i don't really know if i am stuck, or if i am depressed, or if i am happy.
all my life i have been told to control my feelings, or to 'think about how other people percieve you' as my mum put it so delicatley last night.
my past has not been good.
i was verbaly bullied by my father and at school, he hit me a couple of times before i had to move. I failed all of my exams because no-body realised i was dyslexic (i don't blame my english teacher because that subject was the only one i passed! (ironically enough)) i have had three deaths in my life, last yr. my 'step' grandad had brain cancer, adam my 2nd cousin (21) had lukemia and brenda, an old work collegue, committed suicide because she had never been loved. i think i had a nervous breakdown when my step-mother (not a relation to my step-grandad) announced she was pregnant, and was later told i was behaving like a spoilt kid, so i'm not really sure if it was a nervous breakdown or just plain old hysteria. later she had a miscarriage and i heard in an argument she blamed me. she also ruined my 18th bday by being sulky unless another relative was around like my gran because she liked to 'show grace'
another thing that happened was when i first moved up here i was sexually assulted, not all the way...but, i think...i don't know. that's the run-in of my life so far.
and if i am going to get diagnosed with depression on thursday there is a good chance i am going to get chucked out because i am not happy and 'serving' other people.
i think i don't know who i am. :quest:
