Wow...this really was a good discussion. To throw in my 2cents...I think that alot of people start out that way. You start with a dark and incorrect view of yourself or your surroundings and with years of practice we all get very good at self criticisim which leads us into depression. Probably 80% of the thoughts that run thru my head are negative ones and often I will direct them at myself. It is really hard to see the negative thoughts and distortions if that is all you've ever known, which is why it is good to talk to a therapist or group because there are other people that can point out to you the distortions in your thoughts. It's strange how we can see others distorted thoughts but never our own. I guess that is something we have to learn to recognize, and correct.

Wow - this is a great discussion and I certainly enjoyed reading everyone's posts. I have never tried CBT but will admit that I have alot of trouble in seeing my negative thoughts as distortions. In fact, for the most part, I think my thoughts are true - BUT my reactions to them are what is out of line. In most arguments with my b/f, I do in fact feel that he is wrong and I am right - however, that shouldn't or doesn't give me the right to "punish" him for his wrongness. I end up yelling, or not speaking to him, or finding some other way of retaliating because I feel I'm justified. It ends up ruining alot potentially happy days and makes me feel stuck in a vicious cycle that I can't get out of. I think in some ways its okay to have negative thoughts if a person can learn to control their reactions to them. Hell if I've learned how to control mine so I'm not giving advice here - just putting another spin on the issue.

Hi: I think I understand what you are saying. I feel that no one calls me because they don't want to talk to me or interact with me. It's been nearly 2 years since most of my "friends" have called or stopped by despite several attempts on my part to interact with them. One friend, a former boss, has been good about keeping in touch but of the literally hundreds of people I know, he is the only one who has called. I suppose it is possible that not a single one of them has had a moment of time but I do believe, negative thought or not, that it is highly unlikely that is true. I am constantly reminded of the saying "Just because you are paranoid does not mean that someone is NOT out to get you". To me that simply says that just because I am being told that my thoughts are negative does not mean that they are not correct. I do believe that some of my "negative" thoughts are, in fact, incorrect but I also believe that there are a number of them which are correct. The question is, how do I learn to cope with that? That is what I am working on. It is so difficult to keep going each day when I feel like I am so alone but I am working hard at it. I hope I make it........

Dear WishingWell, You ARE unique, and that is a good thing. Everyone's path to depression is a little different, and of course we all react differently even tho some of our experiences may be similar. You are a very brave woman and I think I hear wisdom and strength in your words. I sometimes think now that I should walk myself into a hospital as I often feel like I could end it all. But my Dad had what they called a nervous breakdown back in the 60's when I was in high school. I remember being there with him the first night he checked himself in and it terrified me. He was in a locked ward (all "newbies" had to start in there) and there were really "crazy" people in there. I cried and cried for him and for my Mom, who was a total "brick" and strong for all of us while I know she was terrified inside. Anyway, it left such a strong mark on me that even now, 40 plus years later, I don't think I could voluntarily place myself in care even tho I feel I need it. I also need so much space around me and I need to be in nature as much as possible. So, also don't know why I'm rattling on except to say that checking yourself in was a brave and courageous thing to do. You have had an awful lot of trauma in your life; I think it would be amazing to come out of all that without any depression. It is so hard to think of you and your Mom trying to deal with the death of your brother - each having so many needs that weren't met. It all seems so complicated - this living thing! I think the more we just try to love and forgive, over and over, the better off we will be. My Mother did me so much damage without ever knowing it. I know she loved me dearly - but she wanted us all to be perfect. In her eyes perfection was a slender body, which I never had, nor did my sister, nor did my Dad. She got the message across to us that nobody but her would ever see our good qualities and love us unless we were slim. Unfortunately society, in it's worship of slimbess, reinforced those messages, and after all these years I just don't think I will ever be able to have normal self-esteem. That message just penetrated me and permeated every corner of my life and feelings of self worth. It went so far past body image - I dislike just about everything about me. But she got it

