My family, I think, have blinders on. They only see what they can help with,ot realizing that its with they can't see that I need help with. My dad keeps telling me to drive myself to work, even though, at the end of the day, dizziness that I am experiencing is worse as the day goes on, when I would have to drive home. That is dangerous. But not to him! Everyone(not just those at home) think that I can control my actions and get to a chair to help with the dizzy spells. When I tell them that it is better to let me have a controlled fall to the ground instead to trying to walk to a chair, where i could really fall. This is getting be be a daily battle with everyone telling me how to control myself ... not just trying to battle the dizziness, but battling people on how I am to act. Oh I get mad![size=4]Text[/size]

hi RK. I know how it is to be ready to fall to pieces and yet need to be the support for so many. my illness forced me to learn somethings that are important 1- being a bit selfish is not a bad thing and 2- if I do not clearly say what I need from others they can not see my thoughts and needs. Being a little bit selfish means that I now am allowed to go out alone, without two screaming kids and look at beads at the crafts store. It means I buy an "expensif" bubble bath that NO one but me uses. It means that I am allowed to tell everyone I do not want to be touched tonight, no cuddles, hugs, nor kisses. and I am not a chair/pillow to lounge on when watching TV. It means that for two hours a week the TV is mine to watch horribly violent shows (house, criminal minds). Telling others what I need is completely new! and Difficult! as an anxiety-driven person I am hypersensitive to the needs of others. It has been a Choc to learn that others do not have a clue what I need. I have had to tell my husband exactly what I need, why and how to satisfy those needs. When I have had a rough day and voice it, I always got angry at him for giving me a million solutions. He was not listening according to me. Did he think I was a simplton? No! He thought he was helping by offering new ideas. I wanted sympathy and a safe place to vent my negative emotions. I had to teach him to make "women-noise" in a conversation, to look at me, and how to touch to me comforting (hand, shoulder, hug). all this to ask... have you taught your family? They might be wandering in the dark thinking they have set a straight course and all you see is them fumbling round and around. Your needs are as important as your mother's and your sister's. Your fun is part of your healing from depression. So if it is questioned, there is a good reason for it... you are stimulation your dopamine production to rebalance the chemical in your brain. Also, you fun is part of relearning what is positif and rebuilding your self-confidence. You have fallen into the dark abyss of depression. Your negative thoughts and feelings have dumped you there. Your chemical imbalance has made the fall lower and darker. The tools on the site are there to help you get the feelings out and the thoughts moving forward again... And the gang is here to help you with moral support, sympathy, and real understanding. :) hang in there...

I feel like I am not worth anything. Everyone always takes from me. never giving anything back. This is how I feel. I know body image is not a real big thing, but I just can't see what guys are looking for. I feel work and home is good when I am there but when I am not there I feel used and abused. My boss looks to me to help others get hang of the job and to train others in special areas. But I don't get paid for it. At home I pay for a car that I can't drive because my mom needs it to pick up my sister's kids and because ofmore medical issues but no one helps me pay for it. I can't have fun because it gets questioned. But that isn't the worst part. $300 for one medication. I have to work a lor of hours to have some money to cover it. I am afraid to take a day off because if I miss day, a question if I can pay for it. I gave up a weekend away because I was sick ... now the doctos agree with me that I am sick. It is just one thing after another! Amanda

Hi Rangerkoala, You have a lot going on right now. I agree with wildcat, Body image is for the young. We want more from a relationship other than to just fancy each others bodys. if you like the person for who they are it is likely that you will fancy them. Same goes for you too. You must concentrate on healing your illness and when you are stronger you may be ready to embark on a relationship. relationships are difficult when you are well and strong, you are too vunerable just now. Education is the key to life, it gives us choices its not just about earning a high salary. It is never a waste. I understand how you feel as some days I can hardly string a sentence together, what ever happened to the educated woman i once was? The medication and this illness has reduced me to a crying wreck but I hope I can come back from this. hang in there. Keep posting.x

hi rangerkoala, For short-term sexual relationship a beautiful body is very important. But for lasting relationships, there are a million other qualities that are very important. Unfortunately, I have seen that my depression hides these. I am difficult and needy these days. My husband who knows me, knows that I will have better days sometime soon. But strangers would not know this. I would probably scare the daylights out of them. My advice would be to concentrate on healing your pain and your illness. Once things are better, you will be stronger and ready to put your best foot forward. You will be ready to enter relationships on an emotional equal footing. I do not want to be discouraging... it is just that after reading pposts from others, I notice that relationships are extremely problematique. Yes some like me find warmth and support, and others like nullpointer and gabs find conflict and frustrations. Education is Never a Waste! You worked hard for your eduction. You have proven that even as a youngster you were willing to put in a big effort and study. You sacrificed something to go to college. You invested time, effort and money. If you do not have the physical rewards you expected that is another discussion. Your education enriched your mind. It developed your understanding of the world and enriched your culture. and you did all this with little close moral support, you were the only one in your family. not everything is backward. It only seems like that because of the depression. I have tried to point out a few positives in your text. I hope you can use them to start new, "positive thought spirials".

