New and extremely confused
For me the tears flow all to often. Because of the horrible person I was when drinking, and the fact that my husband stayed by my side through it all. Cheating, he never kne when Id come home, I neglected my children, I was only concerned, even when I first started going to the bars, that was where my drinking problem began, I only thought of my pleasure and not what how my actions were inflicting so much pain on the people I love the most. My husband is a rock. I know almost everyone believes their spouse is perfect, but mine is as close to perfect I think a person can be. Everyone who knows him would tell you the same thing. People may like,love or hate him, but everyone respects him. He is 9 years younger than I am, and I know part of my feelings are insercurity. He is a great man, but does not have one romantic bone in his body. I have no doubt in my mind how much he loves and cares for me, but it frustrates me when I see other couples showing affection.
Im kind of geting off the subject though because there is such a long history. One major thing I think i should state, which although neither myself nor my husband believe is of much importance, but others take it differently at times is that my husband is my ex-husbands nephew. Which in a family as large as theirs, has happened before.
I am proud of my sobriety. I overcame drinking when everyone around me made it a point to tell me I'd never quit. Because, even though my husband never brings up anything I di while drinking, I still know what I did and he knows some. After being diagnosed with bipolar, for the first 2 or 3 years it was tough, because it takes time to get the right combination of medications that work.
For the last 11 years I havent been able to keep a job, and for the last 3 years have had some medical difficulties. I get frustrated and depressed because I cannot contribute enough, so the fact that, to me at least, I am basically useless, which leads me to believe I have no right to complain about anything. I get everything i need and want, physically and materially. I just cannot find any way to communicate to my husband that I need a bit more emotionally. Just a bit. He is the type of person that doesnt say anything, like compliment or say good job, whatever, when it is. But when it isnt is when he speaks up.
He has an unique view of what he calls common sense. He was promoted in January to the top position in his company there is behind only the owner. Now even his boss, and all the other employees tell him that what he has is not common sense. His boss calls it extraordinary sense, or now "Calvin" sense. Because he is the only one like that and so it has become a joke at work. But he is always saying everything is common sense and has no patience.
I do se a psychaitrist every month or so for medication management. I have been trying to find a counselor, therapist, or psychologist, but my insurance only covers 20 visits a year for mental health.
I do not know how to convey how I feel without it coming out as selfish or self centered. I've thought of possibly seeing a marriage counselor but have been running into walls because my husband and I have different insurance companies. I find one that takes mine but not his and vise versa.
Any suggestions?
