Hello

I started reading the support group a couple months ago and registered about a week ago. Took me a while to work up the courage to start the program, and even more to post. Most of the last year has been filled with personal trauma for me and my dr. put me on meds about 4 months ago. Quit the meds a few days ago because they made me worse. It's all profoundly interfering with my job and family (don't know if it's the depression or the meds or both). Faced my fear today and set up an appt with a psychologist. Started my first session diary and cried all the way through it. I've decided that I can't "fake it til I make it" anymore. I know that what doesn't kill me can only make me stronger and as difficult as it is, and as terrified as I am to face my illness, I am ready. Good luck to us all.

Hi

Hello all...I'm new here too and just wanted to add that I totally agree that this is the first time I feel connected to people who "get it". I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, just having trouble finding it right now. At least we can all feel good about taking the first step towards making ourselves well. :)

Help

Hi Rose, my heart goes out to you. I don't suffer from panic attacks but my mother does. She was diagnosed about 20 years ago and she too had some nightmarish experiences with medication. I'm not a doctor by any means, but the medication that turned my mom's life around was Rivotril, maybe you should ask your doctor about it. She's been on it ever since and it has given her life back. She still has her rough times but hasn't had a real panic attack since the Rivotril. You may want to consider alternative therapies as well like bio-feedback, accupuncture, diet & nutrition, yoga - just keep trying until you find what works for you. Hang in there - after all, you've taken the most difficult step already - asking for help. Do something nice for yourself today, you deserve it. :)

Taking time off work??

I've been considering taking short term disability leave from work because my depression has gotten to the point where it's taking over my life. It's affected my work in a big way (absences, lates, can't concentrate or get anything done) and it's created some problems with co-workers. They don't know what's going on, but my manager knows a little about my situation and has been very understanding. But I have so much anxiety about going to work every day because I feel soooo bad when I'm late or gone or behind in my work that it just feeds the feeling that I'm a loser. Not to mention that I make my daughter late for school every day because I just can't get my butt out of bed. She gets in trouble for being late and that really makes me feel like a failure as a mom. How do I know when it's time to say "I just can't do all of this anymore"? I'm worried about the effect it would have on my job and the stigma attached to "letting the cat out of the bag"(and becoming the latest office gossip). And I'm worried that I would feel even worse, like I have allowed depression ruin my life or that I have given up. Or that people would start asking a bunch of questions that I can't bear to answer. I just want to be alone for a while. Ugh.

feeling so low

Hi Moody I know what you mean. I haven't had a real friend in years, surely because I isolate myself because I'm terrified that people will see the real me and won't want to be around me. I don't even want to be around me. I know that being isolated just makes me feel worse but it's been so long I don't think I even know how to make friends anymore. Trusting people is hard for me. What is your relationship like with the people you went out with? Are they close enough that you could be honest with them, let them know that you'd like to go out with them but just aren't up to it? They might surprise you and become a source of support... I've been trying to be more honest with the people around me, not hiding my faults or problems so much and a couple of times I've been surprised at how non-judgemental they have been. Perhaps our fears of rejection make us assume that no one could possibly like us when that really isn't true. I mean, all the people there is in the world and not one of them could like us or accept us? Doesn't seem statistically possible. Like they say, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. Maybe we should work on learning to like ourselves before we worry about other people liking us.

Taking time off work??

Thanks so much to everyone for the support and input. I'm trying to work up the courage to talk to my manager and see what we can work out. I'm scared that I won't be able to get through the conversation without panicking and breaking down, but hey, if that's what happens then I guess she'll know I'm really telling the truth. I suppose it can't be any worse than everyone looking at me weird and wondering why I'm so "out of it" lately. Part of the problem is that I'm in the middle of an ugly court case with my ex and with another court date coming up next week, my anxiety is building. Had a meeting today regarding the court proceedings that made me realize how much of a drain the whole situation is on me (and my family - and how can I take care of my family if I can't take care of me?) Another part of the problem is that I quit my meds (they made me worse) and the withdrawals are awful. Trying to hide that at work is stressful too. Just tired of trying to hide everything from everyone and I'm sure that pretending to be ok is not going to help make me better. Wow, just realized that I'm shaking like a leaf just typing this, I can just imagine how nervous I'll be when I talk to my manager. But as they say, nothing worth doing is ever easy...

