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Hi, I'm Eric and I'm new

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 517

Hi Eric and everyone,

I was always afraid of death and I still am. But 2 years ago, I became really obsessive about death. I was thinking about it 24/7 and was crying all the time and all the things that made me happy made me cry even more because I knew how someday, it wont mean anything anymore. I often thought 'what's the point' and 'i don't want to grow old'- Peterpan syndrome? I thought I'll never get out of it. I was so depressed but suicide was too scary for me. But now my obsessions have subsided and I've learned to let go a lot compared to before. I've realize that I am dwelling on things that have not happened yet, the future, and I still do that, of course, but realized that there are things I've got to do now then worry about tomorrow because I can. I used to think what's the point of laughing? But I realized, there may or may not be a point, but because we have the ability to do it, why not? Everything matters right now.. what we can do right now, because we can. You posting something has cause so much chain reaction and energy and connection all round the world where each of us are using our heart and head to answer and react back and that right there is a lot of meaning. Sorry, got a bit carried away, haha, but yeah.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi E: I too a few years back used to dread death - and a lot of the feelings you expressed in your writing. I had to stop those negative thoughts. One thing I did, and still do once in awhile, is yell "STOP" inside my head anytime one of those negative thoughts come round. Do you remember the elastic around the wrist? When you wanted to stop something, you'd snap it really hard and it would sting. That's a form of distraction - yelling stop to yourself is sort of like that. It takes a bit of practice, but hope you try it. It works for me. You could try the elastic trick, nobody has to know why exactly.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

My brain goes so fast. Today, I read something about depression. Therefore, I started feeling depressed and concerned that my anxiety about death that never leaves my head will lead to depression, which in turn wiill lead to suicidal thoughts. How ironic is THAT? I SO don't want to die that it gives me anxiety and now I'm worried that the anxiety is going to cause depression that will cause suicidal thoughts.

I just want it to STOP so I can enjoy my life which is so good otherwise.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone (though I feel alone most of the day)

E

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Red,

you are so strong!

Cleo

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi Eric,

I also fear death. Its the ultimate unknown isnt it? But it seems the older I get the less I worry about actual death...I still fret sometimes about being alive and a burden. I have begrudgingly accepted the fact that I am going to die. Hopefully not for 30-40 years, but I have absolutely no control over where and or when its going to happen, so I don't plan on worrying too much about it. I think everyone has asked themselves "what does it matter anyhow? I'm going to die" at one time or another...its when those thoughts won't leave you, and you obsess about them that it becomes a problem.

When I quit coffee I weaned myself off of it, to avoid the headaches I heard you can get . It's been over a year now. I loved coffee, now I can't stand it, but I still love the smell of it.

It's interesting to me that you say you feel like you're aging quicker than everyone else. I have always felt older than I am, but my husband....we are the same age pretty much..he's 45. I'm 46.... He looks at people our age and calls them old! He thinks he's younger than he really is. Maybe that's the secret !lol

Cleo

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 420

Davit,

I have also had some near death experiences. I was strangled by a predator at 20 and left for dead and survived. I over dosed at 23 was revived and survived. I took care of my husband till he passed away and survived. I then began to start my life all over again, so I do have a appreciation for life and do know how precious it is. I had hepatitis C for 27 yrs under went treatment for 6 months with cancer drugs and am now cured. Most people don't make it through this treatment and for some, their only option is a liver transplant. Which they don't get in time. Yes I am a survivor and I am grateful and lucky to be a live and yes I do want to enjoy my life. It has been a long and slow road back, and I am getting older but it is turning out to be a much better life and I am learning to relax and enjoy my life with out anxiety/panic and the ptsd is causing me less of a problem now.

That is why I came to this web site and joined the program and support group. To get better and to learn how to start enjoying my life. I am getting better and I am enjoying my life more because of it. You only get one time around and I want to enjoy every minute of it. I am making progress, I am succeeding and I am starting to enjoy my life now and again. I am liking and loving the new me.

