For a while now, the curse of depression has been getting better for me, and I was feeling stronger, motivated, and experiencing feelings of hope ~ something I hadn't had for years. But now, with all that is happening in my life, I feel as though I am being sucked under, and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop it.
Since the beginning of April, I have moved houses; had one of my children returned to my care (on the same day); started a part time job; my 16 yr old son was arrested and is being charged for two very serious crimes which the Police are trying to get put through to the District Court, instead of the Youth Court, which could mean a Prison sentence; and lastly (at least I bloody well hope it is!!!!), a man (who was supposedly my 16 yr olds Mentor) and his wife offered their home for my son to be bailed to under 24 hour supervision, which I encouraged in Court, turned out to be a ********* predator, and had in fact been in a so-called relationship since January.
Maybe that is one of the biggest things for me ~ I feel so incredibly angry at this man. I don't know how he met my son, but I do know that he met him just after my son almost succeeded in taking his own life on January 1st this year. My son has also been suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. since then, and this 52 yr old bastard has taken advantage of his vulnerabilities, and preyed upon him, in the guise of 'wanting to help him'. I have known for a number of years that my son is bi-sexual, but certainly had NO idea he was involved with a man of that age. This man stood up in Court, before the judge, and said he was my son's mentor, and that he had met him through Victim Support (where he works), and it was all just lies. The Police discovered all this through text messages on my son's phone (which was taken into evidence when he was first arrested), as well as through the predator's phone.
I have been fighting SO HARD for my son, not that he gets away with his crimes, but that whatever punishment he is given does not put him on the path to a life of crime. He is not someone who is a repeat offender, or who has committed crimes before, but due to the seriousness of the charges (aggravated robbery), he might end up in a place where the only thing he will learn will be how to not get caught.
Before all this, he was doing really well in the Services Academy (which is like a high school course for those who would like to go into the Army when they're of age), and going into the Army had been his goal for years. Now, he has stupidly thrown away all of that, and you know why? Because doing the crimes made him feel alive for a while, instead of just depressed and numb. Please, don't think I am excusing anything he has done ~ because nothing can. I just don't want his whole life to be wrecked because of crimes that seem to be linked to the depression. He's had a s*** life, with his father mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and occasionally physically abusing him, and with a mother that just wasn't there for him. Who didn't protect him like a mother should.
I feel angry, I feel guilty, I feel fury, but most of all, I feel powerless...........
Dear God, I don't want to keep being sucked under like I am now ~ I want to stand tall, and stand strong. Instead, I sit here on the computer, with housework desperately needing to be done (no motivation), and with the need to just curl up by myself somewhere.
Any and all suggestions would be most welcome right now, and thank you for listening.