Would I still be depressed without MS. Yes ... I am the only family member who went to college but have nothing to show for it. I am near my 40's and still never had a relationship with a man. I worked nights for 10 years and never found one ... now I am on days and still no one in sight. My cousins who are bigger than me (I am 240) all managed for get guys. One of my cousins' is over 340. Everyone I know makes more money than me. I look for dangerous relationships on line but the guys either never show. Everything I do seem backwards. Even this is wrong

RK, Hi, MS is a tall order to cope with everyday. Other members have other diseases on top or below the depressions. I started chronic pain at 17yrs with sciatica from degenerative disc disease. The, at 23 yrs, I got my ankle pulverized in a motorcycle accident and have had over 10 operations on it to fuse the bones successively over the decades but the chronic pain was always there anyway. Then, at 30 I had discs removed from my lower spine and that eased the back pain and stopped the sciatica. Then, at 40 yrs old I started with the kidney stones from the damaged kidney from the motorbike crash...one every 6 months and a few which had to be extracted by surgery. Then more ankle operations and now, at 59 I had to have staples removed as they startd to rise from the bone and cause infection in the foot. I ave to have a last staple out soon before it rises also... Finally, I have to have my right knee 'done' because of the limping caused by the left ankle chronic pain... I have all this chronic pain for all those years and I've been down the booze and pain-killer roads and have done rehab for drug abuse and for chronic pain (in-house pain management) I got the help to repair my life from AA/NA and the Health care plans of Canada for hospitalization. Many times I wanted to "get off the train" it was so hard to endure...physical pain 24/7 and depression and the feelings of being a 'useless lump'. I've survived and there are small things in the world that make me pleased and happy. I'll get off this 'mortal coil' when it's my time and not before. I couldn't 'betray' all the people who've helped me to survive the crap for so long... Hang in here and talk to us and hear what the counsellors say to you... I need you to be on here and I want to hear more from you...always

Hi Ranger, Do you really get more support at work because they want you to work or because the people you work for are basically decent people? Perhaps they do not have as many stresses that take up all their energy so they are able to share it with you? As you mentioned you and your family have lived with these illnesses for many, many years. Have lived with the ups and downs, with the hopes and dissapointments that have eaten all your energy! You are absolutely right that you can't go on every day like this. Can you do this TODAY? never mind tomorrow, I might be hit by a tanker truck in the traffic and not be able to read about tomorrow... All I can offer is today... And you; do you hold a "Tommorrow" in your hand like a lump of clay? Your depression seems very much linked to your MS. Otherwise how are you? do you know that you are a good person? do you believe when your family expresses their love and affection for you? Do you know that you, your opinions, your being all have a basic value and you are equal to those around you? In other words, if you woke up tomorrow and were miraculously cured would you still be depressed? i ask because I want you to think about the tought process that brings you down. I want to help you see where the exhaustion from the MS and the lack of a straight diagnosis puts you in doubt. Doubt eats energy, self-confidence, and self-esteem FOR BREAKFAST! Perhaps seeing where the negatives start will help you stop the thoughts from spirialing downward into the dark abyss.

I am sick and tired of having MS and no one can seem to help me. I am so dizzy, everyone thinks I am drunk. I fall into doors, walls, people. At work they have a chair for me in case I feel like I am falling down. As soon as I sit down, everyone comes running. I finally told all my bosses that I have MS and have had it for 9 years officially, 11 years (oh my gosh!!!) unofficially. Told my boss that I can't afford the medications they have me on, (trillium doesn't help at all) and that I am considering stopping it. Doctors are in a wait and see mode after having tested my heart and my blood and the newest MRI, all showing nothing! I can't wait and see! I want to STOP being dizzy! If I can't stop spinning... I can't take this anymore! The people around me don't think this is serious. They think I can work through anything. They don't acknowledge that I have problems. I suffer in silence. I've been the family doc, the ETN doc and now again with the neuro. The neuro doesn't understand it so my specialist is sending me to a specialized clinic. I seem to get more support at work (because they want something from me) than I do at home sometimes. The more frustrated I get the more down I get. The more this goes on the more I want to give it up ... I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, EVERYDAY! :8o:[

Rangerkoala, Welcome to the Depression Center and thanks for sharing your story. We strongly encourage you to begin working through our CBT program. It isn't uncommon considering your diagnosis to be having difficulty coping. We hope to help you along your journey and help you regain the meaning you've lost. Hang in there and don't hesitate to ask questions. Danielle, Bilingual Support Specialist