On the way I felt hungry so I stopped at a roadside place where they have a bar. I had no intention of drinking. I just thought I would get a sandwich. I also had the notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar for I had been going to it for years. I had eaten there many times during the months I was sober. I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a glass of milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and decided to have another glass of milk.
"Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk. I vaguely sense I was not being any too smart, but I reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach. The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and poured it into more milk. That didn't seem to bother me so I tried another."
I do understand how AA has helped certain individuals remain sober and recognize that it’s the camaraderie that helps to keep people focused. Strength in numbers after all.
The reward system in place “AA Tokens” is somewhat of a conundrum to me in that they repeat the mantra of “one day at a time” yet reward those who manage increasing anniversaries of sobriety with different colored tokens. Is this not an oxymoron?
Does this mean if you slip that you start all over again, you have to cash in your chips as it were? Are you not recognized for all the hard work that went into getting as far as you did? It’s like failing grade ten only to be sent back to grade one. I believe such a system may frustrate some and demoralize others to the point where they may totally give up.
Nonetheless, like SPMW, I like to tease out the parts which I find have merit and seek answers to those assertions which cause me pause.
“We are not sharing our shame. We are sharing Resentments, Fear and Relationship issues.”
Resentments, fear and relationship issues can and do translate into “shame.” If we are being selfish and self-centered, is that not something to be ashamed off? If it’s all about us and we rationalize that the reason we have these character defects is because of someone else, or situation or bad luck then we are acting out through our inner child. The mother that beats her kid or the husband that abuses his wife, or the person who yet again gets stinking drunk only to exclaim, “you, they, it made me do it!” is acting out through their inner child…low emotional IQ.
Yes, I agree that once we recognize where we are coming from and what motivates our thought processes, we should be able to re-frame and think through or become mindful of our thoughts and actions thereby circumventing further selfishness and self-centeredness. And yes, this is an exercise that takes practice.
“No, the queer mental twist happens BEFORE the first drink.”
I really do not believe that it makes much difference whether “the queer mental twist” happens before or after. The fact remains that drinking is a planned activity. You need to go to a venue to purchase the alcohol, you need to open the container (or have a drink served to you), you need to bring the beverage to your lips and then consume it. There is nothing odd about drinking as it’s planned. It is true that a person may convince themselves, after a run of abstinence, that they can now moderate the amount of alcohol they consume and some are indeed successful. However, others will simply revert to past behaviors usually very quickly. Such individuals recognize this “character defect” but will nonetheless continue to repeat the maladaptive behavior. They would rather endure the consequences (unmanageability) than give up alcohol forever. That is the “queer mental twist.” They have the power to change, they just don’t want to in my opinion.
