I've had depression since 11 and had been receiving treatment since 20. I've responded best to medication, but I rarely, if ever feel "alive" or like I embrace life. Recently, I've been feeling depressed. Usually, I feel apathetic and bored. I just don't feel interested in anything it seems. I'm alive because my organs work and just don't know why I'm here. I've been seeing someone for just 4 months and although I'd told him about my depression, I don't think he'll be very tender with me when I need him to be (because of an experience last night). He tells me he loves me, but I don't feel it. I don't know if it's my screwed up perception or if it's a screwed up relationship. In the meantime, I don't know how honest to be with him about what I'm experiencing. I can be excellent at pretending that everything is fine, but I hate living like that. Yet who would want to be around someone who has no energy, zeal, whatever. So I feel I have to pretend.
I've just started using my lamp for seasonal depression, so it's possible I may feel better soon. But even if my suicidal thoughts stop, I'll still be feeling apatheic about everything. I don't know if I need to try different medication. I'm on a high dose of buproprion (wellbutrin) and it's hard to believe I'd be depressed while on meds.
Please share your thoughts (unless it's to advise me against using medication)
