desperate...
Hi Lisa,
I'm new here too and I can relate to what you said. It's one of the most frightening things in the world when you feel like you've lost control of yourself, and it hurts when the people you depend on emotionally are having trouble understanding what you're going through and assume that you're just being selfish. I get it. They're human too. But it still hurts.
The way I see it, it's not so much about being 'selfish' as it is kind of like having fallen down a deep hole that's opened up inside us. The center of our own personal universe has shifted to the bottom of that hole and we're walking around in tight little circles because climbing out just seems impossible. The ritual of drinking with our friends/co-workers fulfills our need to belong and the buzz we get off the alcohol is the fastest and easiest way to get relief from the pain, sadness and exhaustion of living. Why not? To us it's obvious that our immediate needs are getting met. One or two drinks is not enough because we need to keep that beautiful, effortless yet artifical sense of relief going and so we keep reaching blindly and stop counting. It's literally a no brainer. We're filling up the hole with alcohol and letting ourselves drown in it. How sad is that?
I'm not saying that I have the answers. It's fairly obvious I don't and that's why I'm here. I gave up on having any kind of social life a long time ago. I drink alone. I drink and watch movies, surf the internet or just listen to music and live in my head until the floor starts to look strangely comfortable and I curl up there and go to sleep (aka pass out). When I pull into the driveway at the end of a long day I hide bottles in my purse so that the neighbours don't see me carrying yet another bag from the liquor store into the house. I hate it, but at the same time just the idea of getting drunk feels so wonderful that I look forward to it with an anticipation greater than anything in my life. It took me a long time to see it for what it was: suicide.
I understand the fact that I need to learn to hate it, but at the same time I wonder if hate is not the answer. It was self-hatred that got me into this mess. All I've got to hang onto right now is the sessions with my therapist, this website and attitude. I try to visualize myself as being responsible for writing, directing and starring in a big budget hollywood movie in which I'm both the victim and the heroine. The climax of the story is the part where I save myself because I'm destined to. I'm the good guy. It's a given. When all hope is lost I somehow manage to find that reserve of inner strength and conquor the bad guy. Of course that's without the multi-million dollar paycheck that most stars get, but hey, you can't win them all. ;-)
We'll get there.
Ellabee
