Isilzha veni's introduction

Ive had depression for a long time. When I was 11 I wrote in my diary about my desire to commit suicide. Now Im in my early 30s and have been in treatment for my depression for about 10 years. Ive been through many psychiatrists, meds and therapists over the years. My first med was zoloft and Ive been on many different SSRIs. However, Ive always had severe side effects and now refuse to take that class of anti-depressant. I do take bupropion. I toletate it very well and while it hasnt completely lifted my depression it has kept me from the extreme lows where Id sleep 12-15 hours, refuse to get out of bed, cry all the time, cut myself, etc. I did eventually find a great therapist who Ive been seeing for almost 3 years. Besides the depression she has been treating me for anxiety, social phobia and an extreme medical phobia. Confronting the medical phobia has been very difficult, but I can proudly announce that just this week I had my first physical as an adult and had a blood draw for the first time in my life. I could never have done it without her. Unfortantely she no longer accepts insurance and the cost to see her has increased from a $30 co-pay to $100 a session (thats lower than her normal fee too). As for my user name: Isilzha veni. Im a HUGE fan of the sci-fi series Babylon 5. The phrase come from Minbari and means: the future comes or for the future; so I thought using it at this site would serve as a reminder as to why I am here. "The Universe puts us in places where we can learn. They are never easy places, but they are right. Wherever we are, it's the right place .. and the right time. Pain that sometimes comes is part of the process of constantly being born." -- Delenn to Sheridan in Babylon 5:"A Distant Star" "The future is always changing. We create the future: with our words, our deeds and with our beliefs. -- Lady Ladira to Sinclair in Babylon 5:"Signs and Portents" "The past tempts us, the present confuses us, and the future frightens us. And our lives slip away, moment by moment, lost in that vast terrible inbetween. But there is still time to seize that one last fragile moment. To choose something better, to make a difference, as you say. And I intend to do just that. -- Centauri Emperor and Sheridan in Bab

wellbutrin and seizures

I know Wellbutrin has a lower seizure threshold than most other meds and there are certain criteria which make some people more prone to having a seizure than others. However, I've been taking Wellbutrin (bupropion, at 450mg/day) for years now (5 years at least) and have never had a seizure. Recently my pdoc raised the dose to 500mg/day and wants to eventually increase it to 600mg/day. Bupropion is the only med I take; personally I can't stand the SSRIs' side-effects. The med search can be frustrating...I've been on at least 9 other meds besides buproprion...sometimes only taking one, sometimes in combination. Bupriopion is the only med that has helped control my depression while manifesting very few side effects. The only negative side effect I experience is dry mouth; I've also lost over 10 lbs since increasing my dosage 50/mg....I like that side effect! Good luck in your med search. Isil'zha veni

Xanax

I had a Rx for xanax once and while it helped relieve anxiety I didn't like the side-effects. It made me see double. I couldn't focus on anything...read, watch TV, use the computer, nada. Isil'zha veni

Effexor & My side effects

I took effexor for about 9 months and hated it. I kept having these feelings of electrical surges run through my body. When I told my pdoc he didn't believe it was the effexor and wanted me to see a neurologist. He also wanted to take me off of wellbutrin even though I had been taking it for years without any problems. I told him I had done some research on the net and found out many other people had experienced the weird electric surge or shock feelings while taking effexor. He still didn't believe it was the effexor. Anyway, I took myself off effexor (it was a PAIN to get off of too...it really had to decrease my dosage in small amounts, for a very long time), kept the wellbutrin, didn't see a neurologist and found a different pdoc. Since stopping the effexor I haven't had any of those odd feelings. Anyone else have those feelings?