Red

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Every one.

When I was 30 years old and in my prime I lost my spleen to a horse accident. My heart stopped on the table and I was technically dead except that they had machines to keep me going. blah blah blah. Any way they pumped me full of someone else's blood and here I am today. You just never know. My advice to all of you who are worried about getting old is to look back and find a close call where you could have been dead and count your blessings from then forward. Treat every day like a bonus, like you shouldn't be here but are. Every day becomes a joy then instead of another step on the way to death because you have already been there. Eric why are you doing all this work? I would hope so that your children or children's children will have a hand because you know it is getting harder to make a living and all the necessary toys are so damn expensive.

This concern about getting old is just negative thought. Enjoy the now and let tomorrow take care of itself.

Davit. Sounding grumpy but not.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 420

Eric,

I can really sympathize with you about turning forty. I remember turning forty and I was not very happy about it. I am now 55 and I feel like I am playing beat the clock. I look in the mirror and see how old I am getting and I look at the older people people when out at a restaurant and think jeez they look old and realize I am getting up there and I am going to be like one of them very soon. I also feel like I have aged to fast. I did not have life handed to me on a silver spoon. It has been tough but I am much stronger and wiser for it. Now all I have to do is enjoy the time I have left. Thats where this program fits in. I am getting a handle on my anxiety and rarely have panic now so I am more able to enjoy the time I have left. I do need to let myself relax and accept the fact that I am getting older. This is easier said than done though. I feel worrying about it will just accelerate the aging process.

I hope you have a better day tomarrow and me too. I am playing beat the clock here.

Red

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

Thanks so much all. I am taking it as slow as I can, especially when it comes to this. I haven't read any of the success stories yet CLeo, but plan to. I have to find a way to listen to music at my desk. I love music, but they don't allow us to stream at work and I hate regular radio. Oh well, just another thing to figure out. Today is my second day without coffee, rather herbal tea instead and I'm surviving. I'll see if I can keep it up or just save it for special occassions. Yesterday, I had anxiety all day (like every day), but no panic attacks.

Today, I have had anxiety all day, but still no panic attacks. My fears seem to be stemming from turning 40 this year. I'm so scared that the rest of my life is going to fly by and thus, is almost over. I look at people older than me and think "wow, they are old and going to die soon" and how scary that must feel. I've been feeling "why doe all this work I'm doing even matter, when I'll be dead soon anyway," I look at my son and think how fast he's growing up and recently it feels that I was looking at my own dad that way, and that before I know it, I'll be old and dead.

This type of stuff leads me to worry that wow, maybe I won't even make it to 70 (which is ONLY 30 years away) - during my anxiety, 30 years seems like tomorrow. AND if I don't make it to 70, maybe I'll just have a stroke or anuerism or hemmorage and die soem horrible death at any moment, right here at my desk.

Anyway, this is just some insight into what is causing my stress. I do realize that as I age, everyone and everything around me is as well and Im surely not the only one, but in my head, its just me, everyone else is staying the same, and im aging exponentially faster than everyone else.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

Hi Eric: Working out in the backyard is great exercise and playing with your son is certainly wonderful. Sounds like those are a healthy balance. I remember going to my car doing breathing exercises too, especially when I felt panicky. The car was my safe place and private. I'm hoping you don't put too much pressure on yourself to do walking and yoga every day, plus stop caffeine all at the same time. That's three changes all at once. Maybe every other day might be a good start, or one day walking, the next yoga. And you'll want to study this CBT program and practice the relaxation exercises, etc. (great for the anxiety part) so that takes time too. I don't know what kind of physical stamina you have right now. Sometimes anxiety and stress take quite a toll on the physical body too. So, I'm thinking, easy does it.
I remember going off coffee totally for almost a year. Perhaps one morning coffee would be o.k., but that's up to you. I drink two cups a day now, and herbal and green tea, the rest of the day.

Hope this helps a bit.

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Hi, I'm Eric and I'm new