Hi HiddenC, You are an amazing person. So many hard lessons and difficult experiences, still you have your father and a a few real friends. You have a lot of things to face and a whole river of tears yet to cry but you are definately not alone. regardless of what you might sometimes feel (unworthy, undeserving) I think you are a strong person and will find the inner resources to learn to live life.

Thanks. Last night I was at an all time low. I hadn't been that low in a long time. One of my friends (who lives in Washington) called me during this and he talked me through it. He tends to know just what to say to make me feel empowered and help me to clear my head. He doesn't allow me to linger on my destructive thoughts. In fact, he gets stern with me if I do :). And that's exactly what I need. But he calmed me down last night, and kind of helped guide my thinking to more productive channels. His saying is "what is the problem, what is the solution? You know the problem, now find the solution!" He doesn't let me get defeated by obstacles. Anyways. What I wanted to say was I cried for the first time since all of this happened. Which is good. Tears truely are healing. When I was done crying, I really thought about things. I decided on a plan of action. I am going to the county board of mental health right after the first. If they decide I need to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital to reevaluate my situation(which they very well might), I have my friend's address and he has instructed me to keep in contact. I am doing this to make sure I am well. I am too giving and do not focus enough on my well being. Now it's time for me. I also realised that I have to do this on my own. I cannot rely on others to make me happy. I have to find it in myself. That's the only way I will ever be truely happy. Kind of like the "teach a man to fish" type thing.

Hey HiddenCheshire, I read your history and I see how much you've been taken advantage of over the years; what makes you so vulnerable to other people's mean and nasty sides?? Are you too 'open' too soon with people? I say you might try being more reserved with people until you know them well enough to open your heart to them - to trust them. There's no sign on your forehead that says that you're unloveable. You have to give love to get it back; wait for a while until you see that new people need your help before you advertise that you're a 'huge giver' - there's no doubt that some people, immature people, will always want to take from you if you show that you are willing to give it up without a reciprocal agreement between you and the 'friend'. I say that you would do well to go see a psychiatrist for an overview of your health - mental and physical - and then try very hard to find a group of real live people near where you live and sit and talk and listen with them until you have a better grasp of how to 'read' people and how you might learn to trust some people.... You're not alone out there. You must give to get back; don't open your bag of riches too quickly for strangers to drool over! You are a very smart human being who has been ripped off left, right and center over the years. You must do this programme and get into a talk-group right away. Think hard about calling a homeless shelter and ask if you can volunteer over the holidays to serve meals to the less fortunate folks.... Give the love in a practical way to get those hugs back.... In the meantime, we hug you here and are anxious about what you must do next to get squared away for the coming Year...

Hidden, Thanks for sharing your story with us today. You will find that there is tons of support and encouragement on our site. Please take the time to take the depression test and know that it is useful to help better assess the situation for you and your doctor. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. If you continue to need extra support our Support Department is always available 24/7. The members are incredible with support and knowledge and you can be active in your progress. Take some time to read through all the helpful tools and post often :) You are worth it! Josie, Support Specialist

(continuted) moved me back up to Ohio. I live with my father now. And I am still miserable. The only friends I have are via the internet. There's no one here to hug me. No one to hold me while I cry. The only real friends I have, I have never met. I don't know how they truely feel about me. I have no one to hug me. And frankly, I am not sure I am worth a hug. No one I have actually met is around for me when I really need someone. So it makes me think that if I meet my friends, they will do the same thing. Maybe I am just a bad person. Maybe I am being punished. Maybe I am just not worth it. I am so lost...

I have had a really hard time most of my life. Nothing was ever given to me. I have had to fight for every single thing I have. And now I'm all out of fight. My first memory is of me waiting in the courthouse lobby on the day my parents' custody battle ended. When I was in kindergarden, my babysitter's daughter raped me. This continued every schoolday until halfway through 5th grade. When my dad found out, he believed my babysitter and told my family that it was my fault and I started it. My mom, during this whole time, was being manipulative and trying to get me to move down with her. I am not sure what is true and what's not anymore because all of my memories have been replaced with things people tell me are true. My mom says my dad beat me. I am not sure about that. But that was her basis of getting me to move down with her. I did so at the end of 6th grade. Then all hell broke loose. My mom took me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. She promptly took my to a psychiatric hospital because she didn't know how to deal with me. I was moved from hospital to hospital, from placement to placement. When one hospital was done with me, she took me to another. It seems to me now that she just didn't want to deal with me. This went on from 7th grade to 9th grade. During the last placement, she met a guy online and he moved in. He was mean and hateful. He yelled at me and at this point hadn't hit me yet but got so close that I constantly feared him. When I turned 16, he moved us down to texas, where he lived. I was held back 2 years because they couldn't find the credits from my schooling in Kentucky. During the time in Texas things got considerably worse. My mom was hateful and harsh on me. I was required to do all the household things such as cleaning and cooking. My mom's boyfriend continued to yell at me and started hitting me. In the fall of my senior year, my mom's boyfriend left us. He was our only means of financial support. I finished the year in school and my mom announced she was going to move back to Kentucky. I didn't want to go at first, because I had actually made aquaintances there. But eventually I decided to go. It was then that my mom said she wasn't going to take me. She said she couldn't live with me anymore. So she left me homeless and penniless to live on the streets of Texas. I slept in train stations. I slept on rooftops. I am a very proud individual so I refused to ask for help. I was raped during that time. By someone who I knew. I still to this day can't drink canadian whiskey, because that's what he put the date rape drug in. My dad contacted me and had my grandmother send me a bus ticket. I packed what I had and left. I came up to Ohio to find that my dad seemed nothing like I thought I remembered. He was helpful and kind. I got a job and things leveled out. but I was still miserable. I was away from the people I knew. I had no friends. I almost committed suicide twice. I even went so far as to research painless ways to do it. A few of my high school aquaintances called me in November and told me they were on their way up to move me back down to Texas. when I got back, the 2 I was living with started treating me horribly. They talked to me like I was a dog. There was so much disdain and contempt in their voice. They looked at me like I was disgusting. They said awful things about me and threatened to kick me out if I tried to defend myself. They forced me to give all my money to them. They used my phone until it almost got shut off. I almost got raped again when I was down there. Again by someone I knew and trusted. And the people I lived with said that it was my fault. When I had exceeded my usefulness, they kicked me out. I had to beg them to drive me back up to Ohio. They agreed to it ONLY if I got the gas money that night. My dad gathered my Christmas money from my mom and my grandma and himself and wired it to me. They