Thanks, Josie. I appreciate the support...I do use the mood tracker. More to add to the "drama"... I have been helping my nephew for a few months now with money and paying for his storage...phone bills...I even got him a lawyer to help him with a workers comp case. He has a daughter who was adopted away without his signing a release...I contacted a lawyer to find out what can be done about that...I am paying for a legal plan for him. I have told my nephew on numerous occasions that he should have contacted me as I would have taken the child...The entire family knows about this... I get a phone call on Sunday from a sister asking how the workers comp case was going...I told her that I didn't know as the lawyer would not (and I am glad for this) discuss the case with anyone except my nephew...She got a bit agitated then proceeded to tell me that she and Mom were discussing it and THEY decided that SHE would take the child if my nephew got her back. Adding, "the courts won't give you custody anyway." What the heck?!?!?!? I am a good person...I have a good job and have been in the same relationship now for almost 15 years (unlike any of my siblings) and I am the one the courts won't give custody to??? Well, now my nephew wants to go and live with this sister for a little while. I live 15 minutes from where he lives now...I told him that he could stay with me...now he is planning to move to Connecticut...What am I? Only good enough to get money from????? I cannot stop thinking about this...It has been on my mind since the phone call yesterday afternoon...I just don't get it. What have I done?

Solace, You will have days like this, it can happen. You have the right to be upset, but try not to dwell on it. Challenge your thoughts and stay focused. The members here are great for support and knowledge. Keep Strong, Josie __________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Thank you for the kind words of support...I wish I could tell you that they took all of the bad thoughts and situations over the past couple of weeks away. things just keep getting worse and worse... My grandmother passed away Sunday Morning. This was my father's mother. I cannot figure what has bothered me more...her passing or the fact that everytime I was to go see her, something happened that changed the plans.. Case in point... Two weeks ago I was at a dr's appt and thought I would go visit her since hearing that she was not eating any more and we knew it wasn't going to be long... I pull out of the dr's lot and got hit by a car. Last Tuesday I was leaving work to go to the home and my nephew called upset because he was stranded and he needed someone to pick him up. By the time I got him home, it was too late to go... Last Wednesday I was leaving work to go and as I was pulling out of my parking spot...a woman pulled out before I was clear and she hit me. It took the police over 2 hours to respond... Last saturday I was going after work...another call from my nephew needing help...missed seeing her again. Sunday I was going...received a call from my mother and without even saying hello, I asked what time she passed as I had a heavy thought in my head from 9am to 9:10 am telling her to go with my grandfather and not wait for my aunt to come over from France...She died at 9:15... The funeral was Wednesday...Tuesday night I received a call from the vet telling me that my 12 year old sheltie has kidney disease and I have to make a decision to try to treat (as there is no cure) it or give her quality of life. The funeral was strange...not a single friend came...not a single family member of my partner's (of 15 years) came...aside from family...only about 9 friends of the family came...this was really sad. Not even a co-worker. It really has me questioning the kind of person I must be if I am not important enough for anyone to show up at such a sad occasion to offer support. What really gets me is that (and I know I shouldn't compare this) I am always there for them...regardless if I need to take off from work, cancel plans...etc...I am always there. I try not to put expectations on friends like that, but it makes me feel

DSS, I can so relate to your feelings and frustrations though I also realize each of us is different and unique. I know that set backs are so frustrating and we feel like there is something wrong with us because we can't seem to control our illness. The one thing that is very important for us to remember is that it is an illness. It isn't a weekness or a temporary condition. It is an illness, and like a diabetic, we can have set backs even if we are doing everything we are supposed to do. It isn't just "in our head." Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone and that others are here to help you out. Our self-talk is so destructive! Challenge those thoughts you are having and make yourself prove those negative thoughts. You'll find you are unable to prove that you "never do anything right...can't control anything in your life...can't get out of this dark place...don't deserve peace and happiness..." or any of the negative thoughts you are having. Anyway, I've probably babbled enough, but if you want to talk more, just let me know. Kelly

Hey DSS, I know with me I tend to "put my head in the sand" so to speak. When I get down and I feel like there is no support I tend to hide. I think I do that anyways but I seem to do it more. Like I want to vanish. I wish I had a better answer for you. Something to shed light on things and give you that "Halleluliah" (sp?) moment but I can't give it to you because I haven't found it either. I know I am searching desperately...If I find anything to help I promise to share it with everyone! Take care of yourself and I hope things get better for you soon. Hang in there baby! ;p

Hey DSS im sorry your in a rut at the moment i truly wish i could help i understand your frustration with the whole therapy/meds/when am i going to feel better thing im sure everyone here can relate but that dosnt make it any easier to live through does it? What meds are you on if you dont mind me asking maybe you need to try something else be sure to speak with your psychiatrist about how you feel next time you go.Next time you feel down go for a walk to a park or do something else you enjoy dont hide inside away from it all that just feeds it and tell yourself you deserve to be happy make it happen you can do it!We are here for you every step of the way.Take care.Gabbi.

solace, Have you tried the worksheets and depression diary? By writing the dairy everyday you may be able to pinpoint the areas that need to be addressed. As per the worksheets, CBT is only effective when you do the homework. Worksheets help you track your homework exercises and CBT is a lot of work! As you move through the Depression Program the worksheets will change as you change. Make sure you give yourself time to do the homework properly - you know your depression best so it's really up to you to decide how often you do your homework. Take your time when you do your homework, there is no rush! Each session in the Depression Program is based on previous sessions, and if you track your mood with your Mood Tracker (and keep notes in the spaces provided) you'll see much improvement over the coming weeks. At the beginning of each session we give you a Weekly Review, which allows you to see how far you've progressed. We save your Weekly Review results in your Session Diary, so you will see a collection of results, which are all based on what you write in your worksheets. CBT is a lot of work but the good news is that if you follow the program it will all come together for you as you start to feel better. Please don't hesitate to contact us if you have any other questions or concerns. Josie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team.

I just cannot understand it...I go to therapy every 2 weeks, I see a psychiatrist for meds every month...I read...I try talking with friends and with all of this going on...I still have bad set backs. When is this going to get under control??????? I go to work...I am stressed all day...coming home, I try to let everything go and cannot. The mind is the old proverbial sponge, but instead of absorbing good things it keeps me pre-occupied with all of the issues and problems in my life. today for instance...I actually got to a point at work where if I didn't leave I would have had a major "break down." I don't even know why... I have this tightness in my chest I cannot seem to get rid of. It took a lot not to attack the co-workers that were agitating me (even for simply knocking on my door). When things get this bad it is time to bail. I just cannot stand it. I actually feel as though I am watching my life through another set of eyes...old eyes at that...everything foggy...voices and sounds jumbled...not really able to tell who is saying what...it is horrible. this is one of those days where I wish I could have slept through...but alas...I have to work. Even in my relationship...I would really like to be heard, but find that not to be so...case in point. My friend's child got hurt at our house yesterday...he fell off of his chair when his mother turned to answer a question. I found out today that he fractured his arm (he is only 18 months). Obviously, I was really upset about this. I called my partner and told him what happened and his response was, "well it wasn't your fault...you were not the one who was supposed to watch him." How insensitive of him. I know it wasn't my fault, but it happened in our home...how could I not feel badly about it. This is the type of "support" I usually get...or the quick change of subject when I start saying how badly my day is going or how I am feeling. It is as if he only wants to hear the good news. Even when I told him of the fracture...he asked if there was any good news. What does one do when the "support" you think you have really isn't there anymore??? I am so confused... These are the days when I really wish I didn't wake up. How sad is that... ok, enough whining...sorry to take so much t