Hi Kat,
I can identify with you completely. My depression also keeps on coming back, as soon as I stop taking my antidepressants. I know how frustrating and painful it is. It looks like I will have to take my meds for as long as I live to prevent future episodes, and it worries me. I am also in the same black hole as you right now. I know how painful and exhausting it is to pretend that everything is ok, because that is exactly what I am doing right now.Hang in there; it seems like this is a wonderful online community.
TK