I think I've heard of the book--it's by Patty or Pattie (I forget which) Duke. One symptom of mine I forgot to mention that does fit with the more classic bipolar symptoms is a sense of elation. You mention feeling like you were in the center of the universe. I've had that feeling before--what can only be descibed as intense religious experiences. There are moments or experiences that I would prefer not to be cured of, which is one of the paradoxes of bipolar disorder. One reason it took so long to reach a diagnosis was because I only went to the doctor when I was depressed, not when I was hypomanic. That is, until the cycles increased in frequency and I found myself on a very fast roller coaster, I didn't mind some of the highs at all (except the irritability). I sure got a lot of work done!

hi caimansberry, I just finished A brilliant madness; living with manic depressive illness. I have see the touched with fire on several reading lists... and I hope the doc center has it. the public library near my house only has french reference books and I am not ready to read bipo in french yet...

Wildcat, You mention a couple of times in your post that you are a creative person. If you are interested in reading about the connection between bipolar and creativity you might check out a book called "Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament" by Kay Redfield Jamison. She also has another book entitled "The Unquiet Mind" which is a memoir dealing with bipolar illness. One downside of the medication for bipolar (I've found) is that it saps creative energies. I am a writer, but ever since I was diagnosed with bipolar and went on medication I've lost that creative edge. I wouldn't want to go back to the way I was before the meds but I hope I can build up my interest in creative activites again by sheer will and discipline. Thanks for your response!

hi caimansbetty, I am newly diagnosed but have been living bipolar for some time now... I am controling the anxiety and the depressive episodes with effexor and seroquel and the usual thyroid proble with synthroide. Ah the therapie... that is something. I keep repeting to myself that I am ... I have an illness. I have trouble controling the intensity of my emotions. I am an intelligent creative person. I am goal oriented. I am not just the addition of these parts. i am part of close system learning and living this period to the best of my abilities. i am many things but I am one important thing - I am my unique self. So the illness has taken me for an interesting ride ... at 15 it took me for a nice -sexually awakened summer- where the death my my grand-father did not really touch me... It took me then to a difficult period at school and with family. and settled in as a general depressed mood... as a yound adult I had a major depressive episode treated with prozac (6 months), a crisis center (2 weeks), and a quick back to school and work. No one really knew the extent of my highs and lows.. I kept them hidden inside... I channelled it all to the interior and created my own world where I was a hero and villan! I raged and vented interior-ly and made sure none of my "petticoats showed". The most anyone noticed was an excessive shyness. From the inside it was a fear that if I exposed anything they would all see that I am a worthlesss imbecile. and in the other times, all you could see was a me who liked to singe bits of songs out loud and if there was a party I would booze and dance. From the inside it was a mess of fun and never wanting the fun to ending; a lot of disappoints would follow... My last episode was a depression with a lot on anxiety back in nov 2005. I think I have those slow (years) cycles interspersed with lots of boring normal. In that normal I have some nice weeks of energy and creative ideas and clarity. And I have those months of boredom, gloom and sleep. -cyclothymia- I very recently exerienced an upswing with the irritable-ness and the anger/rage. I recognized it and ran. I have some trouble with self-esteem and confidence - so when I become the center of the universe I know I am in trouble... I thought -this time- my work friend was doing it on purpose to ignoe me and be mean to me. She was not looking at me, did not respond to my humourous e-mail, and was talking to another person. The fact we were working had not gotten in yet. I was so mad at her... and my boss had ignored a note in a client account that dated to a month earlier had had me on edge as well!!! in a "normal" depressed state I would have been crushed inside - all against me because I am worthless, not this they are all inferior losers out to make me ridiculous! But all due to the fact I wanted to see if I could come down a bit from the meds... I cut seroquel 25mg and was reducing the effexor from 150mg to 112.5mg :mad:. I do not want to go there again. so I am a good girl, I take every night between 7 and 9 the pills that keep everything together. I follow the exercises from my psy - keep track of the negative, regulate the intensity of the emotions that spring up, and now learn what is the present moment. I am still to new to my bipolar diagnonses to use the bipolar terms and to have this illness tag as the biggest in my purse. I need to accept it first. I have to keep repeting that I have an illness. I have my father's illness. I have symptomes, and moments where not 100% of my energy is available to the task at hand.

