Hi Diva,

 

I'm sorry to hear you were upset by your mom's response but Goofy is right, if you haven't lived it, it is hard to understand.  To your mom it probably seems simply; just don't feel guilty because it doesn't solve any problems.  But we understand that it is much more complicated then that.  You can't simply flick a switch and not feel this way.  

 

Do you think you would like to try to explain to her how you feel and how her comment made you feel?  What would you say to her to help her to understand?  Try putting yourself in her shoes.  If you did not understand depression how would you want someone to explain it to you?

 

 

 

 

Diva, as much as our loved one love us, as much as they try to understand.  (speaking personally here - as much as a counselor can be trained to counsel, as much as they try to understand:  There is NO understanding until you've lived it.

 

Information I've shown my son has been helpful, books I read were wonderful, he read with as much as enthusiasm as I did.  Convsations with my son open-minded, I was open-minded.  I can almost name every consumer whom I wish I could work with again (not feeling guilty though) so I could do things a little bit different since I have so much more insight.

 

I'm not trying to make excuses for your mom - but I'm saying unless you've walked a mile (okay a marathon) in a person with depression shoes......

 

I am sorry you did not get the response you expected from your mother.  And ouch, with out trying to offend, do you have to have that response to overcome the guilt. Isn't the guilt coming from inside you - isn't it part of one of those negative core beliefs and/or related to them.  The hardest one I have to deal with (negative core belief) is I should be able to do _____________.  fill in the blank   Well. I have a new me, one with depression and in the words of my therapist....if one starts saying "coulda, woulda, shoulda" they get "shoulda" all over them.  Everytime I say that word - that phrase pops into my head.  I should be able to _____________.  I try to rephrase, if I do __________; then I'll be healthier and be able to do _______________.

 

It's like everything else diva.  Somedays it is firmly planted and is automatic; other days, it may take a week ot go, Oh, wait I was shouldaing everywhere.  I need to go back and rethink these things.

 

I hope this helps.  Again, sorry for the dissapointing response from your mother.  Keep your chin up, keep us posted.

 

 

 

I snet an e-mail to my mom basically it said what I said here with you about my guilt and shame and how I felt. I needed her to understand. I was sure she would.  She usually does, or so I thought. Her Answer: "Wouldn't it be easier to just do what needs to be done then to feel guilty and beat yourself up about not doing it?'

 

!!???!!!!?!?!?!?! Does she think I am making a conscious choice to be lame and stupid!!!???

 

Argh, I am going to bed!

Hi Diva,

 

I was sorry to read your post today.  Please do not feel like a lazy person.  As Goofy said depression is not being lazy.  Right now your "job" is to take care of yourself.  Push yourself if you are up to it, set small goals only if you are up to it, if not that is ok.  Do not feel guilty for taking your time you are doing what you need to be doing now. 

 

I think it is amazing that you know what you want, it takes some people a whole lifetime to figure that out. I can see how caring you are, you are a beautiful person, do not feel you "have to" do anything to be "productive". Goofy is so right when she said  you are prioritizing.  Right now your number one priority is you.   Work does not even have to be on the horizon now.

 

I know everything seems overwhelming but you know deep down it will pass and we will be here for every step of the way.

 

Stay strong,

 

 

Ashley 

Diva, I know I am telling you things thta you already know.  Depression does not equal lazy.  If we had a choice - as you've indicated, you'd prefer to be doing the things you described.  However, it isn't a choice.  That does not make you lazy.

 

I do agree and didn't realize until I experienced my depression, that I must take care of me.  If I dont' have me, I don't have family, friends, husband, cat, a house to clean, etc.  You are prioritizing your tasks - can you see that?  That is a positive step.  You need to take care of you; the rest will happen. 

 

Hang in there Diva- we are here for you.  I took a bath last week.  gonna  take another one today.  I'm doing a bit better.  You know I found a girl who just needs help part-time, paid cash (I know, not right), but work when she calls and yes, it is a chore to make myself go, but enjoy the work.  does not relate to my education any way what so ever.  But it helps me feel better and I am contributing to my household of 1.   I found this job through a friend of a freind.  It's physical labor  landscaping.  It feels good to be physically tired and not mentally tired.  I don't have to pretend, I can be grouchy, work slow, work fast, etc.  I know jobs like that are not easy to find - but it is better than being mentially drained from work and the depression.  Someone told me I was wasting my education.....I don't think so, it's mine, can't anyone take it away from me.  Just an idea re: work. 

 

Again, glad you are posting and letting us know what is going on.....worry about you when you disappear.  Glad you are posting again.! 

Thanks for keeping in touch.

 

Hiya Ashley,

 

I guess I feel guilty because I haven't managed, yet, in my life, to keep fullt-ime employment for then little spurts at a time. Then I burn-out or have a Panic disorder relapse or both or whatever and I end up needing to quit, take a leave of absence or I get fired. I think the longest I have kept a job was two years and that only because my emploeyr was way tolerant of my erratic behavior. And I don't think I worked full-time the whole two years. The rest of the time I try to study in the hopes I may better my life or I do the whole "getting better" thing. Which means over all, I contribute little to my home, my family or society as a whole. I am not a productive member of society.and they truth is I am more then sick of trying to be just to fail and burn-out etc, etc, etc. I don't want to have to try anymore. I don't. But I know not working is unacceptable. How would my husand take bweing the sole bread winner his whole life? It would be so unfair to him. How would my family take it? How would they take having a letch for a family member? People would judge me so badly. But I am tired of trying of fitting into the workplace in vain and failing and worse, ruining my mental health. When I work, I work because I have to. Because it is what needs to be done, because it is what is expected of me. But I don<t feel up to it. It tired me out so much so quickly...And knowing that I fail at life makes me feel so shamefulk and guilty. But in a way I would like it if I did not have to go back to work at any time in my life. I know that makes me a horrible lazy person but that is the truth. Wow, I can't stop crying right now. I just want to sing and learn things and dance and listen to music and exercise and do what I get to stay healthy and well. My mental and physical health seems to be a full-time job for me. Add to that, that I would love to succeed at keeping a clean house for my husband and I am not sure I have energy for more. I hate that I am so screwed up and lazy and that I can't seem to make it on the job market. That is what is expected of me and I cannot fullfill that expectation. And also, it makes me vulnerable as I have to depend on peopel for well most of everything. My Dad bought me a house, my mom helps me out financially when she can and my husband supports me. I am a letch and I know it. And yet, I have not managed to change that and I am honestly discouraged and I don<t even wanna try to go back to workj anymore. I am just so tired. And that is my shame and guilt. I don't deserve what I want because I don't manage to do what I should.

 

And yes, I know what I want. And yes, I value family and friends and creativity and beauty and peace and quiet and calm, security and health. And yes, I need creativity and flexibility to function in life. And yes, I love animals and my family. I just want to be able to breathe and take care of myself and try to be happy. But I can't, I don<t deserve it because I should work and I can't. I am a worthless, jobless letch. And I don't know that that will ever change. And the truth is I don't want to try to work anymore.

 

In my ideal life I would not work. I would bathe and exercise daily. I would dress nicely for when my husband comes home. I would keep a clean house for him and cook good meals. I would not be overhwlemed by my daily household taks. I would still have time to sing and learn spanish and write a book. I would have a little band and we would play somewhere twice a month or so. I would see my friends and family often. I would have time to be a good mommy for my cats. I would have time to do my therapy homework and so I would be less sad and anxious. I would be calm and happy and serene. People would not make me feel ashamed for my life choices and I would be proud of what I manage to accomplish. I would learn