Well, I had a good night's sleep.  And, I'll end this thread on a positive note.  Lack of sleep causes huge anxiety so, if you are anxious, just know that it's temporary and you'll feel better in the morning.  I am looking at the death of my puppy in a different way now.  She was sickly and was going to die no matter what I did.  So, I look at the good.  She came into my life at the perfect time.  She helped me get through my Mother's death and she was my other dog's best friend.  And, she too, received more love from me and my dog than anyone else could have loved her.  We belonged together for the short time she had on earth.  If I had known the outcome, I still would have chosen her.  I have no regrets.  She was an Angel on earth and now she is an Angel in heaven.  She's with my Mother and one day I will see them again.  What a happy day that will be.  Regarding my emotionally and verbally abusive ex.  I have changed over the past year and three months.  I am not the same.  It takes two people to live in dysfunction.  I communicate better and he is responding kinder.  I'm not saying it's going to be perfect but, it's where I'm supposed to be.  He is more compassionate because, of everything I have been through.  So, put the past behind, stand in the present and don't worry about the future.  We're all going to survive this crazy thing called life.

Are there any support group members who can help me?  

I drove 9 of the 12 hours back home.  Two hours after arriving, my puppy got sick and she died.  My other dog is depressed and sad and my anxiety is sky high.  I, also, found out a dear friend of mine died two weeks before my Mom.  I don't know how to handle any of this anymore.  I just keep going through and I pray the continuous barrage of painful experiences subsides and good things start to happen.  I'm waiting to see how my other dog and I adjust after we settle in.  If we're still not good, I'm thinking about adopting another tiny dog.  Are there any Health Educator's on here who can help me?

My two Chihuahuas and Dwarf Hamster and I have been in a hotel since yesterday.  The dogs are happy and running around which tells me the stress and negativity back at Dad's apt. was really bad.  Well, it's all about attitude.  What I've learned from the counselor and from two new friends is that I can't take responsibility for everyone and everything that happens in life.  My Dad is in good health and he has 20/20 vision.  He's a grown man and he can do what he wants.  Neighbors and workers will check in on him.  I can't stay in an abusive situation.  And, having said that, this will sound hypocritical.  My verbally and emotionally abusive ex is the "friend" I mentioned in the post below who is flying down and driving me back home.  I have no where to go.  My girlfriend said if things get bad with him, I can move in with her, but she has to clear out a bedroom used for storage.  Her son is a heroine addict and she's got her hands full.  And, that's a stressful environment to put me and my pets in.  All of us living in one room.  At least at my home, I've got a fenced half acre for the dogs.  And, I have the whole house to myself for 12 hours during weekdays while he's at work.  And, on the weekends he's doing yard work.  We lived like roommates before.  He lives upstairs and I live downstairs.  His contention is money.  I'm going to try to use my new communication skills to keep things okay.  And, stay in budget.  I've left four times over the past 16 years and I always end up back there.  Well, the positives are that everything is familiar and it's a quiet, peaceful town.  It's isolating and lonely but, the world is like that now with people being inward with technology.  I am learning to adapt.  I've, also, decided to get chickens.  It's on my bucket list.  So, I'll have things to do.  I've had a lot of people who have said, get a job and live on your own.  In the U.S. minimum wage is 7 to 8 dollars per hour.  I'd be on food stamps and living in a ghetto or in a halfway house.  That is not the life I choose to live.  I think I realize that life is what it is.  But, it's not a movie where you get everything you want or life is easy.  I'm doing the best I can and I'm not worrying about what anyone thinks.  I'm the only one who can live my life.  I just found out a dear friend passed away.  It's been a lot lately but, I'm focusing on today and I'm moving forward into the future.  All the hurts of the past are just thoughts that can pass right through my mind without me entertaining them.  It's hard with the hurtful things my Dad said, but I let them pass on through.  Soon, the thoughts will get quieter and quieter until they are silent.  And, I did not abandon my Dad.  He told me to leave.  I have to be aware of my thoughts and replace the negative ones with positive true statements and believe them.  I love my Dad, I forgive my Dad and I told him that.  I made peace with him before I left and he is responsible for his own thoughts and actions. 

Some really bad things happened.  My Dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to me.  I forgive him but, he severed his relationship with me.  I've locked myself in my room ever since.  I have a friend flying down to help me drive to Maryland this Friday afternoon.  I can't fix it with my Dad.  When Mom died, Dad took all of his anger out on me and blamed me for everything.  I can't take responsibility for his actions.  I can't live here any longer.  The Christian Counselor was teaching me to value myself, and set boundaries, and communicate with my Dad.  It didn't work.  Dad pushed me away and I feel like I've lost both parents.  I forgive him and I will leave him a note and ask him to forgive me.  I'm going to keep going and keep hope alive.

