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Posts created by KT

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

Thank you.

Davit took the words right out of my mouth. Nothing has helped more than knowing the people here want to help themselves and others, and don't want to prey on the fears that can make one feel desperate and alone.

And thank you, Davit. Your compassion is really inspiring.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

Can´t sleep... again

You know, you really have touched on something so true there, Davit. I am most definitely afraid of tomorrow coming sooner. For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded approaching commitment (school, work, an early day that I would never choose as a die-hard night owl), so much so that I often avoid doing ANYTHING in the hours/minutes leading up to whatever the "have to" situation is. I used to work for a retail company that used "on call shifts" where I would have to call in an hour beforehand, often to find out if I was needed to work a nine hour shift (I think we can probably agree that is just a little ridiculous), or if I had a full day off. I remember I would be weeping on the phone waiting for an answer. When I worked nights it meant that my entire day was spent sitting on the couch, eating, taking little naps, watching TV, and relishing the time I had saved for myself to be commitment-free. Of course, this meant that I literally did nothing on my time off, and in fact that's a pattern I have continued to this day. Even when I avoided going back to work (for nearly a year and a half), my time was spent in my apartment just soaking in avoidance, or what I termed "relaxation" for so long. Nothing like looking forward to a day off every day, even though I accomplished nothing. So I guess it makes perfect sense that I would keep myself from sleeping when those are the hours I need to spend knowing that I have them, even if what I really want is to "relax". Yes, in allowing myself to sleep I am welcoming the coming commitment in which I have trapped myself, or at least that's what I've told myself for a long time now. I must have told myself that so much that it became an automatic response. It feels like a countdown to doom, and it makes my time to myself pretty unenjoyable. I sure would like to get back some real enjoyment, and not the fake stuff, which is really just avoidance of my life and the potential I know I can reach.

Wow. That really is something. The babbling is so welcome and comforting, thank you.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

What it means to believe

I guess what I still struggle with is a much stronger belief in the negative thoughts than the challenges to those thoughts. For instance, I feel like I am certain I won't be able to sleep tonight, because I have kept myself from sleeping properly for nearly a week now based on me telling myself that I won't be able to sleep, or jerking myself awake when I am falling asleep. My question is, at what point does the challenge translate into a new belief? I want so desperately to be kinder to myself, but I can't seem to find the will, while I seem to have no problem assuming the worst and "checking" to see if the anxiety is still there. I am exhausted, but still I don't believe I will sleep. Am I supposed to wait until I am so sick and tired of being this way that I let go of the worry? Today has been a struggle, I won't lie. Any advice is gladly appreciated.

Katie

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

What it means to believe

Thank you, I feel really humbled at how kind you all are. I've tried to give myself that "break" the past couple of nights, and it's definitely helped me sleep more. I noticed at one point while I was trying to sleep on Friday night that the queasy feeling in my stomach was really hunger, and once I ate a little bit, I felt much more relaxed and was able to fall asleep, even if just for a few hours. It's the little victories, I suppose. I do feel more optimistic, like this will pass eventually, but it is still difficult to get rid of the nagging feeling that I am at odds with myself. I do believe everything will be okay overall, but I still get lost in invasive thought patterns. I wind up "checking" for the panic feeling (which is often why I jerk myself awake) and then I'm in the thick of it. On another positive note, I have an appointment this week with a psychologist. I'm not sure what the approach will be, I am definitely concerned/nervous about the possibility of needing meds, but I want to remain open to whatever opportunities I have to work through this.

I was dealt a little bit of a blow Friday, when I found bed bugs in my bed and sofa. I spent the weekend getting rid of both pieces of furniture, and I've spent the past couple of nights sleeping on an air mattress. I have to say, it's a little difficult to keep this from being an excuse to be anxious. I haven't had a full blown panic attack since I found them, which I am so happy about, but I do find that I am feeling sorry for myself, and that makes me steadily anxious. This isn't exactly information that brings people closer together. I'm adjusting as best as I can, I guess. Funnily enough, I'm so much more worried about getting sleep than I am about this actual problem that it makes me laugh at myself a little.

I so appreciate your positive thoughts, they are always helpful. Have a good week, everyone. I'll be doing my best to let myself be.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

What it means to believe

Honestly, what I think gives me the ability to hang in there is that I have no other choice. If this were any other situation with any other job, I would probably have quit whatever it was by now if I was feeling this way. But the internship I am working is just a part of the hard work I've already put into my degree, and I just don't want to run away from the process anymore. Plus I really love the work itself, it's the presence of anything that makes me feel trapped by commitment that I use as an excuse to obsess. Depression is much more a part of the mix, because of that. I realize how much acceptance really has to go into it, too, and how much of my resistance I have to let go of. Boy, what a daunting prospect.

To update you, I'm having a hard day. I fell asleep pretty easily last night, but then my partner struck a fever in the middle of the night and was tossing and turning so much that it basically kept me up every hour or so. I was really angry this morning, until I realized how sick she is, and then all I could do was worry that I was going to get that sick too, when I cannot really afford to be sick. I felt pretty guilty once I got home, because I can't let myself take care of her like I want to, because I am afraid. Like I said, I have optimism about the situation on the whole, but these dark days really can weigh on me. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. As badly as I don't want to be doing this, I want to work through it if it means there is something brighter on the other side. All I can do is just try again tonight.

To answer your question, Ashley, I suppose what I am really learning is that I will be okay, even if I don't feel great all the time. My general milestone has been the two-week mark in the past, where after two weeks I usually "can't take any more" and I find some excuse to quit what I am doing... of course then I feel just horrible about myself. I just don't want to do that to myself anymore. Sure, I'm sad that I'm not happy, but I at least know I'm not doomed, and feeling that way significantly reduces my panic. Not liking the way I feel is so vastly different from feeling out of control. This entire experience is a gift, even as painful as it can be. I just want to prove to myself that I am strong, since so many people seem to believe it is true.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

Challenging Worry

Juanita, that's really wonderful that you did so well. I don't have any kids of my own, but I imagine it is very difficult to keep from worrying about them. And Sunny it is so nice to hear that challenging your negative thoughts really worked for you. I have found that "worry time" isn't really the best method for me either, and it's nice to know that it doesn't have to equal failure just because something doesn't do the trick. You all are such an inspiration to me, especially when I need to know that challenging the worry really does work.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

What it means to believe

Well folks... I slept! I slept I slept I slept! And for about 8 hours before I woke up at all! I spent today feeling normal work tired instead of complete meltdown tired, and I haven't cried once all day. Even though I've felt anxious about other things today, and even about whether or not this sleep thing would last, it was good to remind myself that I can do this. I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I've got one victory under my belt--a good start. Thank you so much for your support... it really has helped! I took an herbal sleep supplement (even though I probably didn't need it) and went to bed an hour earlier than usual. I think giving myself the extra time made me feel less like I was in a countdown to doom, and more in a period of rest that I knew I desperately needed.

Davit, I am sorry to hear that you are in the hospital again. But I really am so inspired by your attitude. Your words have really helped me, and I hope that I may return the favor.

I think I'll be sticking around.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 18

Hi

Hello, I'm Katie. I've been a member on the panic center site for a little while, but I've found myself experiencing a much heavier depression since I started an internship about a month ago. I can't tell if the anxiety feeds the depression or vice versa, but I find myself weeping for hours at a time, and I have a terrible time sleeping nights before I have to be at work early. When I have days off, I just want to sleep the whole day away. I thought maybe joining this site would help me work through some of this sadness and despair. I feel trapped. But I have found these forums so helpful already, and I am hopeful that I can overcome this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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