Nodrama,
You're always here for our victories, setbacks and maintenance, and we're here for you too.
Firstly, be kind to yourself. Know you can do this. I stole those very words from a post you recently wrote to Elektra. Try to be just as kind to yourself as you are to all of us and heed your own advice. You know as well as all of us that the alcohol was probably lingering in your system and pulling you down like a weight, filling you with self hate. Assess the damage when you feel like yourself again. Because from where I sit, you're an amazing person who has a butt-load of fight in her and who has come a long way.
I'm not sure ND - if I was in your situation I would say that the confrontation you had with your husband a few days ago and maybe the constant demon in your head telling you (unconsciously, probably outside your awareness) that your family expects you to drink and you're going to "prove them right" is eating away at you. A constant, low level force pushing against your efforts. It reminds me of how complex a process this is, with so many different dimensions. You need to take care of yourself on so many levels to maintain sobriety but you have the added pressure of keeping the legs on your family as well. And the book thing, not crazy at all.... you probably feel safety reading books like that because on some level you connect with them. It's another source to be let in on a level other people don't necessarily understand and there is comfort in that. I've read many myself...
ND I have a family who lets me do my thing and doesn't stick their nose in my drinking and quest to improve. . In some ways it hurts a bit because I sometimes think it's because I'm not worth it and I'm on my own. But in other ways I realize it makes my quest a lot easier because I only have to include the people I want to include - pretty much you guys and my therapist who act more like a mother figure and who I see like, once every 3 months. This is an area I know nothing about, but would your family be willing to take steps to learn how to support you in a productive way? Certainly our choices to drink or not drink are on us but if other people are hindering our fight then they might have some work to do themselves if they truly want to be helpful.
I'm going to stop there because I already know this isn't an area I have any confidence. I do however feel extremely confident when I tell you that you have come a long way, Nodrama, and you have inspired many of us here. Your drive and force are inspiring to those who read your posts and I know you can get back on your feet. This is just a blip in a long line of success. How are ya feeling today?
Keeping fighting that voice in your head that says you're not worth it because you are. I only know you in this little corner of our lives but you sure have made this place a better one.
Take care of yourself!!!!!
Kez
