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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Don´t know how to begin...

That's so funny... about the alcohol... you were both right. My inner addict mumbled something about "That must mean I can go ahead and drink." My inner wisdom was quite clear while saying, "No, it most certainly does not." I'm taking a month away from the Alcohol Help Center... but I'm also on day 3 of a commitment to go completely alcohol free for 30 days... thank you both for your concern and support on this. It's all good!

Ashley, thank you for taking the time to remind me how much I have already accomplished. I feel like I'm starting completely over from scratch. It is very hard to introduce myself to new folks. I don't want to talk about my history or who I am again, but realize ppl here don't know me and it is part of the process I guess. Getting over the anxiety of exposure... of meeting new people... of telling my story. I always avoid doing that in real life. And, as you know, on the forums I have a history of deleting my blogs... usually after posting something honest and important and then I get scared and make it go away. *sigh* I clearly have some work to do.............

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Invasive Thoughts

I'm so glad you asked this question Spartan. This is scary.

Sunny wrote:

Those invasive thoughts seem to fade after a month or two.

My first reaction to your statement, Sunny, was... "A MONTH OR TWO !!! You gotta be kidding me!" I was sort of picturing constant panic for two months. But then remembered the earlier post about balance in the day to day. Even if it really were like that (constant panic) it's a small price to pay to change my life around. It has taken 50+ years for all this fear to build up... so I'm changing my response internally to "A MONTH OR TWO !!! You gotta be kidding me... is that ALL?"

And then Loves Trees wrote:

... one of the first things that might happen is that you might realize how many distressing thoughts you actually have and THAT can end up being distressing (to realize how deep the anxiety is rooted).

This is already happening for me. I can't believe so much underlying negative noise in my brain. This afternoon, I had sort of a backwards realization. I was trying to relax, calm my mind, do the breathing. It took a good long while for quiet to come. When it finally did, I heard a thought that said "I love you". I was stunned. In two ways. I never tell myself that. And, I realized in that quiet moment that usually what is going through my head non-stop, is this repeating pattern of internal "white noise" which says over and over and over... I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I'm just blown away. I don't know what to make of this.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Invasive Thoughts

sorry... TMI...

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Invasive Thoughts

Thank you Davit... I'm headed to do the reading in a sec.

I had a problem with Ativan too. It was prescribed by my pdoc and I took it as I was supposed to. Only after 7 years did I find out how addictive it is and how it makes you crave alcohol. Getting off was awful. But I'm glad I finally found a doctor who recognized the danger for me. I'm sorry you had to deal with it too.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Invasive Thoughts

Thanks Tiana. I guess I was meditating... it just sort of happened when I sought to slow my thoughts. It happened again this morning without my really thinking about it. Today I noticed all the noises of the house which are ordinarily background noise I just don't notice. Three different clocks, ticking.... each with a different rhythm and sound; a faucet dripping, furnace clicking, pipes contracting, refrigerator humming, coffee pot gurgling..... All this noise going on day in and day out that I just automatically tune out. Got me to thinking about my thoughts. How many of them are relegated to automatic tune-out, yet are still there effecting everything I do?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Session 1 - How do you differentiate between emotion and thought?

I'm confused and keep having to go back to the beginning. I'm trying to figure out exactly where I started to get lost. I've read through the first three sessions, but this one thing keeps sending me back. I have been trying figure this out on my own because I think/feel that it is stupid to be stumped by the very first session. I don't know how to tell what I'm dealing with... is it a thought or an emotion. Trying to fill out the Anxious Thoughts Form and the very first question is Fear Level................ well, I'm feeling something really, really intense... definitely anxious and getting worse as I try to fill out the form and can't do it. And I feel nauseated and my stomach hurts and my throat aches. Is it fear? Is fear a thought or an emotion? I feel overwhelmed by life all of the sudden and not up to participating in the next two weeks. Is that fear or exhaustion. is exhaustion a though or a feeling. I really could use some direction here. Thank you!!!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Week Prep

everything about Christmas triggers me.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Session 1 - How do you differentiate between emotion and thought?

Yes... I guess stress about the holidays... I can talk about that some more in the other thread on dealing with the holidays.

Here, I just have more questions for you. Are ALL emotions triggered by thoughts? What about instinct? What about emotions that are triggered because of PTSD? Is there still always a thought (whether we are aware of it or not) that starts the whole process? Is that the whole theory of how CBT works?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Week Prep

How am I feeling triggered? What are the feelings/emotions?

It's hard to sort out exactly.

Of course, the most obvious is that holidays have been extremely sad, lonely affairs since our son died in Iraq. This year we are having some soldiers coming who served w/him. It is wonderful that they are willing to give of themselves this way, but I don't know if I can handle it just now. We have such a precarious balance going on here. I just don't know what to do. If I cancel... am I avoiding? Plus, for some reason I thought there was another two weeks before Christmas.... duh, I've got what? 5 days. 5 days to plan and clean and do my anxiety work and "be aware" of my emotions and feelings and thoughts when I'm not even sure which is which, plus stay away from alcohol and then we are supposed to go on a trip w/daughter and family over New Years (me who has trouble leaving my house!) and, and, and, and.................

Shoot, shoot, shoot.... I had started to calm down... OK, actually I was distracting myself (is that avoiding behavior?) took the dogs for a walk, did some laundry, answered some emails, read some blogs............. but now, talking about it, all the anxiety is back bigger than before. I do recognize that I am "catastrophizing", while wearing "fear goggles" and engaging in all or none thinking...................... but what do I DO about it?

I sure do wish I had already completed the whole program so I could handle this stuff, or better yet had never started ... then I could just avoid everything and use all my old coping mechanisms while being none the wiser.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 376

Don´t know how to begin...

Thank you Andie... I've already been helped so much by your postings. I'm kind of freaking out it a bit right now with the holidays and all, but if I remember to breath and keep reading, there is amazing wisdom and generosity here on this site. I'm so glad I don't have to do this on my own!

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