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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Hi Diva,

Your kitty is soooo cute! Love his pretty colour, so handsome!

First of all, I think you should talk to your therapist about your thoughts. It is so important to do this. Right now is when you need the most support.

Guilt certainly can be a crippling emotion. It can make you feel bad for everything. But there is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt occurs when you feel you did something wrong. Shame is when you feel inherently bad, like you cannot do anything right. Which emotion do you feel?

You also mention you feel like a failure. Where is this coming from? You are a very smart, articulate and caring woman. You have a loving husband and some great pets! People often feel like failures when they compare to others. But this can cause a lot of problems because when comparing to others we will always, always find someone who has a better this or is a better that. It is so hard to feel fulfilled when we are constantly comparing. Does this hit home at all? If so I think it would be great to start thinking about what fulfills you. If you were not comparing and if you did not feel shame or guilt then what would you want?

Keep posting. It is nice to hear from you regularly.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hello Goofy,

Thank you for your posts. Thank you for sharing with me how you are really feeling! I am sorry to hear you are having a rough go of it too! Why is bathing so hard anyway? Do we not deserve to be clean? As for the housecoat thing, I completely understand! I am wearing old ratty pyjameas as we speak, that have been wearing since my last bath...Shameful really. Hubby says we will go buy me at least one pair of pants that fit so I can at least go for walks! We are broke and cannot afford more then that...And I feel guilty about that cause it is all my fault cause I spent too much this summer and then I can't work... But it will be nice to have pants that fit, if only one. I have plenty of shirts though as I always have to buy my clothes loose fitting as I am generously proportioned in the upper-body lol. so I buy everything loose or very stretchy. Thank Heavens for small mercies!

I am sorry to hear you won't be able to keep your dog. I have been considering getting a dog to go walking with but hubby feels cats are better for me at this point as he is not sure I will actually walk the poor thing. As for days in bed I get it. I am turning into a vampire. I sleep all day, then dissapear in computer world to play silly games all night, then sleep all day. Hubby says I won't spend time with him and he is right. I just feel so wretched and irritable! I don't want to be I don't know not nice to him...I am tired and wretched and feel almost contagious...As for your get up and go getting up and leaving I hear you!

I am sorry to hear you are having trouble finding your kickstart! I have a Wii and it is hooked up and it is fun too! And yet, I can't get to doing it! Bleh!

As for taking a bath before people come over... The other day I went out dirty...I just put on deodorant. How lame!

Regular hours sound good. I admire you for working. I can't manage that as of now.

And yes, we are a community, we just live far apart :)

As for wanting this to pass now, I do too!

I am sorry to hear you got really bad financial news in the mailbox. I dread the mailbox it mostly had junk or bills in it... As for being up all night after sleeping all day as you can see I do that too!

Hang in there hun, I will hang in there too! This too shall pass!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hello Ashley!

Thank you so much for your support!

Yes my kitten is adorable. I will try to post a little pic of him before I lof off. He will melt hearts lol. As you can see I am totally impartial when it comes to my cat!

I am slowly getting the school stuff organized but I feel as if I am doing it backwards as it makes me anxious... also, it makes me feel like a failure. Once all is done, it is official, there was failure to launch

And yes I guess it will be better to return feeling good and with a fresh outlook...but I guess I am scared I won't ever manage to go back...What if I don't get better enough? I feel on a downward spiral so it is hard for me to imagine getting better! And I can see and witness my thoughts spiraling with my actions and my emotions, downward, downward,d downward...I just can't seem to find the nergy to make it stop! It is almost like when you have a wound and playing with it hurts and yet you just can't stop playing with it. Yesterday at one point I felt like commiting myself. and nobody knows this. Not my therapist with whom btw, I missed an appointment! (Like I can afford that!), not my mom, not my husband, nobody but you guys now. I keep doing my best to hide how bad I feel. The weird thing is I do get moments of happiness and lightheartedness and then it is like I fall into a dark pit!

As for the guilt...feeling makes me feel...Guilty with a capital G. Heck I feel guilty for feeling guilty at this point...Ok let's examine this...It makes me feel sad, anxious, scared, worthless, lame, useless, unproductive, horrible...That is what I can come up for now. Thank you for the great questions. How does it affect my actions? I apologize non-stop to anyone or anything for just about anything I perceive as bad on my part which is most of everything. I isolate myself when I don't feel good so I don't have to feel guilty for imposing myself. I hide...

