hi confused it is so nice to hear from. I was kinda lonely. I am begining to understand how I can be... I live at 80 km/hr and have people all around me - always. and yet I am lonely. I think it has to do with this mood roller-coaster I can't get off. When I am at the top of a hill I am alone, no one understands the thrills and the needs. I can't just stop and get off to join the others. And when I am in a low the rest seem so high up that it is impossible to move and there too I can't just jump off and join the rest of the gang in the amusement park. i know I have moments of walking around and enjoying the site; but I do not have any controle over what ride I will be stuck on next. And hence I am alone. I wonder what it would have been like to have a parent who understood the illness, lived the illness and talked to me about it. for now, I am trying to muddle my way thru. and I need a nap.

Hi wildcat Well done for pulling yourself away from the brink -- that's huge!! And a date with your husband -- that's huge, too :) I'm so glad that you're feeling better and got some time to just be.

hi gang. hi confused... I came near a waterfall cry Friday afternoon at work! but managed to buck-up. the weekend was better!!! one brother-in-law invited both of my littles to sleep over his place, so I went out with my husband ALONE on a date! we returned income taxes to his new client. we went to a new shopping complex and ran around a book store for 2 hours. I found a good cat-humour book and a bipo book.

I remember a babysitter reading a story to me, one that I'd read many times myself, and at one point the heroine, having suffered misfortune, flopped on her bed and had a good cry before getting up to pack her bags and set off to sort it all out. My babysitter commented that it was a strange thing to do, to flop and have a good cry first. It seemed to me to be a very natural thing to do. Admittedly, with this depression there's been a lot more flopping and crying for me than getting up and sorting things out, but I can feel the balance shifting, and a lot of that is due to the strength I gain from you and the others here. Anyway... my point is that there's power in having a good cry when things are particularly tough. "Better out than in" as Shrek says.

[b]T H A N K Y O U !![/b] By the way my husband is not the one who is mad... it is i who is furious with him. chouette is a barn owl. soft and strong. quiet and imposing. adaptable, shy, busy, and incredible parents... etc. i feel a bit better now. took the day off at my expense. i slept all afternoon (4 hours) and am watching the news with a strang and interesting news anchor... i can tolerate the house... i tried to help my sister but did not invest anything in the resolution of her relationship problems. i ate cream-of-wheat with a ton of butter (my comfort food) for lunch. i think i will haul my carcas to bike for a half hour at the gym with the sister-in-law. thanks confused. it is good to hear someone's voice. it is good to be reminded that this is a moment. i will eventually find a stable and normal point again. it is good to know that i am killing my children and that they will be the best possible people they can when they grow up... it is good to know i am not sabotaging my own life - i am living will an illness where some days are okay and others i fall into a hole. (guess i need to take my shovel and picks to dig a ramp out of here).

Whew! I thought I was the only person with a house that constantly looks like a hurricaine hit. Thank you for normalizing it for me, wildcat! Do you feel better for venting? I'm right there with you on everything except the husband part -- I feel like I'm never going to be able to pull myself together if I can't even pull my house together. I can spend a couple of hours sorting out and cleaning a room, only to have it all undone again as soon as the kids get home. Out of control? Continually! What habits am I modelling for my children? My kids complain that all I do is yell -- it's not true, but they don't pay any attention to me unless I yell, so that's all they hear. I could go on, but I won't because we both know that it's all true and none of it is true. On a bad day, it's true. And currently you've been having to devote a fair amount of energy to your chouette, who then loses his confidence at the last moment and is now angry with you. And mean! That's a lot of negativity to cope with, on top of everything that you normally have to manage. But except for the bad days, none of it is true. Ok, perhaps the messy house and piled up dishes are true. And that hubby is being an ass is true. But you're a wonderful mother, wildcat, doing what you need to do in order to give your children all the love and attention they could ever need or want. They're actually very lucky to have you -- a smart, attentive and resourceful person who recognized the real and potential medical issues and is doing a great deal to ensure that they get the proper medical attention. You inspire me. With the considerable challenges that you face, you (for the most part :)) stay positive and maintain the energy to keep moving forward. The way you usually write about your husband makes me wish for a relationship like you have. My experience, as you know, hasn't been great and I'm more than a little gun-shy, but reading your posts reminds me that soulmates exist. So now I'm keeping a eye out for my own chouette (I've no idea what that means, btw -- presumably it's an endearment like darling or honeybunch?) Your kids, not even considering their health issues, are at an age when they are still a lot of work. Again, you know that, because you're a wonderful mother. Being tired and fed up is to be expected, so allow yourself to be fed up at times -- just never forget what an amazing person you are and how much you actually do!

