Because of working the program of AA, i am able to experience some of the promises the program has to offer. Few of those are:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
For me those are the stuff we share with new-comers so we can give them hope that they can recover too. They see that we have gone through the same torture, yet we are here, absolutely free from the demon.
This morning I was having a few thoughts about things that I've done while on a binge....example 3 years ago this week, I fell by my house, onto the sidewalk face first and broke my nose, blacked both my eyes and tore up my sholder/neck/arm. I looked like I had gotten into an airplane crash! When an anniversary of something bad/hurtful I've done in my past comes up I almost relive it in a sense. I can feel the regret, it makes me sick it at myself. Is this soomething that the sands of time will every bury? Or do I want it to be buried?
I feel like I "deserve" to beat myself up so that I don't act that way again. Feeling that if I forget I am doomed to repeat it at some point and that is unacceptable to me. I am so done with the whole life in the closet of a binge drinker. With the sick hangovers and hiding, anxious planning. But when we feel strong and forget are we the most dangerous? Or do we forgive ourselves and forget it moving on with dignity? That's what would feel the best to have my dignity back....
That is my question to you all.....what are your thoughts on this?
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