I am referred by the Stop Smoking Center. I am 73 days quit.
And am going through a hard depression. I also have a lot of
problems due to underemployment for the last 3 years. Every
month I get this super shot of stress that leaves me feeling
like I have nothing left to offer. I move the money around,
robbing peter to pay paul. All money goes for the basics like
rent, food, utilities, insurance....I never go out socially
because I can't afford it. I am stuck in my house all the time
trying to ride it out. I feel like there is nothing worth fighting
for in my life anymore except maintaining my smobriety. For
some reason remaining smoke free is the one thing I can feel
good about......because I am doing it. Therapy and meds are
out of the question: One because I cannot afford it, Two,
because the last time I let a doctor talk me into meds (which
didn't work anyway), I got this black mark on my medical
records and EVERY company denied me insurance. I fought
for months to get limited insurance again that I pay $300/mo
for And I am not going to chance it again. I am now
exercising to try and relieve my suffering. I am a fighter, and
I mean really a fighter. but lately I have just retreated to the
bathtub to cry and lament over how much I don't enjoy living
yet I wouldn't really want to put anyone through the trouble
of having to find my body and clean up my mess. But these
are thoughts that happen every day now. I feel like I used to
be a person that was valuable to society but not any more. I
don't have it in me to fight to figure it out much longer.
