Yesterday i felt good for the 1st time in a long long time.
I was tired but I felt i had achieved something and done my homework.
Why then do i feel so low just now?
Although the low is not the low I felt a week ago it is in stark contrast to yesterday.
I went to see my spinal surgeon today and was hoping that he would find something that could be fixed.
I knew in my heart that this was unlikely but I hoped for it just the same.
It was a real dissapointment to be told that nothing more can be done. the next step is a pain management programe.
I dont want to loose my mind to the fog that comes with the heavy pain meds on top of the depression.
They understand and listened to me and said we would find a balance in the pain that was manageble to me without fogging my mind.
A trade off.
No pain = no brain.
Some pain= some brain.
heavy pain = o.k.brain.
I am going to try to settle for the middle one but selfishly want no pain and o.k brain.
I hate this.
The depression thing is bad enough to cope with but the pain is terible too. Am I wrong to want a life?
I love the theatre, but at the moment cant sit for the duration of a show.
My passion is to travel but long plane journeys are out of the question.
My husband keeps telling me there are people that are worse than me. I know that. I know people are living with terrible disabilities but it doesnt make me feel any better and then I feel terrible about feeling bad because others are worse off.
I felt so good yesterday. A real positive step forward.
I dont want to go backwards and feel that my medication is helping me a lot.
The tears are not coming nearly as much.
Sorry to ramble, its 1.30 am and my mind is racing, i feel irritable and husband is sleeping.
I want to be able to switch of the thoughts in my head.
I have had a relaxing bath, put on my favorite music, breathed deeply and nothing is working.
I dont even feel like doing something constructive like the ironing. I am tired.
i have eaten so much chocolate and cake I feel guilty about that too.
When will the good days be more than the bad?
