Sounds weird, right? I should be frustrated with exposure failures, not successes, but it's true. I have been doing daily exposure as outlined in session four for about two weeks now. I have made it through all of the exposure sessions I have planned without having to leave them due to panic attacks, even when I had a full blown panic attack I stayed in the situation until the panic went down again. So, why am I frustrated?
I've always been amazingly self-critical and I hold myself to higher standards than anyone else expects of me. That's part of why it has been so hard for me to learn how to be kind to myself when it comes to working on my anxiety. I just have such a hard time congratulating or rewarding myself for these small victories when I want to be making so much more progress. I try to tell myself "You did really good. You went to the movie and sat through the whole thing without having to get up to leave, even at the beginning when you're anxiety was really bad. You should be proud of yourself." but then this more critical voice comes in and says "Yay, you got through something you wanted to do for fun, what's to celebrate about that? A month ago you were working full time. You were miserable, but you were doing it. Now you're not working at all and you're still having panic attacks, so why should you celebrate this minor victory?"
How do I help the encouraging voice become stronger? I want to work through the program at my own pace but I get so frustrated that I'm even in this situation and that my steps towards recovery have to be so small.
Shari - Thanks, I will keep challenging that negative voice as you suggested!
Davit - I guess it never really occurred to me to not carry the exposure through a full blown panic attack. I'm stubborn (both a curse and a blessing, like so many other traits), and once I set out to do the exposure I made myself get through it even though my body wanted me to get out of there. I had done the same thing so often for work earlier this summer that doing it in the name of exposure seemed natural, because I definitely want to get better and I don't want to reinforce my fears by leaving a situation.
I don't know where the intense self-criticism and strive for perfection came from....it is something I am working on trying to figure out. Patience....patience....that should be my mantra today.
Sunny - I think you were mostly responding to Pounce but it plays into what I said in my original post as well. I like the idea of checking off the list of things you want to do and have done as another way to visualize your progress.
Jas - I'm glad you are finding some encouragement and support here like so many of us have. Keep posting and journaling about what you're experiencing - writing helps, and if you share your thoughts you will definitely get feedback on the forums. Hang in there.
Joe - Re-read your post here and look at how far you have come in just a short period of time! I love the positive tone and all the positive thoughts in your response to Jas. It just reinforces my belief that this program WILL help each and every one of us.
I do a lot of photography, especially nature photography, so that gets me outside a lot and also gets me exercise. It's also my one true escape from all the anxious talk in my head as I get totally involved in what I am doing. I'm also also a bird-watcher, so in addition to going for walks and looking for birds I keep up several feeders at home which is nice too. Lately I'm also been doing more baking.
I do a lot of photography, especially nature photography, so that gets me outside a lot and also gets me exercise. It's also my one true escape from all the anxious talk in my head as I get totally involved in what I am doing. I'm also also a bird-watcher, so in addition to going for walks and looking for birds I keep up several feeders at home which is nice too. Lately I've also been doing more baking.
It has been two weeks since I worked my last shift. My plan was to take some time off to try and regroup and then see if I could go back and pick up some more shifts again. It took a long time for my boss to finally understand what I was going through and when he finally "got it" he rearranged the schedule so I could take some time off. Now that things are slightly more manageable (I'm not feeling on the verge of a panic attack all day every day anymore) I'm trying to decide what to do next.
I tried checking in with my boss since I haven't heard from anyone at work for two weeks but he didn't get back to me. I know they have been scrambling and short staffed so I wanted to see if I could pick up a half shift here and there and honestly it hurts a bit to not have heard back. I know the company can survive without me but it was a big step for me to try and reach out and see if I could help and then to not hear anything back at all was disappointing.
Part of me tells myself to keep working on exposure without the added pressure of work. I have this strong core belief that I need to be working a job and earning money to be doing something useful and I have been trying to challenge that by telling myself if I take time to really face this anxiety issue head-on that is extremely useful too. Someone told me I can make money later, and that it is more worthwhile to tackle the anxiety now rather than have it come up again and again as I push myself too hard. I'm trying to get this through my head but I still feel somewhat worthless if I'm not taking any shifts at my job.
I've had a couple of better days yesterday and today so I keep feeling like I should call work and pick up a shift. I think this might just be me pushing myself too hard too fast again.
Thanks for listening to me vent as I try to sort out my thoughts....
Somehow I missed this thread when you started it a couple days ago. It sounds like you did a great job on making it through the evening as well as making in enjoyable for your mom. I've found that the times I go into a situation, have a mild panic attack, then survive it and get back to enjoying the event are some of the most helpful in leading towards recovery. That way you experience the panic as well as survive it and realize nothing too bad happened as a result. Way to stay positive despite the bumps! We can all learn from your attitude.
I just completed Session 7 and plan to do exercises to start simulating panic later this week. (I have some tougher exposure days planned coming up so I want to hold off on staring the new panic exposure until after that.)
Has anyone used the gag reflex exercise in this session? Did it help with the gagging choking feeling? This is the physical sensation I have the hardest time with (causes the highest fear rating) so I'd love to hear some success stories from others before I try it myself!
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