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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

Hi, Brand new, looking for hope

Hi,

A little about me, I'm 42, have a 21 year old daughter. Got remarried in Aug. 09 to a very loving man.

In 2004 my 13 year (8 years married) relationship ended, ex cheated on me. I also had a difficult teenager to deal with, and was not liking my job. In 2006, like a ton of bricks fell on me, I started feeling horrible. Was diagnosed with acute major depression with massive anxiety. I have been taking Effexor XR until about a month ago, when i decided I wanted to get rid of the meds.

While meds made me feel a bit better, I still wasn't 100%, had very vivid dreams (so much I'd wake up tired), memory & concentration problems, and sluggish.

The first few weeks after taking the last dose, physical withdrawals were very disturbing, now I'm emotionally a wreck. I feel angry, sad, hopeless, very easily irritated & ready to blow, etc. I really don't want to go back to the meds. I'm taking a few natural supplements like tyrosine, complex b vitamin, relora.. and have a bunch more but not sure what I can take together with what.. would be nice if someone could help me with that.

But I'm also hoping someone can tell me whether my emotional upheaval of the last few weeks, is due to the withdrawals, or has the depression simply returned?

Any word of advice would be much appreciated. Right now my mood is stable, but the smallest trigger sends me either raging or crying with despair. The last week or more, I really feel like I've been cursed. You know when you are having a bad, bad day and feel everything is going wrong? Well I have bad day after bad day after bad day. I just went to a depression forum, but all the posts were extremely depressing, I figured might not be the best place for me. This place at least, has some 'positive' sections I can check out, like success stories, PLUS it seems there are some health advisors here that can actuall offer positive advice. That is what I really need.

Hope I didn't lose anyone with my long post. I thank you in advance, I really hope this website is as promising as it seems.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

Hi, Brand new, looking for hope

Thanks you, m & Ashley (sorry couldn't find how to do the little doo-dad before the m) ;). I appreciate that you took the time to reply. And thanks Ashley for the compliment ;).

I'd like to know more about all this, where it comes from, why some people suffer from it and others don't, what works and what doesn't.

Most of my family seem to be in the same boat. I'm the only one who has been diagnosed, maybe my father too not sure (our relationship is .. eeehh.. weak) lol.

I know people that seem like nothing ever affects them! My husband has this totally stable mood, so does his mother, and brothers as far as I know. It kind of 'pisses me off' sorry for the language, that we have to struggle like this, and it is such a misunderstood ailment.

My thoughts on trying to find another way to describe what is happening besides a curse? I really don't know, to be totally honest with you. I read that the more positive you think, the more good things will happen. And that the opposite is also true. I have been trying to fight the negative thoughts but it doesn't seem to be working for me. I don't know how else to explain what is going on.

I hope I won't have to go back on the meds, and if so, I wonder if there is one out there that can work 100%. Researching the net can sometimes be a negative experience, there are so many people that seem unable to get better, makes you wonder if it's the ones that don't take meds, or if there are some people for whom meds just don't work.. scary thought for me :\

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

My little bit of positive ..

Right now I'm going through a rough patch, as I'm weaning myself off anti-depressants. Took my last dose a bit over a month ago.

But for those who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and wonder if anti-depressants can make a difference, well I'm here to tell you that they do. Placebo effect? Bull ****.

In 2004 I was diagnosed with Major acute depression and massive anxiety. No way in a 100 years I thought a little pill could get me out of there. But they did. I only had to try 2, the first one took me to hell and back, and the 2nd one, lo and behold, got me to where I needed to be.

The proof is in the pudding, I quit a month ago, because I felt I was doing good enough that I didn't need meds anymore. I'm still trying to figure that one out lol.. but if I see that after a while my mood does not improve, then I'll have to give in and admit that I need them. Bottom line is, don't feel like there is no solution, there is. Might not be what we want, but it is nonetheless. I certainly wish someone could have emphasized this when I was first diagnosed, it would have been encouraging.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

Hi, Brand new, looking for hope

So you won't let me off so easy huh? lol.. Actually I like that. So a more empowering way I could look at it. Well, maybe when I'm feeling down, I tend to feel like a victim, and since there is no one to blame, I guess you could say I need to attribute it to something, even if it's abstract. Maybe when I'm feeling down also, something that might not affect me on a good day, will seem like a big thing on a bad one. Maybe it's bad karma - if you believe in that stuff :\ I sure hope not lol. That's the best I can come up with right now. I'm a bit superstitious too, I'm always afraid that if something goes well, and come to realize it or mention it, that I'm gonna jinx it. Also that if I feel happy, something is going to happen to balance things out :(. How did I do :\

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

Hi, Brand new, looking for hope

Hi m, ride my coattails all you want, I don't mind the company ;).

