This past weekend marked one year since I had my "aha" moment (even though it didn't quite happen as quickly as "aha").  I'd had plenty of experience attending weddings, parties, etc where I would wake up covered in blood and bruises (some intentional, some not), and little memory of how I'd come to have them.  None of them quite as traumatic as what you describe below (although some close!), but still many I had to come up with excuses for when I was at work. Last year, I took it one step further and downed a bunch of pills after being triggered with one of my worst nightmares while highly intoxicated.  And I included family members in the drama because it was at a big annual family party. I, too, feel sick when I think about it, so sick and so ashamed it hurts deep in my tummy. BUT, in the one year since then, my world has shifted. I am still so far from perfect, but that horrible, horrible day was a catalyst for change and growth in me. I think it's ideal if you can keep it in your memory while forgiving yourself and cutting yourself some slack. I'm not proud of what I did, but I also try to cut myself some slack by reminding myself that I was hurting really, really badly then and I felt so alone, and I didn't have the tools I needed to battle that hurt and that isolation. If I hadn't caused an uproar that still affects the dynamic I feel in my family today, I wouldn't have had the motivation to make changes. Things changed with them, but I grew. I really do believe that saying 'don't regret the past, too much is learned through experience'. So, my thoughts are that you embrace the person you've become, the tools you have developed, the strength you've gained since the dark times happened. I read through the forums and see how well you're doing and how positive you are. I know I wouldn't be where I am today as far as insight and mindfulness are concerned had I continued to destroy myself slowly behind doors that nobody else would ever open.  Instead, I brought it out with a vengeance for the whole world to see, haha.... and although it was a really rough and shameful road back, I am proud to have done it through my own will. In fact, exactly one year after I started seeing a therapist after going right to my GP post-dramatic gongshow (last Thursday), I was able to actually say out loud to someone "Hey, thanks for helping me change (even just a little) since that day exactly one year ago."  I think I will probably use it as a marker (and reminder) for years to come. You don't "deserve" to beat yourself up. Far from it. You deserve to remember that time so you can CONGRATULATE yourself and be proud of yourself about how far you've come since then. Those are my thoughts, anyway....they are very lonely memories in my opinion but they are also reminders of the inner strength we possess...

Let me ask you a question? If someone you love was in the same situation what would you do? Forgive them? Support them? It's important to remember that you are changing and that person you were is getting farther away. I like to look at like this: When I started I could see the person in my mind that I wanted to be but it was much like looking in a mirror. I could see them but that person, at the time, existed on the other side of the mirror and all I could do was keep my mind focused on where I wanted to be. Slowly but surely the sides reversed and now I'm looking at the person I was from the other side. I can see that person much the same way but I can't go back to where I was. It's the past and I can't change it or live there. It's just a visualization exercise I like to do, if it makes sense....

It's ok to remember but try to do it with some levity....."Definitely not one of my finer moments!"......sigh, shake head, roll eyes.....and move on.....

All the best,

Dave