Thank you for your questions and for your support Ashley, it means a lot to me! More then you could know.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Let's hang in there! WE can do it! I wrote all that then went to the mailbox and got some really bad financial news. Turned my world upside down- went to bed @ 7:00 p.m. after napping all day and now here I am at 2:00 a.m.

We can do this....this too shall pass....this too shall pass....this too shall. this too...this....

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Will be back to answer you both. Up to about 1 hour ago my day was

now it is

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Diva it is so great to read your post.

I don't know if it will make you feel any better or not, but the truth from the great pretender, I too haven't had a bath in days. I'm walking around the house with a housecoat. I do have clothes that fit. I am looking for a home for my dog, I just don't want the responsibility though I want the companionship (the old cost-benefit ration comes into play there). I'm not working (landscaping) because it's cold and rainy and I'm spending most days in bed that I don't work. Don't really have any negative core beliefs but my get up and go, got up and went. I'm not feeling guilty, hell, I'm not feeling anything. I'm not answering the phone. I do have plans to babysit this weekend, but don't think that will kick start me again - but I am truly hoping and praying that it does. Gonna work hard to see if it can. I haven't got my Wii hooked up yet, but scheduled to be. I haven't got my windows replaced but scheduled to be. So I am doing a few things, I guess when those people come over, I'll take a bath before hand.

I am contemplating another job that will have regular work hours. It is hard to find one that is a no brainer (mentally exhausting). Physical exhaustion feels so much better. I was looking into some type of short-term training program but with my reading, focus, concentration issue, I dont' think that's feasible right now(neigher does my therapist). lol, if it were, I'd get my PhD or certification as a licensed therapist (I lack one class). I am a hibernator so landscaping this time of year does't seem right. Oh, don't open the window if it's cold. I forget we all live different places, it feels like we are a community of sorts.

I agree, this too shall pass, but I want it to pass now, well, actually yesterday. Hang in there Diva !

I hope you have a great time having coffee with your friends. I'll google the songs and yes, I am taking my own advice that I offered you - except it turned off cold here as well (well, cold to me is in the 40's).

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11214

Nice to hear from you Diva!

You kitten sounds adorable!

I am glad you are getting your school stuff organized. I know that it is disappointing for you but how do you think you will feel when you can return to school with a fresh outlook and healthy motivation? Sometimes putting things off until we feel better is the best gift we can give ourselves.

I want to examine the feeling of guilt you say you have been feeling. How does being guilty make you feel (besides guilty of course) Can you break down the emotion for me? How does feeling this way affect your actions?

I am glad you are going to try to update us regularly! Please do!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

...Continued

And yes, you are right, little walks would help and as you said, I can always walk around the house. You are right, I will get better one little step at a time! Btw, talking about uplifting music, lol well this isn't uplifting but it is lighthearted lol. Have you every heard the song "What would we do with a drunken sailor^" by the Irish Rovers. Very peppy lol. For some odd reason it always makes me smile...Silly song really but I like it. As for opening the windows, it is cold but I guess I could wear a coat. You are right, it start with the first step. I just wish I had the energy for it O.o. But I will get there. I will, this too shall pass.

And your right about the weight, once I get the depression thing under control I can deal with the weight. But the weight is kinda depressing, especially since I have NO clothes that fit! I live in my pyjamas now...

As for journaling, well I guess I could pull off one-liners. Good idea. It is like I think that if I can't write a lot, II can't write at all. Silly really. One-liners to start it is and we will see where it leads us! Thanks for the great advice lol.

As for not feeling guilty, I can't seem to help it. At the moment it seems to be the theme of my life. There is this song in french called La confession by Lhasa De Sela. (The confession ). And it says (this will be a very lose translation as I am no translator lol), "I feel guilty because it is habit. It is the only thing that I can do with any certitude. It's reassuring to think that I am sure not to make a mistake when pertaining to the question of my own guilt." Ok makes more sense in french lol. But it's a familiar feeling to me at this point.All this to say I feel guilty towards you guys here, towards my husband, towards everyone and everything. I feel guilty for being a lame blubbering crying unproductive waste of space and time!!!!! ARGH!!!! Ok enough on that one lol.

