hands with no smell soap etc).

I went to the warehouse sale of bath products and spent too much money ... way too much ($400).

I have not censored what I have said .. just ran off at the mouth without thinking what I was saying.

The cold my son has shared has given us has given me a lot to focus on ... SORE back, Sore Legs, Migraine of several days.

I have BELIEVED I was right !! They are wrong to ask me to change. They are wrong to ask me to do all the ugly/complicated tasks. They are wrong to say that I might be the target of rumors and misunderstandings. They are WRONG!!!

This is more than just thinking negatively. This is more than having a wrong thought - i think. To me it is a deep feeling (hence mood disorder). So I go with what feels right and wrong and hold my ground from there. It had nothing to do with thinking and absolutely no reasoning involved. That was why I came and Pleaded for help with challenging!!! My feelings were telling me I was being wronged and I was in the middle of a threat but I was at work in front of the usual pile of paper.

My supervisor a very experienced woman and knows the game really well ... she is great at getting the information she wants from people. So if she tells me that there are those who do not understand my illness and I need to protect myself in the office to some degree It must be with good reason. I have been in this box for some time and have seen the damage that "politics" can do!

So all this thinking has led me to believe that it is time to book a second appointment with the psychiatrist and see if the meds have to up a bit to a "theraputic" dose or I need to do more maintenance ...

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

wildcat,

Sorry to hear about the changes that are going on at your work. The members have offered some really great advice. Hang in there, change is hard, but, you will get through this

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Wildcat,

I read your post this morning but did not have time to reply (Work!). I understand your feelings and sympathize with where you are. Office politics sounds likely. I just changed my role at work and the powers that be were not happy with my decision. They wanted me to do something different - something that would take more time and effort from me. I was allowed to make the change but have felt punished for doing so. I was given a set of rules that I did not work under previously - some made sense and others did not. They have relaxed somewhat since but it has been hard on me, especially with my other issues. I recently explained my reasons for wanting the position I am in now and why I feel unable to take on the job they wanted me to handle. I just didn't want to have to explain, but until my personal issue was known they did not understand my decision. This doesn't make me very happy, but I guess it's the way it goes. (This isn't exactly your situation but I just wanted to let you know that I have some understanding of your feelings.)

Perhaps in your case someone complained. There's always someone who only looks at what they're not getting, even if they don't need it, and fail to consider why someone else would need to have it. I am amazed at the things people will complain about under the guise of "fairness". Mostly it is selfishness, that someone gets something they don't that drives it. Regardless of what is driving the politics in your office it doesn't make it any easier to take. All I can say is do your best and see where it leads - many times the undertones quiet and things go back to the way they were. You may even find a positive in the new regimen and grow to like it.

Hang in there Wildcat, office politics hit us all sooner or later. Be sure brighter days are ahead. Keep us posted.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Wildcat,

Hang in there Wildcat, office politics hit us all sooner or later. Be sure brighter days are ahead. Keep us posted.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

thanks goofy for helping me challenge all that nastiness.

It is it "Office Politics". I am a big girl and have comforted others through those boss to employee times.

So, I should recognise it for what it is. The hand above tapping the ones below!

Rose I do wear my heart on a golden chain like a great big medallion

. But I do have a poker face, the mask smiling happy face that hides all the pain.

It is all just that I am being told to change at the rate that others need me to and not he rate that I am comfortable with. I am the four year old with a pacifier. I will respond better to the salamie solution better than the garbage solution.

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