Wishingwell thank you for your kind words you hit the nail on the head when you wrote about why people cut i know its an outlet for me and it does in a sick way make me feel some sort of relief when i have done it though i know its not the best thing for me to do i feel like its the only way to get my anger out but i have started a daily journal and i am hoping that writing things down helps me. Dont feel bad about being in the mental health profession and suffering depression thats the thing with depression it dosnt discriminate and now you know first hand how it feels which would make you all the more better to see about it.Thanks again for your support and im sorry that your hubby isnt treating you the way you deserve to be treated i wish i had an answer for you but i dont think im the best person to give advice about relationships when my own is the way it is just know that im here for you too.Gabbi.

Some parts of your story Gabbi I can totally relate to. Especially problems you are having with your husband. My husband is a recovering addict and alcoholic for over 13 years, but his behavior reverts back to how he acted while still using. My husband is a perfetionist and very critical, controlling and a poor communicator. We have one 8 year old son together and I have a hard time just with them both. It must be pretty tough on you for having 4 children and having to deal with your symptoms daily. One difference is that my husband does help with all the housework most of the time like laundry, dishes etc. But I would give all that up if he would just treat me kindly and with love and respect. He has anger problems as well and sometimes doesn't try to conceal his feelings in front of our son. I find myself getting so angry with him all the time, cursing him under my breath and at times I feel intense hate for him treating me this way. Then I hate myself for not being stronger to stop it all. He is not physically abusive, but definitely emotionally abusive infront of our son and verbally abusive by ourselves. I know a little about cutting yourself, not from personal experience, but from my work. You see I work in the mental health field. How crazy is that? I should know so much better than I do, but I still am suffering through this depression. My doctor told me not to feel ashammed because doctors get sick too. I feel like a failure in my profession because I can't seem to apply what I know and studied in college. I believe that most people who cut themselves do so to relieve intense anger they might feel either at someone who hurt them or at themselves. It is not a healthy way to cope, but I understand why someone does that. I'm not sure why but I think it serves as a mechanism for not having a way to deal with a situation they feel is out of their control. I know that when I write in my journal daily, it may not change anything, but it makes me aware of what and how I am feeling and gives me a way to express those inappropriate emotions without hurting myself. I hope you know that you are not alone.

Gabbi, Take it one step at a time. Are you going through the program? I know we have mentioned this is the past, but it is a great tool to help you through. Many members have advised of their progress. Try making a little list each day and accomplish things on the list. Always include "you time". Arrange play dates for the kids if necessary and realize you must take care of yourself first before anyone else. Let us know if we can help, Josie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team.

Thanks Josie it is so hard to get any relaxation time in my house by the time i get my kids to sleep of a night i do what other jobs need to be done then fall into bed exhausted i think i will have to change our routine so i can try somehow to get some me time i feel myself slipping into that awful place though i know i have a lot of stress around me at the moment i just feel im not handling it well and its starting to show again im not eating/ sleeping and im staying inside more not wanting to be social.Things with hubby have gotten worse again i dont know why i give him chance after chance could raising 4 kids alone possibly be any harder then living in this nightmare?What am i scared of?I am scared of getting that depressed again where i have suicidal thoughts and what would happen to my kids?I am a cutter and although i have not cut in a couple of months now im scared that i will start again just to make myself suffer because i created this mess that i am in and i feel myself getting angry at myself for letting it happen so i feel i need to punish myself and to do that i cut and i starve myself.I have maintained a weight of 115pds for 2.5 months now but for 2 days now i have eaten 2 low fat muffin bars and had a few cups of tea.I know i shouldnt but how do i stop trying to punish myself for the mess i created i say i created what i mean is i let this man walk all over me continually day after day.Thanks for letting me get that out i hope i will feel a bit better soon i dont want that ugly hole to open up for me again.Gabbi.

Gabbi, Have you tried relaxation techniques before bed? Try soothing baths, read a book, light stretches, hot drink. By relaxing your body, this will relax the mind and may keep dreams from being vivid and life like. Relaxation during the day can also ease your body and mind of excess stress. Let us know how you do, Josie ___________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice about how to stop the dreams/nightmares when i sleep.I have always had pretty vivid dreams for as long as i can remember but now they are just too much.I dont feel like i sleep well and sometimes i dont even want to go to sleep at all though i know i need a good solid sleep i just never feel like i get it with all that dreaming i do.I have a had a some shockers in where i witness 2 of my children being sexually abused and there are other children in the dream that i try and save but they still get hurt and i feel so helpess i have woken up hysterical crying and shaking.this has happenend a few times now and it always makes me feel sick to the stomach so if anyone has any advice on how to not dream please let me know.Gabbi.