Emotions

Hi Gabs, Although our situations may be different, I see a lot of similarities between your situation and mine. A husband that doesn't get it, possibly even adds to the problem (I left mine 5 years ago. My only regret is that I didn't leave him sooner). Sounds like your husband is a better person than mine was though, maybe he doesn't know how to deal with your illness so he avoids it? But to blame you for his non-existant depression is despicable. You need support right now, not criticism. I think counselling would be a good idea and if he's a good man he will be willing to give it a try. After all, if he feels that your illness is affecting him in a negative way then perhaps he would benefit from the counselling too. Good for you for being open and honest with your kids. I've also always been the "strong" one in the family. My kids call me the glue that holds us together. That's a lot of pressure for a person who feels like they can barely keep it together day to day. I've only recently begun to be honest with them about how I'm feeling and they've been very sweet and understanding. I think it has brought us closer together in many ways. I'm struggling with my anger right now too - mostly directed at my ex but it spills over into everything else in my life. It's scary when that anger takes over - but anger is a valid emotion and you have a right to your emotions, even the negative ones. It's how we deal with the emotions that makes the difference. My counsellor suggested having something handy to beat up or break when the anger explodes - like beating cardboard boxes with a golf club or breaking cheap dishes. Sometimes I go to the driving range and imagine that the ball is my ex. I can really drive the ball that way, and I don't even golf! ;p Sounds like you are taking some real steps towards acknowledging your true feelings and expressing who you really are. Fabulous! Be yourself and whoever doesn't appreciate the real you isn't worth your time anyway. Take care

Taking time off work??

I have rehearsed the conversation with my manager a few times and I think that part will be ok once I get past the initial panic. I saw my psychologist yesterday and she agreed that I should take time off. I suggested 4-6 weeks and she said I was kidding myself and to take the maximum time allowed by my benefits (4-6 months). Felt good that someone finally takes me seriously. I'm going to be seeing her once a week. So I went to my doctor today because she has to be the one to sign off on the disability forms. She shut me down right off the bat saying that "time off is not a treatment plan". I tried to explain to her that I can't function on a day to day basis and have chosen counselling over medication but I don't think she got it. She wants a letter from my psychologist before approving the forms. I know quitting meds cold turkey is never recommended but when I almost started screaming at someone at work (not like me AT ALL) and then hated myself so much for it. I figured that taking the medication was more of a risk than stopping it. Unfortunately I couldn't get in to see my doctor right away. The withdrawals are awful but better than being so overcome with anxiety and self-hatred. I'm feeling a bit better today since I've decided to take time off and really commit to taking care of myself and not letting depression ruin the rest of my life.

How long do Paxil withdrawals last?

Anyone have experience with Paxil (generic) withdrawals? I stopped taking it about a week ago - yes, cold turkey and yes, I know that's not recommended. I know there are risks associated with stopping suddenly but they made me worse instead of better and when I got to the point that I almost melted down at work and had the urge to stab myself (and I was not suicidal before), I figured the risks of staying on them were worse than the risks of stopping them. And I couldn't get in to see my doctor right away. Anyhoo, for the last week I have run the whole range of nausea, sweats, headaches, "brain zaps" which are the worst, face numbness, paranoia, anxiety, crying fits, irritability, sleep disturbances...I could go on... It's getting a little better each day, but how long will this go on for? My psychologist explained to me that there are different types of depression - medical and psychological. Medical depression responds well to medication, psychological doesn't. Meaning that if the source of the depression is the misfunction of neurotransmitters, the medication works. If the source is trauma, self-esteem, poor coping strategies, etc then psychotherapy tends to work better than meds. She also explained that if the meds increase your energy before they elevate your mood, you end up more anxious. I think that's where I was. The source of my depression is psychological so I refuse to take any more meds but I will continue this group and will see my counsellor every week and see my doctor regularily. I wanted to clarify that because I believe that sometimes meds are necessary, and some people's lives haved been saved by them. So I'm not advocating that everyone should stop their meds and there is certainly nothing wrong with taking them, and if anyone tells you otherwise, tell them to stick it. We do what we have to in order to make ourselves healthy again. In my case, I need to face my past in order to enjoy the present. And to do that I need to know what I'm feeling, not what the meds are making me feel. If anyone can tell me when the withdrawals will subside that would be great. I'm looking forward to feeling like my "normal" depressed self again.

Help

I stand corrected - I talked to my mom yesterday and she has had panic attacks after the Rivotril although infrequently and not as severe. She told me that her dr. gave her Atavan (sp?) for emergencies or when she knows she's going to be in a really stressful situation. I guess the Atavan can be addictive so she can only take it very occasionally (like going to the dentist, a funeral, that kind of thing).