Topic: Disputes IV

Using Communication Analysis is a great way to better understand interactions and arguments after they happen so you can change what you do the next time. And there’s also another exercise that can help you think about interactions and arguments before they happen. The basic idea is that because disputes usually last for a while and because people tend to have the same argument over and over again, you can plan ahead for the interaction.

One of the most effective and basic techniques for planning ahead for interactions and arguments comes from CBASP (the Cognitive Behavioral Analysis System of Psychotherapy). The basic idea is that when you’re vulnerable it is difficult to figure out what you want and how you’re going to get it. In CBASP therapists often ask their clients, “what do you want and how are you going to get it?” This is a very difficult question for people to answer, but with practice everybody can get better at understanding what they want and figuring out how they can get it.

If you’re like a lot of people, you may be thinking, “are you asking me to be more selfish? I hate people like that who only think about themselves. I am not that kind of person. I don’t think I can do that.”

We’re not asking you to be selfish and just think of yourself. However, we’re assuming that if you’re depressed you’ll likely have a passive or passive-aggressive communication style and so you don’t usually get what you want. Not getting what you want is, well…depressing.

What we’re asking you to do, in a different way from before, is to experiment with being more assertive and to consider your needs and what you want to be important. And yes, because we’re assuming that you’ve been putting other people’s needs first for quite a long time, for a change we’re asking you to think about yourself first. This doesn’t mean that you can’t consider what the other person wants and needs. No problem. We want you to do that too. That’s what assertive communication is all about. 

In order to put yourself first ask yourself the following simple questions before an interaction:

·         What do I want to get from this interaction?

·         What does the other person want from this interaction?

·         How can I get what I want?

·         Is there any room for compromise? Is there any way we can both get what we want?

·         If there’s no room for compromise that is good for me, how can I put myself first and get what I want?

Use the communication skills you learned in the last session to experiment with putting yourself first and getting what you want.