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

Is this caused by depression? Will it go away if the depression goes away?

I weaned off my AD a month ago, (Effexor XR 150 for 4 years), and I can't seem to feel happy, because I keep asking what is the point, ultimately. You know, the meaning of life. Why is that nagging thought always on the back of my mind, making me spiral into despair? !! I can't enjoy the little things, I analyze and think too much :( I think those thoughts were with me while I was on on AD anyway, but I don't think they were as constant. Funny how my memory fails me.

I'm almost thinking of going back to the meds, I was resisting it soooo bad, but I don't know if the bad feelings and thoughts are just part of withdrawals, and will go away, or am I relapsing.

Your thoughts would be much appreciated peeps.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

Is this caused by depression? Will it go away if the depression goes away?

Hi m, thanks for sharing. A bit scary to me that you still had those thoughts while on meds? Those are the thoughts that send me spiralling :(. I'm trying to remember for sure if I had them while on ADs.

To answer your questions, I don't have much faith in doctors. This is the third one I've had since it all began less than 4 years ago. The last one didn't even bother sending a note or nothing. I called for an appt and was told he was gone, there would be another doctor taking his place in a bit over a month. I went to see her, she seems soooo young, and not very thorough, but I dunno.

Why did I wean myself off? A few reasons. Side effects such as vivid dreams, waking up exhausted in the morning lol, affecting my memory and focus, and at some point it didn't seem to work as good but.. and I guess the most important part, I must have felt good enough to risk trying without the meds!

And whether I tried different meds, I first started with I think it was Celexa, it turned me inside out, and I also took some anxiety meds when I first started to take off the edge. I still take Clonazepam once in a while when needed. And zopiclone for sleep also when needed, very seldom.

They tried to add Wellbutrin to my Effexor, but I didn't react good to it. It was to help with the anxiety.

I don't know what triggers those thoughts, and sometimes wonder why I'm the only one in the world to even wonder and worry about it, why is the rest of the world 'blissfully' not even thinking about it lol. That's scary. What is wrong with me, why do 'I' think about it.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

why is the text all pushed to the right when I browse the threads?

Sorry I couldn't find where else to ask :\ When I browse a thread, all the text seems to be pushed to one side, in a narrow column & I have to scroll down and scroll down to read the whole thing.. anybody know how to fix this? tks

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

Hi, Brand new, looking for hope

Hi Tiana,

Thanks so much for your reply. I try not to give in to the negative, but it seems like when I'm feeling down, I don't even know why, I just feel down and the thoughts are gnawing at me.

I am reconsidering the meds thing. I still have a prescription from my old doctor, for 37.5 & 75 mg, he had prescribed when I first thought of weaning off, I might start on the 37.5 again. My current doctor (whom I've met once, she's just out of med school and very carefree) does not know I weaned off. There were no doctors when I needed one, and I had to wean off the meds by myself after my doctor left and before the new one arrived. (I had run out of prescriptions).

I have been trying to read nothing but negative stuff, and even when my mood seems to be improving, there is always a nagging thought in the back of my mind bringing it down.

There are all kinds of positives in my life. I guess the one I can focus on now to help me through, is the way my husband makes me feel. I think of him and it's something positive. I just can't seem to enjoy anything for long, as this nagging black cloud is just hanging over my head ready to jump in unannounced. That's the best way how I can explain it. And it makes me feel sick and anxious in the pit of my stomach. Today I played golf on the wii with my husband and a friend, and had fun, relatively speaking. But tonight my hubby wants to go visit some friends, and I don't feel like going out. I feel it's too much.

Weird huh?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 33

Hi, Brand new, looking for hope

Hi, Thanks Tiana again for your reply,

I think you're right. About taking medication. I feel like it's beyond me. Beyond my control. I just can't seem to feel 'giddy', and I have been able to in the past. Why would it be that when I felt good, the subject of 'meaning of life' didn't bring me down, but now it does.. the only thing I can think of, is that there is something missing in my brain, therefore physiologically, not psychologically, that needs to be treated. I didn't, and still don't, want to believe that I might need to be on meds for the rest of my life, that is a hard thing to accept. I never had to before, so why now, that I'm 42!

Anyway I am seriously considering going back on, but trying at a lower dose at first, I have a prescription for 60x 37.5 mg. If I see an improvement I'll remain there, if not I'll increase to 75 mg for another 60 days. And so on.

No I haven't tried the programs yet, I've been having internet problems. I will check it out though. I'm a little scared, because to be frank, I'm scared that if it doesn't work, it spells another failed attempt for me to get better. Fear of failure is one of my caveats unfortunately :(.

I appreciate the positive vibe in this forum.

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