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How do I handle this?

7 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hi Not4me,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds like a frustrating and confusing situation. First of all, I completely agree with your concern on the drinking and driving. This has to be none negotiable. Calling the police is a good option when he is putting his life and the lives of other on the line. How have you talked to him about this. Drinking is one thing but drinking and driving has to stop now. How can you set a very clear boundary on this with him?

When it comes to him stopping drinking if you feel he is in denial then he might very well be in the pre-contemplative stage of change. This means he is likely avoiding thinking about change, This also means that the most that you can hope for at this stage is for him to start thinking about it. Asking questions like, how do you think drinking is impacting your life? How do you think it impacts our relationship? How does it impact you? Your work? How do you think it will impact your life if it continues? These questions might be helpful if he is willing to think about the answers. Pushing him to quit unfortunately does not work. Making ultimatums is a normal way of wanting to deal with this - especially when you are concerned about him but it often does not work. Pushing change often makes people become defensive - they end up blaming the person pushing change and avoids reflecting on their own behaviour. It can turn into a very unproductive and frustrating back and forth. Right now you need to focus on your own needs and wants. Take care of yourself. It sounds like you have a lot to think about. What are you willing to accept and what is no longer acceptable?

You are not in this alone. Post as often as you would like. We are here for you.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

7 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

Yes, my wife always pondered the about it, calling the cops. But again the consequences may not keep them sober. But you never know what is that is dear to them, that they would do something, so not to lose that. That realization should come within. I would suggest you leave the book Alcoholics Anonymous some where so he can learn about the disease (chapters More About alcoholism, There is a Solution, Bill Story is a great eye-opener, gave me lot of hope). Its a spiritual program of action. I just follow set of principles laid out in the book. I go by modern day terms like consciousness, awareness. The key point is willing to change. Thats all. We start looking at the world with a different perspective. Before we went back to booze for any silly reason. Now we dont we just digest the pain/happiness the way it is.

The books says Selfishness self-centeredness is the root of all problems. Today we alcoholics in recovery tend to be little selfless. Today, I go to a corrections camp and run AA meetings (on Sundays). About 7 people show up out 190 there. Thats the tragedy. Everybody could benefit from it but they wont. But, we can help only those who want to be helped.

7 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2

He refuses to go to AA as he believes it is based on a religious foundation. Today I gave him an ultimatum to leave within 60 days or show proof of attending a rehabilitation program etc. This was based on the decision that he awoke this morning after going to bed with the inability to barely walk last night and started drinking again. He now goes out to his work van and sits and drinks because he knows he won't get away with it anymore in the house or on the property. He has reached the point and has nowhere to go. However, I did make it clear that if he wanted to talk and deal with it I would be here to support him. He is still in denial. I don't think he is ready. Hopefully, he doesn't hurt himself or anyone else while driving under the influence. I may have no choice but to call the police if I am sure when he is doing this.

7 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

Any suggestions before I totally give up, throw him out and then feel guilty that something happens to him?

You may want to attend meetings of Al-anon. It was created for family and friends dealing with alcoholism and drug addiction. Dont feel guilty. If you have an option to send him to some recovery joints, do so. But you got to be firm.

Alcoholics, come up with some excuse to drink. We are perpetual liars. We lie. Its always 2 beers. But we would have consumed lot more. I did. But at the end, I ran out of lies. I reached a point, I knew I had to wake up.

I then sought help. My shrink recommended AA and I went with no expectation that was 10 years ago. That was the best decision i made. He may not be ready yet. You may get him the book and ask him to read when he is depressed after a binge. The next day morning when he is puking. Tell him there is a fellowship of AA if he wants to recover.

7 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2

I am at my wits end! About 3 years a go I reunited with an old friend whom I hadn't seen from 23 years. We met and had brief courting time for only 4 mos until we had to part our ways. Well three years later I have confirmed he is living with alcoholism. During our first year I often wondered but he had lots of excuses such as he's tired and also hadn't eaten all day. (this was the frequent excuse) However when we started living together 2 years ago my suspicions were starting to make sense. I often asked him if he had a medical problem he wasn't telling me about. He was off balance, gestures were off, speech and demeanor was different from the morning when we left for work at the same time. It just didn't make sense, so I started counting....counting the number of beers in the box when I got home from work, again before I went to bed and again in the morning. Yup, it was pretty much confirmed that I was dealing with a person I no longer knew living with alcoholism. After approaching the matter delicately he quickly defended and became upset. How dare I think that? We happen to go over to my brothers house one Friday night around 7:30 p.m. We had about 3 beers.........but he obviously had many throughout the day or between the time he got home and I got home, because having three beers he almost did several face plants on the sidewalk and roads as we walked home. As time has gone, he has tried to promise me to cut back on his drinking. This has always failed. He is starting to hide his drinking, but I find his hiding places etc. I think he feels cornered because tonight he went off the cuff with drinking...I would say about 12 beers before 5:00 p.m. this evening and then another 5 after that. He is in denial because he doesn't think its a problem. I have tried to encourage him to seek help. Our last conversation 5 nights ago was as follows Me: How are you feeling without drinking. Him: fine Me: Do you need any support from me? Him: No, your not my counsellor, I can do this on my own. Me: So whats your plan? Abstenance? Him: Yes. Me: Lets just say that if you have an urge to call me if I'm not home. Him: Okay.

He won't seek help, is in denial and I am ready to give up and cut the ties.....but worry about his wellness and the well being of others because I believe he has often been drinking and driving. Any suggestions before I totally give up, throw him out and then feel guilty that something happens to him? I love him when he isn't drinking but very much hate him when he is under the influence which is more often than not. Please help!

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