I am still feeling panicky and yes, it is related to work. I am finding it really hard to do actually do my job. I am a daycare worker and I am really not enjoying it that much anymore. I have realized what has changed during my career path. I used to assist and now I am kind of expected to take charge. I am struggling with that. A lot of the children are high needs kids and so you never know what they will do. I am always on edge. I am trying to figure out how to take my current skills and turn them into another kind of job where I am not in charge. I am wondering if I should train part time for some kind of admin type job? but then again that isn't predictable either. I want a predictable job, at least one that isn't so chaotic.
I am trying to challenge the negative thoughts. I am also recognizing that I have co-workers who I need to rely on. I am not the supervisor but I tend to take on too much.
I suppose I am now at a cross roads, unsure which way to go.
After many, many years of avoidance, denial etc. I have finally asked my doctor for help. I am starting medication for depression today. I think that is a sad success in a way.
I reached out, which is major for me. But I wish I didn't have to take medication. I know though, that I need too.
I am also going to a counsellor of sorts. I hope that works out as I rarely express much.
I took the meds and was terribly sick. I missed work today, feeling horrible, worrying about getting fired.
My doctor ignored my health concerns and talked me into need antidepressants. I still have an earache and my ear is muffled. Maybe that is why I am dizzy!
I think I have 2 health issues, one my ears and two my depression. I am off to see a brand new doctor on the 24th.
I haven't really had any panic attacks for many years. I do have anxiety attacks which are expected and predictable.
Sadly my panic attacks have returned. I am so disappointed. My sister has them every day and so maybe I subconsciously got them too? She calls me so much during the day and tells me all about them and asks me for help. It is such a struggle. I seem to give great advice to her that works but I seem unable to do the same for myself.
On the plus side I have found a few short courses online for depression. www.llttf.com/
It is a really good site.
I am also struggling with an overly stressful job. I am thinking of returning to university to upgrade and finish a degree. I have always been interested in helping other people so I am pondering social work but I am conflicted. Social work is stressful so I don't know if I can cope.
Basically, I am flip flopping between hope and despair.
I think my attacks were triggered by my sister's attacks. It made me wonder about symptoms etc. I think I need to keep a safer distance when it comes to my sisters issues while still being there for her.
I have not spoken to a counselor about social working. I probably should. I am sort of trying to figure out if I am running away from my current job to university where I won't have to work at a paid job. I am not worried about school work at all.
On the other hand I am excited about going to school. I like the idea of training so I can help other people. I also love the idea of getting away from my current situation.
I have to take time to make sure I am changing careers for the right reasons.
I think for my sister I have done a lot so I think I can just change the subject or just tell her to do the courses I suggested. She keeps on blaming the weather etc for her symptoms. I think she is having a hard time admitting that she has a mental health issue. Everyone in my family has one form or another so it isn't surprising.
As for my job, I have lost a lot of patience and passion for it. It is time for a change since I am getting so stressed out every time I work. Basically it is a family drop in centre that was supposed to be community oriented, but people just use it as free daycare for their kids that they don't want to look after. They are taking advantage of the service and are taking their kids in even when they are sick and should be at home. Our staff keeps getting sick because of it and we are so full of kids that it is getting too much for all of us to handle. I have spoken to one co-worker and she is training to, to get out of the industry because of stress.
It's just what I have done in the past. I run when I feel out of control etc. I don't mind the actual work with the children either so it may be just my environment.
I am looking into upgrading now in Special Needs Studies. That would mean studying part time through distance education. I just hope I can ignore the current work conditions, maybe don't take so much personally? I tend to be an all or nothing type of person so I guess what I need to do is relax and slowly start learning to not feel the need to control everything.
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