I have had a few great months with only the occasional slip into depression, which would only last a few days...the past 2 weeks have been devistatingly hard on me. I don't know what is happening...I am ok...then I get sad...then I get hyper-sensitive...then I find myself (unknowingly at the time) feeling it would be better to just stop. This is what has me really scared...These thoughts aren't consiously thought...they are sub-conscious and I fear that this constant subliminal message might take it's toll on me. I think of checking into a hospital then think...I am fine...what will they do for me??? I talk to my therapist...talk and talk and talk and get what I think is a great session only to sink back again after a few hours...ok, who am i kidding??? by the time I get back to the car...
I know stress at work is a major issue...I am trying to find a better job, but the pickings are slim...The house is in total chaos as we are having work done inside and everything is in every available space...everything is literally everywhere. I think the holidays are going to simply slip by this year as the construction will not be completed most likely until jan or feb.
I mope...I cry...I try getting in touvh with friends, but as with anything negative...they stop answering their phones. I am horribly alone in this. My partner of 15 years gives me the "it's ok...get your meds checked" response, but it isn't that easy.
I used to be so happy...lying to everyone, but I had more fun. Life has really taken me on a very hurtful roller coaster ride. I don't know how much more of this I can take...I need to find a way to get out of this as I fear it will eventually consume me. I fight every minute for this not to happen...I fear I am losing this battle...slowly, but still in all, losing it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hopefully someone can help me find the way out of this dark tunnel and back into the light...It is a very scary and lonely place here...I hope something positive happens soon...\
thanks for listening