Members, Please share your experiences! Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator

I would like to hear more from members about their experiences with bipolar. My last psychiatrist (she moved, so I have to start all over again with a new one--the second time this has happened in six months!)asked me if I thought I was really bipolar--it seems to be the "in" diagnosis these days. She increased my Depakote so I guess she thought I was legit. I'm still wary, though, and partly because I don't necessarily fit the "standard" bipolar pattern. I don't experience the intense highs of classic mania; rather, my mania, if that's what it is, manifests as intense irritability and sudden mood swings from depression to anger. When I was initially diagnosed, I was cycling every seven to ten days. The specific diagnosis, then, was Bipolar II, which includes depressive episodes and hypomania. Any other Bipolar II folks out there with similar symptoms? I've also had to turn to a combination of drugs to treat the bipolar, the depression, and the anxiety, since no one drug covered them all. Does anyone else with bipolar have to take a cocktail of meds as well?

Wildcat, There is no sutch thing as "normal", everyone is different. What you need to do is find a healthy balance, a place where you feel comfortable and happy. Once you achieve this, you could then do what it takes to maintain it. Like Danielle said, it's important to stick with your treatment, this will help to control and reduce episodes. Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

hi Danielle, I have only begun to see that I cycle! And it scares me. In the past those "highs" have been redirected into my imaginary world... I have created a whole imaginary world in my head where I have the talents and magic to change the world... It combines the elements that I found interesting for 30 years of fantasy and sci-fi and TV! One of my worries is that in a BIG HIGH I lose the barrier between the imaginary and real ! I have not been there YET!?! I really and looking for the landmarks that point the direction that I am heading in. What should be Normal -normal energy, normal moddiness, normal agression, normal sleepiness/exhaustion ??? from there how can I tell if I am going WAY UP / WAY DOWN or back to stable?

Members, Bipolar Disorder is also called manic-depressive illness. Bipolar disorder is much less common than major depression but it's important to understand what it is and what makes it different from major depression. One symptom of bipolar disorder includes cycling mood changes that include extreme highs (mania), extreme lows (depression), and periods of normal functioning (wellness). Sometimes the mood changes in bipolar disorder are fast, dramatic and obvious, like there is a "mood switch" that is being turned on and off. Usually, though, the mood changes in bipolar disorder are much more gradual and less obvious. In a depressed phase, people with bipolar disorder may have some or most of the symptoms of major depression. When in a manic phase, people with bipolar disorder can be extremely energetic, active, talkative, and irritable. The symptoms of mania include problems with thinking, judgment, and social behavior that can cause serious problems and embarrassment for people with bipolar disorder and the people close to them. People in a manic phase often feel so energized and alert that they feel like they have "special" powers or have been "chosen" for a "special mission." People in a manic phase are often talking all the time about big plans for fame or success, but their plans often only get them into trouble. It is also fairly common for people to get into trouble because of their increased interest in sex and sexual activity, and increased spending habits that can lead to financial problems. Untreated mania can sometimes worsen to a psychotic state that requires hospitalization. Less severe episodes of mania are described as hypomania. Hypomania is also a serious disorder, but it often goes unrecognized because the symptoms are less debilitating and severe than mania. Someone who is in a hypomanic state may have more energy, need less sleep, and be more talkative compared to usual; others may believe that they're just in a "really good mood" or are "hyperactive." Bipolar disorder is a chronic disorder. After an initial episode, people with bipolar disorder usually experience alternating periods of mania, depression and wellness for the rest of their lives. There is currently no cure for bipolar disorder. However, it is important to understand that recognizing bipolar disorder and sticking with treatment, even during wellness, can help keep the condition under control and reduce the chance that the episodes will worsen over time. Please share your experiences, questions or comments with us.