Ms Puck, I don't know if we are allowed or should share where we live, but Florida is pretty big state. I am home alone, my son is asleep and my husband is working so I have some peace for now. I thought maybe just maybe that I could write something besides how depressed and wrong my life is going. I really get sick of hearing myself sometimes. Since I don't include my family or parents, or one true friend with how I feel or what's been happening these last two months, I should be able to continue pretending to all that life is great. Basically, I have been going at this solo, from when I started taking meds to seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. I kind of feel at least in control of my depression in that sense, since I really have no control at all. Does that make any sense to anyone? I have been especially good at concealing everything, from hiding my meds to my journal writing that I share with my therapist. It feels sort of empowering to me to at least be able to control that. I know how my mother would react because of the first and last time I was hospitalized in 1993. She refused to come see me, but would always go see her neice with a similar hospitalization. I guess too painful to see me, but she was ok with seeing her neice. I have a few issues with my mother and I want to let go of them because she does love me as I do her, but life simply sucked as a child. When my brother was killed at age 18 in Vietnam, I was 9 years old and she went into a sea of depression and never would get proper help. As a result, life was extremely depressing growing up, and she couldn't be there for me as a mother. I endured many years of this and creepiness from my stepfather who she later divorced when I was 19 yrs old. I trusted the wrong person and was forced to do something against my will with devasting consequences. Numerous relationships and one previous marriage changed nothing for me. Then a mother's worst nightmare happened again and my older sister was brutually murdered by her own son in 1988. I held it together for awhile, but eventually in 1993 after having to quit my job of 12 years I finally broke and voluntarily went to the hospital. I am not sure why I am sharing all this personal information with you and others, but to be honest

Hi members, This is a great discussion here! It can be very helpful to share these types of experiences with members who truly understand. Casey __________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Hi Kelly and Wishingwell- Thank you for replying - and no, Kelly, I didn't think you were being flippant. I think that sometimes it's necessary to step back and look at what's going on and basically say "phooey (would say something else but aware of being 'nice') I'm just going to ignore this for a while" rather than go on and on and over and over the same ground and seeming to get nowhere. I get so sick and tired of even talking about all this sometimes, because it just doesn't seem to get me anywhere. And Wishingwell - it is so hard sometimes to keep going when everything looks so bleak. I find myself not trusting the psychiatrist and not trusting or being able to stop censoring myself around my therapist. And he is trustworthy I'm sure and if I censor myself around my therapist, how in the world do I expect her to help me. It's all so crazy. It just all seems like too much. I am reading a new book called "Creating Optimism" - it's quite good - says much the same stuff as is in this program but with a different twist here and there - twists that seem to appeal to me. Except they stress that it's important not to isolate and to find support groups and be with people. WHich is exactly where I DON'T want to be - I go nuts in groups and really just want to be by myself. I don't compare myself to anyone and come up short when I'm alone. I don't have to BE anything for anybody. But then, I am so lonely all the time because I am alone. So I want it both ways. See - I end up going in circles and wish I could just get off the merry-go-round. Love to both of you and keep your eyes on the prize - a good and fulfilling life that you both - and everyone here - deserves.

MsPuck, I hope you didn't think my comment about ignoring my negative thougts sounded flippant. It wasn't meant to. I know what you mean about thinking something is wrong because you don't feel better after a program is done. I think that some of us have chronic depression that is more chemical than mental, and this sometimes makes "cognitive" therapy a little less effective for us. Not that it doesn't work for a while, or that we don't learn some good techniques to help us get better faster, but I go up and down regardless of how much therapy I go through. We just need to keep up the work and support each other as much as possible. Kelly

Hi Ms Puck, I typed a reply to you, but before I could send it I touched the wrong key and it was all gone. Maybe it was best that it happened because on this forum I know they will edit your comments if they are too depressing or even think you may be suicidal. I know that when I saw my psychiatrist for the first time almost two weeks ago, I felt sort of angry that she made me feel guilty for even thinking about dying and said what about my son. Just what I needed. If I have to censor my thoughts and feelings then how can I release those "irrational" thoughts without acting on them. I want to be supportive and encouraging to everyone, but it just doesn't always work out like that. She increased Lexapro to 20 mg daily, plus prescribed Vistaril 25 mg and also Rozerem 8 mg for sleep, which she said is supposed to be non narcotic or addictive. I see her again this Friday as well as a psychologist for therapy. Each day I wake up and have to be around other people, even my own family, I can't wait to the evening, just to be left alone. My thoughts of despair are consuming me and this is what truly scares me. I just don't trust my own actions or impulses anymore. I can see from this support group that there are many of us out there who may have different circumstances that preceded are depression, but so similar feelings and thoughts which are painful. I hope for everyone's recovery to a better life. Take care, Wishingwell

THanks Kelly - it always helps to know that others are having the same difficulty. When I read that people actually "get better" doing a 16-week program like this, I wonder what's wrong with me. I've been in therapy for 3 years, have been to 2 different psychiatrists for meds and sometimes feel worse than I did when I started. So when I see a 16 week program that "works if you work it" (sounds like AA) I think it must be me. So maybe I'll try ignoring my negative thoughts and see how that works. Take good care of yourself, and thanks for replying.