Hi
I have been reading the posts for a few days and decided it's time to put my 2 eggs in :)
I don't like to speak about things that I may not fully understand or run the risk of influencing anyone to take or not take any particular path toward abstinence. So I can only speak from my own experience.
I've been drinking alcoholically which I define as 'uncontrolled' drinking for several years. Thinking that I could have one and than bingeing for weeks at a time. Craving the 'drunk' feeling and giving in to that despite the knowledge that it would end in disaster. Again, that is just my experience and opinion. The drinking progressively got worse and in the last year I nearly lost it all. I relapsed many times. For the last 4 years I have desperately tried to stop.
I started attending AA meetings and was a regular attendee. I was the coffee/tea lady. Some weeks when things were very tough, I went to an AA meeting every night. I enjoyed being with the people who were very kind and open. I did not find them particularly helpful in the actual steps that I needed to take to stop, ie: I could not get a sponsor. I work full time and was caring for my husband who is completely immobile at home so truthfully, it was hard to work out a time that was convenient. The ladies who I chose that I could relate to also worked full time and had family responsibilities. I own a big book, read it regularly as well as many other books that are recommended by AA.
My experience after some AA meetings was actually a desire to drink and many times I did drink straight after. I found it very upsetting to hear the 'shares' about how individuals lives were completely changed and so happy without alcohol, new job, new car, new house, new man/woman. The one thing that I wanted from life was my relationship with my husband back, and not drinking wasn't going to restore it so I felt what is the point. I was angry because despite being a Christian all of my life and praying to God every day to deliver me I couldn't stop. During some 'shares' people who never believed in God, suddenly were delivered by God, free'd from this horrible evil thing, but God wouldn't help me. I also would say to myself before buying my bottle 'well, I'm sick, I'm an alcoholic, I can't help it'. I was scared because I couldn't get to 7 meetings a week, and if I couldn't get to a meeting I couldn't be cured. If I didn't get a sponsor I was never going to be well. I tried to live by 'one day at a time' but it meant that I had to decide not to drink every morning, instead of deciding not to drink again, ever. I am not saying this is 'reasonable' or 'rational' thinking, perhaps it isn't, but it is how my brain works.
I've come to discover that God helps those who help themselves, something my mother used to tell me. I still love God and pray every day and I believe that He does help me but, I couldn't put it entirely on His doorstep or make it any other spiritual beings job to keep me away from the bottle. I had to take responsibility for my actions and I did not feel that AA helped me to do that. I am not trying to put it down at all, I believe it probably does work for many people. It just didn't for me.
I started with the thing that makes me drink, depression. I tackled that first and not wanting a drink seemed to follow.
I still suffer from depression and perhaps always will, but I recognize that it is a major factor in my wanting to drink. It's a vicious circle, I'm sad, life stinks, drinking gives me an escape, I get drunk, life still stinks when I 'come to', I'm sadder and now I'm humiliated, embarresed and ashamed because I can't control my drinking, ...and on and on it goes.
