Thank you so much for all your replies, it means a lot. I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond sooner.

Davit, you're so right about me being the only one stopping myself. I don't know what a life without anxiety is like, and I'm actually scared of letting go of it. Who am I without my anxiety? I have had moments like you've mentioned a couple of times, when your determination suddenly takes over and the fear doesn't stop you anymore because you actually want to do it. You're able to acknowledge the worry but still do it anyway and you feel so strong. I haven't had that moment again yet, hopefully soon. Things are certainly better than they were a year ago.

I know the problems you've had with doctors recently Red, so thank you. I remember when I spent the week in the psychiatric hospital, each morning was a struggle as I knew I would have to overcome the same anxieties again, and each day was a new beginning. The structured days helped a lot though, so I think I'll try to incorporate that into my day too especially in the morning. A class would be great, I'm Australian and it's a very cold winter this year so an excuse to get out of the house would be good- even if it means freezing! A painting, clay sculpture or acting class would give me something productive to do, like you said. :)

Hi Samantha, I've been using the Challenge Worksheet for a while and have found it useful. The progressive muscle relaxation helps me sleep too. My psychologist is making me talk about difficult topics, I'm surprised that she realised the things I don't talk about from our half a dozen sessions so far. It's hard to confront them, rather than avoid them and that brings my anxiety levels up.

Hugs, I'm sure your religious person wouldn't have realised how much of a difference his advice made for you, and that makes him even more special. It's sad that he's gone, but it sounds like he meant a lot to so many people.
As soon as I saw the picture for my avatar, I knew it would suit this site. I might write the quote on my whiteboard, which is on the wall opposite my bed, so I will see it every morning and every night.
Aw, I'm sure I'd do the same in the U.S.! I'd climb into the front seat on the right side, forgetting it's totally opposite haha. Or maybe I'll do the study abroad program in my final year of medicine (in 7 years time!) and see you guys. :)

Thank you all again,
Kaitie.

Hi kaitie995,  Samantha, Health Educator

Kaitie

All through high school, I had my life planned. I could see my future, a vision of myself working in a busy hospital, wearing blue scrubs and a white coat. Everything about the thought of being a doctor sent a jolt of excitement through my body. It was what I wanted more than anything.

Now when I think of my future, it's blank. There's nothing there for me. Even though I've been accepted into the Biomedical Science course at my local university, I'm considering not going at all next year when my gap year is over. I don't think I can ever be a doctor- I was holding on to false hope. What kind of doctor faints at the sight of blood anyway? And if I freaked out every time someone vomited, I'd be a mess (no pun intended).

I used to think that if I wanted it badly enough, I could get past all that. Several times people have told me that being a doctor may not be the best career choice for me, but they could see how much I wanted it. Maybe it was an unrealistic dream.

To make it worse, that isn't the only unrealistic dream I have. Another is to become an actor and have a role in a TV show or movie. I would love to move to the Gold Coast (a couple of hours away from my home town), the beach would be amazing and the atmosphere has a totally different feel there like the sea air makes everyone feel calmer.

At the moment, it all seems too far away. I can hardly leave the house, let alone go to uni. I'd love to have the freedom of my P plates so I can drive unsupervised, but without getting to my 100 hours of driving on my Learners I can't do that either.

Thinking about all this makes me sad. The majority of my friends have moved to Brisbane and are living independently. I'm happy for them all, but I can't help feeling left out. When I decided to defer my uni studies for the year while I focused on overcoming my anxiety, I felt like such a failure. It hurt so much that I put everything that reminded me of uni and high school in my top cupboard. Every single one of my high school report cards says how much of a conscientious student I am, and my visual arts teacher said I should continue my studies in that field because I have a natural talent.

It's a huge reminder of how far I've fallen. I can't imagine my life without the anxiety, and now I'm halfway through my gap year with only a little improvement. What if I'm not ready for uni when February comes?

My psychologist said at my last session that she refuses to let me not go to uni. It was a passing comment, but it terrified me. Going to university scares me because I'm agoraphobic, but at the end of the day what is even scarier is spending the rest of my life like that, which is unfortunately what I see for myself.

Kaitie.