The last two days I barely survived.  The grief came in crashing waves because, of the loss of my Mother.  I don't think I can make it down here, for another six months, being alone and isolated, before Dad and I move to PA to be near family and friends.  It's hard for Dad and I to comfort each other because, we're both in the state of grief, if that makes sense.  Dad is stubborn and refuses to leave any earlier.  He told me I can leave.  I can't handle his anger and bad days, let alone my grief.  I don't want to abandon him.  But, my health, from stress is going down the tubes.  He is in good health and has 20/20 vision.  Because, I have a car, he never got one.  So, I drive him everywhere and he's an impatient passenger.  It's extremely stressful to be in the car with him.  He keeps telling me I should go back to my abusive ex and I can't do that.  It's hurtful and makes me mad that he would even suggest it.  I'm concerned, if I leave early, Dad will not get a place in PA and move in with his brother in NY.  And, I'll be abandoned and stuck with an abusive ex or end up in a homeless shelter.  I can't pretend things are alright anymore.  They're not.  I've tried going to various churches but, feel like I don't belong.  In Home Hospice was supportive when Mom was in their care.  But, now we're forgotten.  It's hard to keep trying when you continuously run into dead ends all of the time. 

So, I had a good cry and I didn't stuff my feelings which is necessary to keep from having anxiety and panic.  I prayed, I took a walk, I got a Starbucks coffee and I talked with an acquaintance.  And, I made small talk and engaged with others around me and we laughed and enjoyed the moment.  I feel God spoke to me this morning when I was quiet and still.  "You have to be open, like a child, and believe."  I added my thoughts to this statement afterward, "Like before you were told by people what you can and can't do.  And, before you learned to fear from parents, friends, family and life's experiences that shaped me."  After talking with God and my acquaintance, I will share what I/we discovered.  Be yourself and focus on yourself.  Be comfortable in your own skin.  Go out and do what you want to do in life.  And, you'll run into someone who is doing the same thing.  My acquaintance gives me hope.  If I can connect with this person, I can connect with others.  I don't have to change who I am for everyone else.  God made me who I am and I accept myself and that's all that matters.  Some people in the world see what they can get from you.  And, when you don't have it, they ditch you and move on.  But, there are still people like me out there and I will eventually run into them.  No one has the right to judge me and tell me that I'm too sensitive or whatever.  They can move on.  When you look for people, they run.  When you are focused on yourself and are living and enjoying your life, your light shines and you are a magnet to people.  I don't care what anyone thinks anymore.  I surrender to God and He's got this.  God is how I cope and I am not trying to push that on anyone.  I'm just giving insight into my background so, you can understand me better.

P.S.  I, also, have physical issues from stress.  I know the only way to get on the other side of everything is to face it head on and walk straight through it.  I hate being uncomfortable.  But, it's the only way through to the other side.  The only way to learn coping skills is to go through obstacles and not avoid them.  So here I go.  Sledge hammer in hand.  Breaking my way through the mountains.  It's exhausting, messy, totally not fun.  It's growth.  And, with growth comes growing pains...and great success.  Cheers to continuing the fight and not giving up.  It's not that I sit down.  It's how long it takes me to stand back up and fight.  I'm fighting for me.  And, I'm worth it.  When no one is there to encourage you.  You have to encourage yourself.  You have to rescue yourself.  No one can do it for you.   

Tough day.  I wish I could go home.  But, I know my brain wants me somewhere familiar so, it doesn't have to work so hard.  I've kind of been down since my last counseling session.  I thought I had come a long way from having past codependency.  But, she gave me information sheets on it.  So, I wrote down the solutions for what I needed to work on and disregarded the steps I've already achieved.  Next session, I face my biggest fear.  It's bigger than flying on an airplane for a total of 35 hours in ten days and staying in a foreign country where I didn't know the language.  I've had 54 years of ingrained habits.  I'm tired of working on myself all of the time.  I'm not doing well with my Mom's death and trying to talk to new friends on facebook or in person.  I appear needy and insecure.  It makes me want to only have relationships with friends and family who accept me and I can just be myself and not have to exchange stories and get to know each other.  I read articles to fix myself.  I just read if you stay in an abusive relationship (I did for 16 years) that your kids lose respect for you.  So, add more stuff I can't handle right now while going through grief.  Sorry to vent and complain.  I'm tired.  I haven't slept well in two days which causes anxiety.  And, I wish I could leave Florida tomorrow instead of in April 2017.  Sorry to be upset, I can't be 100% positive all of the time.  I'm human.  I know I should focus on how far I've come and give myself credit.  And, not worry so much what others think.  And, stop thinking until I get a good night's sleep.  And, know that tomorrow I will feel better.  This upset is temporary and it can't last forever.  Just like bad things can't last forever.  Good things are coming around the corner.  Just going to hang in there and keep moving forward.  Try to relax and give myself a break.  I tried to write what I would tell my best friend if she was going through what I'm going through.  So, that's what I'll do now.  Take a rest and self-care.  

A positive lesson from sad circumstances. When you lose someone you love, it changes you for forever.  You realize that family and friends are most important in life.  With that in mind, Dad and I decided to move to PA to be centrally located to friends and family.  And, now, I'm not concerned whether I will be single or not for the rest of my life.  I have a support network of people who love me.  Living in paradise means nothing if you don't have people, who you love, to share it.