This New Forum

Conquering a medical phobia For the past 6 months my therapist and I have concentrated almost exlusively on tackling my phobia of medical procedures, doctors, needles, etc. I was a long, difficult process, but last week I saw a doctor--had a gynecological exam, a tetanus shot and my first blood draw. Now I KNOW I do have hypothyroidism, but otherwise healthy! I've wanted to know that for a long time (and so have my psychiatrists). I'll be starting the meds soon and I'm wonding how much of an effect it will have on my depression. This phobia has contributed to my depression because I loathed myself for my cowardice, obsessively worried every day about my health and had tremendous anxiety about trying to go to a doctor. In an attempt to avoid that anxiety I'd try to distract myself with novels, computer games, surfing the net, tv--none of which is productive. Then I'd hate myself for not getting more done during the day. It is hard to describe how I feel now I've faced my phobia. I'm proud of myself, a little stunned I'm through it, and most of my anxiety is gone. I also feel as if the part of my brain that was devoted to obsessing about it is now quiet...empty...and free. It is a very odd feeling. Isil'zha veni

Thyroiditis and depression

I just found out I have hypothyroidism. Most of my pdocs have wanted to have my thyroid function checked for years, but I couldn't because my medical phobia kept me from getting a blood draw (see success stories for more about that). I'm going to be starting meds for it soon (levoxyl) and am wondering how much this will help my depression. When you started meds did it help your depression? Just a weird thought--if it affects dopamine it could explain why I've had success with bupropion over SSRI's. Hmmmm. Isil'zha veni

How do i change.

How to change your way of thinking/feeling? I believe in CBT...analyze your thinking and realize there can be alternative interpretations; trying different behaviors and realize behavior isn't static. For myself change has come slowly though sometimes I've had some leaps of success. Again, speaking only of my experience, I struggled to come to terms with perfectionism and control--to realize neither is a reasonable goal, nor can I change that reality. There was an ever present dialogue of self-criticism in my head. Something my therapist said to me really helped me decrease those thoughts: 'Does expending the energy and thought in criticizing yourself (for not being perfect, for 'failures', etc) really accomplish anything? Does it help you achieve that perfection you expect of yourself? Does it make you a better person? Does it give you more control? Does it make you less depressed? Does it give you a sense of contentment and happiness?' Of course the honest answer is those thoughts were part of the cycle of my depression, that most of the thoughts I had were just false, others greatly exaggerated. Now, if find myself starting that critical dialogue I remember what she said to me and it almost always stops. That was a huge change in my thinking. But before I really understood I had kept a thought diary very similar to the one on this site. I had to know on conscious level what I was thinking and to actively challenge those thoughts. As for what others may think... I try to remember other people are almost always too preoccupied with themselves to think too much about me. Also depression makes 'simple' things difficult. I've been so depressed getting out of bed was a huge challenge. Did I do my therapy assignment? Did I do one load of laundry? Did I clean the bathroom? Did I leave the house 1 time this week, 2 times, 3 times? No matter how insignificant it may seem to someone else, if something is a challenge for me and I did it, it's an accomplishment.

3rd Psychiatrist - New Medication (Antipsychotic)

I don't think your experience is uncommon, but even knowing that doesn't make it less frustrating. Finding the right psychiatrist, therapist and meds can be challenging. Sometimes having a therapist and a psychiatrist who can work together can help. A therapist who sees you on a regualr basis can get a better sense of what is really going on and can observe changes in your behavior which, in turn, can help a psychiatrist determine more accurately what meds might be most effective for you. It really sounds as if going to Austrailia for xmas was very important to you and something you were looking forward to doing. I would like to ask why you feel you should postpone your trip? Isil'zha veni

JUST TO INTRODUCE MYSELF

Welcome As Kendy stated...it can take a while for others to respond. I hope you find the help you want and need here. From my own experience CBT can be very effective. Although this site is a great concept, I do find some features difficult to navigate. For example, the topic icons have no tags and I'm not really sure how they are meant to be used. However, just by exploring the site you'll figure most things out. Don't be shy about posting...I'd like to see things pick up here. Good Luck Isil'zha veni

Im new

Welcome If you're comfortable sharing I'd like to know more about you and your experience with depression. Isil'zha veni