But I guess you are right, we all take turns. At the moment I guess I need help and I should accept it. I will try not to fall off the map again. It does me no good. I will try and kep you posted if at least with a + or - or a

And thank you for he hugs. I really need hugs at the moment! Your support means the world to me, it really does,

Sorry for the ranting and raving and the novel. I guess I have a lot on mychest and I can't sleep... Bad combo!

Take care and have a nice day! this too shall pass!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hello Goofy,

Thank you for your concern and for your support!

It is a weight off my shoulders to have spoken to my school and to see they are being kind and supportive. But I have to admit that all the administrative hooha involved in getting everything in order and settled for the year is really weighing on me. I also find myself grieving for what could or "should" have been. This was supposed to be fun and fantastic experience. I susually excel at school and it makes me feel good. Instead I feel lame, like I have crashed and burned. I have trouble accepting it all without beating myself up...

As for my new Kitten, that is pure unalterated joy in my life. Even when he bugs me for food in the middle of the night or wakes me up at all hours for a cuddle lol, even when he wrecks my house and destroys my property (he is still a hyperactive kitten after all lol), he is pure joyin my life! I usually hate being woken up but who can be unhappy with a purring little kitten wanting to cuddle? I feel like he was sent to console me. My own little Kitty angel. Maybe Oscar sent him. Oscar was my cuddly cat and I miss him so. But Maximillien makes me so happy. Maybe Oscar sent him. I am really happy you got a new dog. It will be a good walking buddy! Plus, the love they give is pure joy. I am sure you will handle the responsibility just fine. It is easy to take care of a bering who gives yu unconditional love no matter what! But true, cats are more independant and all that. Luckily for me the new kitten is just so cuddly. He sleepsf for hours in my arms. I often fall asleep with him sleeping on my chest with his head resting on my cheek!

And yes, my husband is being great, even when I am having what I call my nut-job days! And yes, I am grateful for it. My mom is also great support although lately with her divorce and such she is less available. I also think I might have made two new friends. I will try and call them tomorrow and see if they wanna do something, go for a coffeee. I feel too tired to go out but I figure it will do me some good! And worse case they both study psychology so if I get tired fast and need to go home they should be relatively understanding. So I intend to give that a try.

Thanks for letting me know you understand how I feel, that you have been through it. I still have yet to bathe today. I haven't brushed my hair or teeth. I used to be so clean! I feel shameful yet too tired to do anything about it. I did not sleep all night. then I slept from 8 am to 1 pm. Then I went back to bed from 6 pm to 11:30 pm...My sleep is all messed up... I ate like Cr*p today! Well except for the rice crispies and banana breakfast, I think that is ok.

As for the interactive toy. Yesm I should dust off the old Whipper Snapper. All cats love that thing. The gymnastics they will do to catch it is simply astounding. Plus, you get to drag in on the floor as you go around the house and have them chase you. That counts as exercise right? To be continued, hubby needs the computer....

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Diva, It's good to see your post, but not happy to hear that you are struggling so very much with your depression. I have been worried about you (it just means I care, you owe me no apology)

It must be a weight off your shoulders to have discussed your school situation and know you've not slammed a door. I know it feels good to have a new pet. I also got one, though I don't know that I'm up to the responsibility of a new dog. Cats are a bit more selfserving. I know it feels good to have them cuddle and feel that unconditional love. I'm also glad to hear that your husband is a great support system. That is also good to have that in your life and definitely something to be grateful for.

I've been where you are with the bath, the sleep, the dark cloud. I know you've been there before. You have to find that one way, that one little thing, that will get you going in the right direction. What about a ball of yarn or some other interactive toy - play with the cat, it's sure to bring a smile to your face to watch the cat. A walk around the house if nothing but a straight line to and fro, or from room to room, turn on some uplifting music while you do it. You know it starts with the first step. Open the windows, let the outside in!

The thing about the weight - I know it's a struggle - as you do too, but it will come off again! Worry about that later.

I hope you find your venue. I know journaling helps you, you don't have to write a book a one word entry will get you back into it.

You need not feel guilty about not being able to give support here. We all take turns giving and getting based on the need of each of us at the time. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. We like one word entries too. A simple hi, a + or - sign, we aren't picky, just let us know, please.

Big hugs and lots of hugs when you need them.

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