hi sylvie, most of the time i am there and do that... last night/this morning i exploded under the pressure. i have been on a roller-coaster these past two months with very little time to resource myself. i tend to need some of that solitude that crushed me as a child and adolecent. i need to be completely alone with nothing and no one... and at this time in my life it is impossible due to the finances, the children, the jobs, and life. well i do not really explode i implode. i turn everything inward and hope to survive. anger, frustration, negligence, sadness, pain, disappointment... anger: i am upset and even angry that chouette has such potential to move onwards and upwards iin the domaine he studied and loves. i am at a dead end and now cannot move since i need some stability to learn to deal with my energy. i cannot blame chouette that he made the choices he needed to. all i can do is tell myself to be supportive and hush up. : i am upset that the doctors cannot take a test and tell me why my daughter rocks her head. i am upset that doctors did not see this as a problem when she began at 18 months. i am upset that the school finds my son has attention deficite and the clsc is not returning my calls. i am upset that my husband blew up and assumed that the only thing a doc will tell us is "give him ritalin" my husband knows nothing, listens only to his interests and assumes the rest based on hear-say. deep down does he have those prejudices about my mental illness and my meds? frustration: i am slow and tired. i want to be hypomanic for the rest of my days and all i seem to swim in is this foggy almost depression. i want energy and i think i am doing all i am supposed to eating healthy, exercise, work, family, stress-controle, illness management and support... and still i want 10 to 12 hours of night sleep and 20 min nap at 13:30am. negligent: i can,t keep up anymore. the more i want to do the right thing the more i leave aside. i want to do laundry and dishes and i end up vegging in front of the tv. i want to teach my kids healthy activities and the pleasure of exercise and i cannot beat my own inertia. sorry sylvie. i seem to have gotten stuck in that old path today, negative, and depressed. i know that your words make common sense but i just don,t feel them today. i cried a good part of the evening and gave myself a migraine so i am at home suffing myself on ibuprofen.

Hi Wildcat, Oh, the endless washing and dirty dishes! When the housework builds up so much you just dont know where to start do you. The job seems insurmountable. I had the same problem and decided that it was impossible to 'fix' things all at once. Instead of doing one job at a time, it makes you feel like you are getting no where. What i did was to get some big boxes. I just scooped up all that belonged to me in one box, husbands in another and daughters in another, paperwork in another. I then hid the boxes in another room. (out of sight) While i was doing this the husband and daughter had to clear the kitchen of dishes etc. They had to take responsibility for their own box. If they left anything hanging around i would just dump it in their box. Even if it was dirty washing. If it wasnt in the laundry bin it didnt get clean. i still have my paper work box to sort out but the house is so much easier on the eye and easier to keep clean because its tidy. No, everything is not in the proper place but its not all over the place! Clearing the clutter away helps clear the mind too. Hope this helps a bit. Good luck. x[font=Script MT Bold]Text[/font][color=Teal][/color]

wildcat, Don't be too hard on yourself. I think you need to give yourself a little more credit for everything you've been doing and have done. You have a great familly that cares about you. Everyone has house work, dishes, and laundry. Maybe you can try working on a schedule, do whatever you can within the time allowed, if it dosen't get done, don't worry about it. Take some time for yourself, take a bath or a quiet walk, take the time to regroup and to clear your head. Ask yourself what it is that you would like to change and how it can be done. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

hi gang, I am miserable tonight. My support group went well and the month is finally-accontingwise over. my husband is starting to decompress from his job hunt and shooting his feet. i only have one or two more weekends locked up. and i am miserable. I hate the four days worth of dishes that forever lie in the sink, on the counter, piled on the end of the table and that are abondonned a bit all over. I can,t catch up on any laundry. i get two blankets clean and 8 more show up with 10 days of my my daughter,s quick changes (twice a day) and my sons stuff that ends up on his room floor, the hallway to his room, around the litter and socks EVERYWHere else. then my husband,s stuff is is on, under, or lying around any piece of funiture you can sit on... i have let paper accumulate a foot deep on all 4 bedroom chest, one library, and on shelving. ihave books and magasines all around my bed and work table and behind the sofa. i have nagged and complained to my husband and about my husband,s idiot need to search the job market for his skills value, and hours before going to sign the contract call me in a panic blubbering about not going to leave the miserable construction dump accounting job. will i have another 8 years of... he called me FAT... he asked what rotting vermin was i heating up in the microwave... he vented the toilet over my desk and now says my area smells like ****...? all month i put up and comforted his concerns, fed his hopes and he calls me on the cell to cry in panic. and now he wonders if he did the right thing. GET OVER IT! I am the worst mother i know. i want to rent out my vermin and have one week-end alone. i want to sit by a fire and read 4 books eating nice cheeses n baguette. i resent having to shell out to school, after-school services, daycare and now day camp. i want nice things, i want to go away to all those nice places my friends have visited that you need a passport to go to. i have my son,s school reports in my bag for two weeks and the clsc has not replied to my three messages. and i am pushing to see whatever pediatrician is available for my son. i finally got around to filling in my daughter,s psych questionaires for the hospital... after another week and a half. i am not loving and supporting anyone right now. i feel hurt and useless. my home has been a mess for the past 15 !!! years!!! i have been stuck in the same deadend job for nearly 10 years with no hope of moving up and no confidence to get out. i am a whouse where my children do not even notice that i am yelling at them, and now my daughter sticks out her tongue at me when i scold her. useless. i am not pushing for my childen to see the proper specialists in the shortest possible waiting time. useless. i am not supportive and understanding of my husband,s recent needs and stresses. useless. i am cracking under the pressure of work and family. useless. i am sure that is a someone barely making a living who would be 300% better than me at the job i do. i am sure there are thousands of parents who are desperate to have children and cherish and provide for them wholeheartedly. i am a slob and no better that the half controled father that had me and i am as infantile as my mentally deficient mother - they all were right to judge me so harshly. there are a thousand women who would happily kill to find someone like chouette to be with. here i am ready to toss it all and move to a convent in brazil. no i am not suicidal. i am way too afraid of the karma that i will drag along with this spirit. i am afraid to miss. i am afraid of causing so much grief and pain. i am willing to maintain the status quo so only i suffer. it is just that some days are better than others. i want something that will numb the pain inside. the pain of seeing that i have so little value; the pain of hating the person i am... my childish and unproductive hobbies, my substandard work, my single unequal relationship.